Wednesday, September 13, 2006


I can't think of a good title here. I don't really care. I'm a little grumpy. I went to see my Dr. on Saturday. He'd forgotten me that day. They don't always forget, but they see so many patients that they can't exactly be faulted if they do forget you. I knew he'd also have forgotten that he said he'd start me on Adderall. Adderall is an amphetamine used primarily to aid in the treatment of ADHD. I'm not saying I have ADHD or ADD or Bi-Polar disorder or any disorder though I've suspected I may have ADD in the past. It does run in the family so it's not uncommon and it wouldn't be at all surprising if I have it. You only have to consider a few events in my past to put the pieces of the puzzle together. At least pieces that tell you there's something wrong.

No matter though. I'm taking Adderall and I'm waiting to see what effect it has on me. If there's an improvement in my behavior and concentration then I'll stay on it and hopefully I'll be able to cope with my life a little better. Right now I have a headache. I only just started it yesterday and I've had diarrhea thrice... I guess that may be how you lose weight on it. (I'm laughing on the inside.) You know, what's funny is that it's not exactly diearhea either. I feel it coming, I go and SLAM it all comes out and I"m done. I'm even shitting rocket fast. Crazy. I'm supposed to take this crap first thing in the morning, but I'm afraid that I'll start acting like a nut at work. I'm not even sure if I should be writing... For all I know I'm typing ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES MAHA A DULL GIRL. Over and over and over again... What???

Yesterday I was running my mouth like a million miles a minute at work. I was standing around yapping with a broker or a co-worker or my sister. I got all my work done early and I had nothing to do. Rather than sit on the computer on the Internet I just yapped and yapped. By the time I was ready to go home I was ready to clean, cook and study. Soon as I got home it all went away. Much like a mirage. We ate out, watched BloodRayne, had sex and watched House. None of the things I intended on doing. What did I expect a miracle? You can't erase lazy I tell ya'.

Right now I'm feeling a little tense. Actually I'm feeling a lot tense and a lot like a crack head. I realize that I get myself into a certain position and I hold it for so long that my body tenses like a rock which is making my head hurt worse each time I realize it. My jaw is also hurting a little because I suppose I'm tensing that as well. I'm going to give this a week or two and if I still feel crackhead like I'm going back on Prozac or something else. I just want to feel normal and be able to control my anger. If that means having to be a little unsuccessful in life so be it. At least I'm not killing anyone... namely myself. By the way, I don't actually know what it feels like to be a crackhead. I've never even seen crack. In fact I've never even seen coke... Why is that in my brain?

The other day I spoke to my neighbor. Rigid found it necessary to tell him I was on medication. I don't know why my husband does things like this. I guess he thinks I'm so open and honest to everyone in the whole wide world that I don't mind when he says personal things about me to others. Well, maybe one day he'll learn what choice actually means, but that day was just not the case. My neighbor wanted to know what was wrong and If I was okay. I simply explained to him what my Dr. told me and gave him the quickest answer I could think of. Rather than explain to him that I'm being violent with Rigid, that he makes me lose my temper so badly that I can't control myself, that it's not his fault that I can't control myself I simply told him I may have ADD. Why is it that when someone has one tiny snippet of information they actually think they know what they're talking about?

He kind of rolled his head back and said, "You know... that stuff. I don't know I mean that losing concentration when talking. I mean that happens to everyone. You know? I mean if that's the case I have ADD you know?" To which I reply, "Yeah... that's kind of like saying Autism isn't real. It's just kids acting out." and I laughed. I couldn't help it. I may not have ADD, but I CAN'T STAND IT when people say things like that. ADD is a very real disorder and it's NOT something that goes away... EVER. Blinking out during conversation is only ONE of the indications that you may have ADD and it's not a matter of trying a little harder or not being lazy. You have absolutely no control over it and sometimes no matter how hard you try to concentrate you just can't do it. Normal people that blink out during a conversation have control and can even keep track while they blink out.

Some of the symptoms that begin in early childhood include hyperactivity, forgetfulness, poor impulse control, and destructibility. Poor impulse control is something I can relate to very well. Both my sister and I had TERRIBLE impulse control. Having to wait for something was excruciating. Forget about taking my sister to the grocery store. My poor mother could not for the life of her teach us how to wait or be patient. As I grew up my impulse control improved and my sisters did not. It's been an issue all our lives and we're positive will be an issue the rest of our lives. Both she and I treated for this as children, something I had no recollection of until she mentioned it to me last night. Apparently my mother took us off the medication and any psychiatric or psychological help because when she consulted my father he informed her that she should never have put us on medication and that we've no need for it being that we're only just children.

Keep in mind that my father was in jail for murder. They didn't get him that time for drug trafficking or running illegal aliens across the border. No, not that time. So my soon to be a permanent alcoholic mother already struggling with alcohol made the decision to take us off our medication and away from one of the only people on the planet who could probably help us. Yes, instead she wallowed in her own self pity and played the martyr that she's so damn good at playing. 'Woh-es-me, I tried to be a good mother, wife, daughter and look at what happened to me. Waah waah waah. I shall now drown my self in alcohol so I can ignore all the damage I've 'cause to everyone around me. It's not like I'll traumatize my kids 'cause they're too dumb to know I have a problem.' Tangent anyone?

SO, yes. I'm on Adderall and so far I'm not feeling so hot. I'm afraid to take an ibuprofen for my headache for fear that I'll freak out or something. I know I'm being overly cautious but you can never know.

1 comment:

Batmanisgrim said...

Considering all that you have been through, being overly cautious is the right move. Oh and this is Batman Gotham from GTP. I was wondering where you went.