Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Introspection


Snorkeling with kate
Originally uploaded by Maharet Raider
"there are only a couple of mistakes that i could say i regret to this day with every fiber of my being. but they’re mistakes i would never repeat. i know that. and although i’ll think back them once in a while the thing i’ll regret the most for the rest of my life is the amount of time i spent blaming myself for them….if that makes sense." Quoting Self from tKD

Friday, March 1, 2013

Ocean Waters Take Me Away


ocean shores
Originally uploaded by baby_shark
i remember being thrown as well, but i can’t exactly remember if it was my dad or uncle or cousins. might have been my dad, but if that was the case i was 5.

we were at the ocean always. my first memory of the sea was of me and my mom. i was dressed in a one piece short halter. strawberry red. white open toe sandals and a cute little white hat with a red ribbon. my hair was long. my mom bought the hat and the sandals that day. i know i was in a bathing suit because i was sitting down right at the shore where the water just touches your toes. i remember my mom telling me to hold her hand super tight and not let go. to get ready when the water comes and not let it move me. not let it drag me in. dig your heels in. be strong. be brave. don’t let go. don’t ever let go.

i watched anticipating the scariness of the incoming wave as it crested, fell and churned towards me. the cold ocean water bubbled over and kissed my toes. my mom looked at me approvingly. the next wave came up a little higher and mom gripped my hand. i floated a little, but i held on tight. we did this enjoying every second of it. each time the water got higher my heart pitter pattered a little more, but i was brave and never moved even as it reached my chest and tried to drag me away. we laughed and tossed around a few times, but we were a rock together. strong.

suddenly a giant wave came crashing down on the shore. we thought it would be the same as the others, but i don’t think mom realized we had been both getting pulled in closer to the shore. maybe the tide was getting higher. i don’t know. i was so little. the wave came up to my mothers chest and tore me from her fierce grip. i was tossed end over end churning and dragging away from shore like the retreating wave. away from my mother. i heard her screaming. it sounded so far away…so so far away. i was lost. confused and gulping water. churning sand all around me.

the next thing i know i’m being pulled out of the water by the hair. that was all my mother could grip. my long dark brown hair. i didn’t know whether to cry from the fear of what i think was nearly drowning or the pain of nearly having my hair torn off my skull, but cry i did. my mom screamed asking me why i let go. i should never let go! i didn’t. i didn’t let go.

we didn’t get back into the water that day. i think we both realized we’d had enough. in the days to come i thought about what i did wrong and what i could have done instead. the next time i faced the water though i was ready. i didn’t back down. i dug in my heels and even when the water came up to my neck i didn’t let go. i never let the ocean take me again. i faced it. stared it down and dared it to try that again. it always backed down. and i never ever lost.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

New Things Make Me Happy

OMFG i'm seriously doing a serious happy dance. we fucked ourselves and got a computer from rent-a-center. i know this is going to screw us financially, but we did it. we seriously needed to get a computer and here we are.

this has been the most fucked up year i've ever experienced and yet i've not really blogged about it at all. i actually find that really surprising. it actually might do me some good, but i can't seem to bring myself to care.

watching solomon kane right now and i'll probably update a few websites in the mean time. relaxing for a few hrs and drinking tea.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


so this piece of shit laptop, internet connection or chrome browser is not letting me view my blog posts on two of my blogs. this is such a pain in the ass. i just want to go to sleep and before i do i wanted to update my blogger. how in the fuck is this going to make it any easier for me to post the shit i want to post on a regular fucking basis? it's like fucking impossible to use a blogger service now. with all these fucking updates and all these changes it's no wonder i don't bother using shit anymore.

it was so much easier to do stuff before. so much fucking easier. i fucking hate this modern world i'm living in. it's imfuckingpossible to do any fucking god damned productive piece of shit thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

When Happy Feels Like An Old Memory

well, it's not like i'm ever going to publish anything so why do i bother with cap's and commas and periods and grammar at all. fuck it. i'm sitting here watching bones and wondering why i don't bother blogging anymore. i've lost all my passion, but i miss my blogs so much so i have to update them here and there with a little something. besides i really want to get started with my craft blog.

since i've lost the writing bug i have no desire to really update much of anything anymore. sucks. maybe i need rigid to piss me off. he used to piss me off so much. what an insensitive bastard. that's what i need to do. i need to dig deep and revisit that hate...that deep deep hate. *sigh* i don't feel it.

instead of hate i feel sad. he's not here. and i hate to admit it...i mean, talk about serious hate, hate, hate to admit that i miss him. UGH. it pisses me off that he joined the national guard. it just PISSES me the fuck off. he didn't listen to me. he never fucking listens to me. i told him it would be even harder for him to get a job. i told him no one would hire him, but he didn't listen to me. now we've been suffering for the last two years because of it. so he goes away as long as he possibly can with the guard so he can manage to make more than a measly $200 on his getaway weekend warrior weekends. they're like mini vacations. idiot. IDIOT.

then he's asking me to borrow money from my mother. MY MOTHER who is sick and stage 4 and sick. we haven't even gotten started yet (with the fight i mean) and we're doing do well, but money is so tight. now i feel guilty that i didn't put any money into his account. but i mean seriously. he asks me to borrow $40 from my mother and he'll pay her back on tuesday. really??? we've already borrowed so much just for gas and food and he's asking for more because he doesn't have a job and hasn't ever supported us? we have to pay all that money back and he wants to borrow more? get this, because he needs laundry detergent. he's so full of shit. he can't even come up with a good excuse.

he just doesn't want to eat the mre's for lunch anymore. they're making him sick. at least that's what he's making it seem like. well, his body better get  used to it because i'm not going to borrow more money from my mom. at this rated whatever he makes is going to end  up back in her pocket and the rest will probably end up with the state. apparently they overpaid him during his knee injury. such a fucking mess. 

well, all i have done is complain today so on to happy thoughts. actually, i didn't write about losing my morrigan did i? i can't remember. well she passed away earlier this year. i had to put her to sleep. it was her time and i only wanted her to have happy kitty thoughts so to prevent any further suffering i did what i had to do. it was painful, but a lot easier than i thought. easier and harder in some ways. i'm just glad i had a little time with her before i put her down. her ashes are now resting next to her kitten grendel. may they both rest in peace knowing that they brought the most amazing joy into our lives. 

i am now currently living with salem, artemis, seren and bunny lenore. arti and lenore and little friends. they were a little too close for a while there. humping each other all day long. it was a mess. it was so bad that i had to take lenore to the vet to see if she was actually a female. she was. suffice it to say everyone in the house is now snipped and calm. i'm also not having any issues with the cats either. so far the worst thing that has happened has been stepping in an enormous hairball at 4:30 in the morning. that is just never fun at anytime, but even less fun barefoot.

still, despite all the horrible things i've been through this year so far i'm happy. i didn't know i was capable of sitting in a hospital room day after day caring for someone or even just keeping them company never having to utter so much as a word. i've never spent the night at a hospital. i've never eaten so much hospital food. i never imagined my life changing so dramatically overnight and welcoming every second of it as long as i can have one more day, week or month with a loved one. not like this time at least because i did go through this before with my exhusband. that was no fun either, but i was young and inexperienced and really  really scared. i also didn't remember how to knit back then.

my knitting and crocheting have been a lifesaver. i mostly just knitted the entire time i was at the hospital. i can't even recall how many scarves i made, but by the time i was done i was good. damn good. so, i'm trying my hand at a skirt next. i made several scarves, one circle wrap and i'm not working on a wrap skirt. it's going to be great. i look forward to creating something everyday and doing this really helped keep that elephant off my chest. sometimes i can't get the fluttering to stop and it makes me feel so low and so tired, but then i'll pick up my knitting and just go go go. before you know it i forget all about the pain in my chest and then it's gone. 

there's so much more to say. i'm not going to make any promises, but i'm going to do my best to write a little something. i remember when it used to make me so happy. 

happy seems so far away, but i thought i said i was happy. if i'm not then what is this? what is it exactly that i feel if not entirely happy? content? satisfied? no, i don't feel any of that. i think i feel like i should be happy. like, the fact that i'm living and breathing and can't still count all my fingers and toes should make me happy, but i don't know. sometimes happy feels like a memory...an old old memory.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

My god. I'm so tired my eyes are closing on their own. i'm stuggling to keep my eyes open at the moment. My body is hurting so badly because I want to sleep that bad.

i honerstly dont think i can type without my husnband's help anymore so i'm just sleeping. i'm seein g creeookend anyay.

God the Modem and wilsewss copmuter set up. hahhaha, that's hwhat they get for hnot gigjubg  another person....

Monday, November 7, 2011

Make Way Hole #9! A Flickr Update Is A Loomin'.

So last night I made a lot of fun updates to my blog. I have more plans for it…them…they…whatever. I have too many and many more that I want to add. Okay, maybe just one or two more. I’ve been having a ton of fun adding my crafted items to facebook, but I’m getting harassed daily for this or that and it’s getting on my nerves.

There was supposed to be a point to this post. Right. My last flickr upload. I think it was sometime last year. I’ve been meaning to upload pics but never seem to find the time. Or make the time…or I make the time, but the upload tool is inadequate and simply can’t handle the amount of pics I want to upload. This being the case there are a ton of pics on my desktop that haven’t been uploaded and a shit ton more on my laptop. I’ve been lax in organizing my pics as well and I haven’t created any backups of anything at all. I’m wondering what it’s going to take to get me to wise up a bit. It wasn’t that long ago that I lost a computer and all the information in it. I lost honeymoon pics, wedding pics…I lost so much. It was so sad. BUT, and I’ve repeated this a few times on other sites, Slide.com is cancelling service around Jan of next year!

How do I know this? I was feeling nostalgic and decided to check out my wedding pictures. These were my private collection of pictures taken on our own on our very special day. Pictures I had downloaded to Slide just for the fuck of it that were lost forever. The tiny size of the pics on slide wouldn’t allow me to download and print them. They would have been too grainy. Well, I don’t know how, but I’m finally able to see the uncompressed version of the picture and I downloaded all my honeymoon pics. Granted I have to click on each individual picture and on a laptop it’s not that simple, but I managed to get a good rhythm going and now it’s done. I just need to get those wedding pics off Slide and I’ll be set. I might check to see if any of the other sets are available on flickr, but if not…I dunno.

Once all those pics are downloaded I’ll begin my massive flickr upload and file back up. It’s long overdue and I’m actually looking forward to getting reorganized. Christmas is looming around the corner and I’m thinking a new laptop for Rigid and a new digital camera for meh. It’ll be good to see something other than this silly golf picture on my flickr stream.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

testing

this is a test. now i’m in trouble too. LOL ah well. such is life.

 

fuck you world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Busy Bee's & Poopin' Bunnehs



Well I have been a busy little bee this weekend. I barely let Rigid touch my laptop. Our asses have been sitting on this couch creating more and more craters. I think we're so embedded in it that this time I'm not sure we'll be able to get back up. SHIT the bed isn't made and there's a ton of laundry on top of it. FUCK.

That's not an attractive picture of me, but I took it on our honeymoon and our anniversary is coming up so I suppose I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. I'm running out of time because I really have to get to bed. I hate being so tired at work that I can't think straight and since I stopped seeing my drug pusher staying up late just isn't what it's cracked up to be. 

I've been having a shit ton of trouble with my bunny Lenore. She's so cute and cuddly, but has been a terror in all our lives. My cats included. She rapes the fuck out of Artemis, pisses Morrigan off, gets clawed by Salem & Seren, claws up the carpet and pisses on my fucking COUCH! AND RIGID. AND ME! I've been doing the best I can with this little Easter Bunny, but I'm at my wits end and will most likely take the little bugger to the pound. What else can I do? Take her to Wilderness Park like my Mom used to? I bet she still dumps animals there. Stupid dumb bitch.

I have to get rid of some of my cats too. They're driving me crazy. It's my fault. I accept it, but I think I've also accepted defeat. The last one that needs to get fixed is Artemis. We're taking her and the buns to get fixed. I hope Lenore doesn't die because I've read some really sad stories about female rabbits dying after surgery.

I recently put two cats up for adoption on Craigslist. I have no hope of actually adopting them out and although my intent is to take them to the pound I don't know if I'll actually have it in me. 

I've had so many things going on all around me and I've not given myself the outlet I need to get them out. You would think I would now that I have a laptop, but I don't. It's silly really, but I mostly blogged at work or on my desktop at home. Getting the hang of this flat keyboard thing though. It's still a pain in the ass.

Super happy with all my blogs today as well. Since I didn't crochet at all this weekend I decided to clean up some sites and today I finally got around to sprucing up my blogs. I love it. I freaked a little when I thought I lost my css add ons, but I didn't and it looks great with the new blogger template. Need a few more tweeks, but I'm going to love the background changes. There are a few things they could have done better, but I'll explore that more. Probably jump on my Misreviewed blog just because.

Well, that's it for tonight. It's late and I can hear cats meowing outside my door. Morrigan will scratch half the night away as well so I'm not getting much sleep tonight. I'm so happy. I'm really looking forward to making better use of my blogs. Thanks Will...still a bloggers inspiration after all these years.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Mouse, The UFC & The Rigid

Today was the last straw for some reason. I decided I needed a wireless laptop mouse and I needed it now. Actually, it was Rigid who decided to talk me into it. I'm sick of not having a mouse. I can't make good use of this laptop without it. I've also realized that I'm not using my laptop at all because I don't have a mouse. 

I don't go into the bedroom to use my computer either. Forget about the fact that you just can't even walk in there because of the mess and all the bunny equipment, but the entire computer is actually on the floor. I decided a long time ago that I needed my hallway desk back where it belongs and I know that one day I'll get a nice little desk again. Of course that day has yet to arrive. Strange, but I really don't care. I don't use it. It's only storing my pictures at the moment. I really need to back them up by the way. No matter. I'll get to it eventually.

So, Rigid decided he'd take me to the store to get a mouse. I chose a cheep $14 mouse at first and some speakers since I'm sick of straining to hear anything on my laptop. Then I ran into this mouse. It can be used on any surface and I was already imagining myself struggling to get a $14 mouse to work on my leg, the couch or the coffee table and laptop lap...top thingie. The display showed all types of neat slippery and non slippery (carpet) surfaces so I figured I'd splurge at more than double the price. Hey, $40 bucks for a mouse is a lot. I'd rather spend $20, but I remember a time when a mouse like this would have cost $60 so not bad at all. I'm not big on design. I just like something that works, but this little bugger is all artsy fartsy. Whatever. I normally would have bought a simple black controller. Hell, I actually considered a pink design. YUK! I had to swallow back my vomit. I'm okay...just a momentary lapse in character and standards. Not to worry all is well. I think I may be PMSing which brings me to my next purchase.

Actually it was Rigid's purchase. I purposely looked for the Kinect to see if there were any interesting games on it and there it was. The UFC Trainer for all to demo. I immediately jumped on and got a little crowd around me. I started kicking and punching, but I was so embarrassed I was only going halfway up. Or at least I was pretending too. My fat ass can't lift my leg all the way up. Not because I'm fat, but because I'm injured. I never should have jumped out of that car to save my Seren from the perils of the life of a freeway cat or...nonlife cause well, cat's can't usually live on the freeway. It's a long story and I'm sure I blogged about it at some point so it doesn't matter anymore. Let's leave my temporary insanity in the past shall we? SO upon watching me on the UFC Trainer my husband ran off to find the game for me. He came back and said, "If I buy it for you will you actually use it?" My eyeballs lit up as if the words on the game cover said KFC instead of UFC. "YES I'LL USE IT!", I didn't actually scream. I only capitalize to emphasize my enthusiasm. 

In the end after a little quibbling over The Michael Jackson Experience and something about not contributing to a pedophiles estate we did get the UFC Trainer. Believe it or not I'm more excited about the mouse. It's fucking wireless!!! Also, I only just treated my hair with Organix Brazilian Keratin Treatment and I don't fancy having to wash my hair again. My hair is beautiful and silky smooov I LOVE IT. Besides it's too late to do Jack3d and I want to work out in UBERHYPERSTEALTHMODE!

Now that's what I'm talking about (insert grunty groin noises here 3x)!!!!!

557th Blog Post On Misventures

JEEZUS I'M FUCKING HUNGRY!

Well, it's been a really long time since my last post on the Misventures. I'm not sure why, but I've lost the will to blog slowly but surely. More surely than slowly, but who cares...semantics. Peh!

I saved a bunny! That's right I saved a bunny from a horrible fate had I left it with my mother. Okay, granted this was over a month ago, but whatever. I feel like writing about it now for some reason. Maybe it's just because I'm hungry. I don't know. I think it's the curry my husband is preparing. I tell him I hate his cooking and for the most part it sucks ass, but I love his curry like I loved him in those Tommy Hilfiger's so many moons ago. Mmmmm. Tommy Hilfiger...mmm....moons...mmmmmmm.

OH sorry. Wow, but those were amazing jeans. Never found any other to compare for that matter. He ripped those suckers apart in no time. But none of that has anything to do with the bunny does it? We've been through hell and back this bunny and I. I didn't want another pet and if I had any sense I wouldn't have taken it in, but Rigid saw how sad I was at the prospect of rehoming the bunny or having to resort to a shelter for that matter. I was in deep sorrow at the prospect so he offered to care for her. Said he had experience with bunnies.

Yup. He said he could deal with her himself. Could he indeed? No. All lies designed to make me feel better. All lies to make me stop crying. He just can't deal with it if I cry I notice. I cry and I get what I want immediately. But I didn't want a bunny. No sir. I promise you I didn't want a bunny. I knew how hard a bunny could be. I'm still not sure if we'll make it through the summer unscathed.

I considered getting rid of her. The first few days weren't so bad, but not long after introducing her into the house Rigid had training with the National Guard. He would be gone a whole 3 weeks. Lenore, we named her Lenore after Roman Dirge's character, and I were to spend the next 3 weeks all alone with 4 cats. It was a nightmare to be sure, but we made it through she and I. By the last week we had a nice routine going. It didn't come easy. In fact the Bunny FooFoo made me cry on several occasions and I her probably.

She grown into a massive bunny in the last few weeks. We've learned so much about bunnies. I've devoured as many bunny info sites as I could. I made a bunny condo for her out of cardboard boxes. I have chicken wire fencing in my living room to stop her from getting into the cat litter and have blocked the other entrance to keep her from the cat food. She LOVES cat food, but she also LOVES the corn based litter so EW EW EW EW EW...bad for BunnieFoofoos. I give her the best feed, hay and bedding I can afford. Bought her cage and cage extension, the latter of which I had to break down to buy when my ad hoc fencing was brought down by Lenore so much that I could barely sit down for 5 min's at a time. (I hate laptops. Never have gotten used to them. Stupid giant buttons. I have LITTLE HANDS!!!) It's been one of the hardest things I've done in a really long time. Dealing with her chewing, digging and pushy ass bunny attitude has been really fucking trying at times. But her super cute cuddely and charming personality wins me over each and every single day.

This is one expensive ass animal and we haven't even begun to deal with the Vet bills when those start to come in. I'm trying to ignore it for now, but I won't be able to much longer. She's a little teeny bopper bun so it's time to get her fixed very soon. That will not be fun at all.

OMG food is here. I have to eat or I'll die!








Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Untossed Christmas Tree Extravaganza

Getting a Christmas tree in my house safe and sound is not an easy household task. Sure it’s just Rigid, myself and 4 cats, but for some reason the likes of which I still do not understand to this day Rigid doesn’t like trees. In fact I could quite easily say he abhors them. I wrote about this years back. I might actually write about this every year because every single year getting a Christmas tree is an issue. One year I actually went without just to avoid the hassle, but of course I’ve never been one to shy away from conflict so I don’t have that problem anymore.

We’ve recently celebrated our 5th Anniversary. Now I’m starting to wonder how many Christmas’s we’ve actually had together. Ah, memory lane. Let’s see, 2004 our first Christmas was spent apart and we were only planning our wedding. We were married Nov 2005 and celebrated our very first Christmas as a happily married couple. I remember it like it was yesterday, I do…I just read the blog (I jest). In an effort to keep it short I’ll just tell you what he did wrong. He threw my Christmas tree into the corner of the living room because he didn’t want to take it off the roof of the car the same day we brought the tree home. Um…yeah.

In 2006 I just didn’t want to go through anything like that ever again and didn’t bother to get a tree which is just not like me AT ALL. I don’t think I’d ever in my life been without a tree on Christmas. I didn’t like it not one little bit. 2007 rolled around and I was at a quandary. Do I go yet another year without a tree or do I shove my fist up my husbands asshole and make him my puppet. My husband loves me to no end and this gives me all the leverage I need so I got my tree though it hurt a little. I waited until the last minute to get my tree and I don’t think I really decorated it much. By the time Christmas rolled around it looked awful. I can’t remember, but I’m sure he made me cry just buying it. Still, I was in bitch mode.

By the time 2008 rolled around I was ready for my tree, but it’s always the same thing with him. “Why don’t we get a fake tree. I always had a fake tree.” Or my favorite, “You’re not the one that has to pick up all he needles.” As if he actually picks up the needles by hand. I get it having a real tree in your house for a month can be hard work for like a day, but why is it so hard to simply enjoy the process and enjoy the beautiful warm glow in your living room? I can’t get into Christmas until I have my tree, I just can’t! That year I was unhappy with the crappy decorations I had on my tree so I went all out and bought new ones. My tree was beautiful, but I only got to enjoy it for about a week before Christmas. Last year it was about 2 weeks before Christmas, but for the first time getting a tree wasn’t as big a struggle as it was in the past. For the first time I brought a tree home without having first cried either before or after.

This year…we almost didn’t make it. I almost cried because he was starting up again. I complained that we get our tree at the same store every year. He didn’t feel like taking trees out to display (at this point he’d taken 3 out) to me so he dragged me to a Christmas tree lot where all the trees are beautiful and perfectly trimmed or flocked. I told him I wasn’t going to pay $100 for a tree and he looked at me like I was insane. Why would the tree cost $100? How ridiculous am I? I could feel the burning tears ready to come out, but I held back my emotions and just placated him by going along with it. After looking at all the beautiful trees I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford I finally asked him to check the price on the one little tree that was perfect for me. $99.99…. um that’s a far cry from $40 for a Noble Fir of the same height and width isn’t it? I looked at a Douglas Fir…$79. I could find a Douglas Fir for $19. FUCK YOU. I left.

We went back to my store and he took out all the trees I wanted him to. I found the PERFECT tree, but I didn’t bring it home because it was missing the whole top bit and I like to have a tree topper so I settled. I know Rigid doesn’t understand why I’m so crazed about my Christmas tree and I know that to anyone else it wouldn’t seem crazed at all. Rigid is a lazy person, so am I, but doing something that doesn’t interest him in the least is like asking Jabba The Hut to walk to the corner on his own two feet. It’s pretty much impossible…he doesn’t have any feet. What only should have taken 30 min’s took nearly 2 hrs because he was too busy either bitching or dragging his ass.

Suffice it to say we got our tree home in one piece and no one cried…this time...and it wasn't tossed into the corner.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Separation Anxiety Much?

Well I did it again didn’t I? I stayed away from everything and everyone and blocked out all my feelings. Strange how I can go through all those awful things with my husband and share all those bad events with people, but take him out of my life and I just shut down. He left me to serve his country and get his Basic Training done with. I was without a husband for 4 ½ months. Very little contact, but I have to say it was an exceptional experience. I mean…freakin exceptional.

I hunkered down emotionally the first week and busied myself with plans to walk/run in a half marathon by the time he got back. That weekend I moved all the furniture in the house by myself. I didn’t know it then, but I injured my hip. The next week I began my walk/run training. The very first day I felt a twinge in my hip. I ignored it and thought I just needed to stretch better and get new running shoes. How old were my shoes? I couldn’t even remember the last time I wore running shoes or when I bought them. Who cares I was prepared with all sorts of beginner jogging basics! Stretch, warm up, start slow, don’t push too hard, take it easy and practice, practice, practice. The second time I went out I walk/jogged…I was laid out that night. My hip was searing in pain. I couldn’t even lay on my side. Again, I ignored it and kept going thinking I just need to work those muscles again and I’ll be fine.

The next week sadder than ever and missing my husband so much I began to search the Ft Benning website for info. I searched for anything I could find. I tried to find what stage he was in though he had just started. I tried to find pictures on Flickr though I knew I wouldn’t find any. I even clicked the Facebook link on Ft Benning’s site. I was shocked to find his company and a girl (the First Sergeants wife) who was about to start a group for our boys (or rather the wifes and mom’s…mostly mom’s). I made friends, and even found a picture of my husband. Granted, it was of him running away so I couldn’t actually tell if it was him, but I zoomed into it and confirmed certain shadows…he has…very defining characteristics.

I don’t know how, but by the end of the month I was up to 4 miles and I was in so much pain. Still, I felt encouraged by the occasional picture on facebook and I eventually started receiving letters. I even had a few calls in the beginning. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world and by the second month I was still trying to walk/jog, but landed in physical therapy mid month. Why was I doing this to myself? I’ve never even run a 5k…HELL I’ve never even run more than 2 miles in my life! WTF was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. All I could think about was when the next call, letter or picture would come.

It never occurred to me that I couldn’t handle being alone. It never occurred to me that I could either. I felt like a walking zombie. Eventually, I gave up on the walk/jog and then the walk altogether. I wasn’t getting any better and the nice running shoes I bought didn’t help a bit. Neither did the second pair. I simply busied myself with getting better the last half of our time apart. Phyisical therapy twice a week, sometimes with 2 or 3 separate procedures in the same day. I planned my first trip to Georgia for Family Pass where I would be spending nearly 3 whole days with my husband. The new Facebook family I had found wanted a way to meet for the Graduation so I created Graduation Wands with printed ribbon. I even made a little money from that, not that I’ve actually touched any of it.

I threw my back out cleaning the closet out for him so he’d have a place to put all his gear when he got home. I read that boys come back with mountains of gear that can take up a full closet in no time so I wanted to prepare for that. I murdered myself doing so many stupid things and I did everything on my own constantly. I never should have moved that furniture, I never should have cleaned out the closet on my own. So many stupid mistakes have lead to me taking months to heal. MONTHS. But the day I left for Graduation I finally asked for help. I couldn’t get up, but there was still much to do and my Mom saved my life. I made it to Georgia that second time in searing pain, but when his mother who flew in from England surprised the living shit out of me at the Airport it all went away.

Well for a little while at least. I mean, like the littlest while you can imagine because we got lost on the way up and were going to completely miss his Turning Blue ceremony…Fucking Disaster!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Will You Play What I Play?


alan wake
Originally uploaded by Maharet Raider
So I'm looking forward to my husband coming home. Once he settles in I know he'll spend some time catching up with all his gamer buddies and I'll just have to be patient. I'll eventually get the other boxes fixed and we'll get our old set up going again. I get the living room, he gets the bedroom. We have big screens in both rooms so it's not like he's getting the rough end of the stick. Plus the couch is broken. I'm the one on the rough end here.

One of the biggest things I'm looking forward to is together game time. I love to snuggle up to my husband and watch him play. I've always been that way, but not quite like I am with him. Normally I'd be the one playing and someone would be watching the storyline unfold or helping me unfold it. Single player games with a great story line are so much fun to share. But I get a special extra something with my husband that I didn't get before. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but it's definitely something I can't deny. When I watch my husband play I swoon.

I love to play scary games, but when they're too scary (I can't believe I'm admitting this either.) I let Rigid take over and I quite literally hang off his arm. With every step he takes into the game, every turn he makes into the scary unknown I inch closer and closer and closer until I'm practically crawling over him.

That's what it was like with Dead Space. I couldn't get enough of it, but I couldn't play it myself even after he walked me through most of the game. I tried to pick it up several times and I did eventually get over the fear, but I never finished it and since he's been gone I refused to pick it up even once.

What do I go and do? I buy Alan Wake instead. Sure it's going to be a thriller and a little scary, but I was just looking forward to this great mystery. This wonderful psychological thriller that I could immerse myself in and while away the hours until my husbands eventual return. I played it. All by myself. Mostly in the day time and occasionally at night. If I was brave enough. I eventually stopped, first because I’m going to have to sit and watch my husband play it eventually and second because it’s true I’m a little scared. Sympatheticmyas was right, I am chickenshit.

Yesterday I admitted to my Xbox friends that I was too scared to play Alan Wake by myself and this is what they said:

cdpanth3r: ok...im confused...…

Mega Apocalypse: whats allen wake???…

Warcow: lets kick his ass lol

PunishingTruth: yes i would agree

mototombo: Yes, I believe you

STUNTMAN025: COME ON REALLY OR UR BULLSHITHING ME.

tc mcqueen 58th: no

RetroZoon: i'll be right over!…

Warcow: lol yea kinda

sympatheticmyas: chicken shit...lmfao…

Warcow: lol never played it…

LCfiredog239 : huh

So I confused a few people, but it was fun seeing what my friends would say. People either believed me, didn’t believe me or offered to come over and help. Well, I’m not sure if I even believe myself but I’m sure if everyone knew my husband had been gone for over 3.5 months they would totally understand. Forget about the fact that I’ve never EVER been alone in my life. Phfff…PHFF…*sigh*

I can’t wait for him to come home though. I know better than to expect him to get into the same things that I’ve been into these last few months, but I hope we are able to set some time aside and enjoy this game together. I’m really looking forward to that.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Can Yoga Keep Me From Spontaneously Vomiting On Myself?


City life yoga
Originally uploaded by Maharet Raider
I need to go to my happy place, but I can’t go there until tomorrow. After this week I’ll have my husband home so I have no idea if I’ll want to keep my Yoga sessions. I hope I do because I’m doing really well. At least that’s what my Yoga girl says. I could really use it right now too.

Some days are so unbearable emotionally and mentally speaking that I don’t know how I get up in the mornings. Yoga seems to relieve this anxiety and tension that I tend to hang onto. I don’t want to let it go, but I also doubt I would keep it up on my own. Would be nice, but I just don’t have the discipline. Yes, it’s a defeatist attitude, but more realistic than anything. I know myself. I wouldn’t do it. Were I racking up the points it would be a whole different ball game. Oh yes, I could see myself stretching and reaching and attempting to place my ankles behind my ear were I earning points and Achievements. Bring on the ‘chievements and I’m there daily my friends. Until I hurt myself and never do it again. * cough* Dance Dance *cough *

But this post isn’t about my failing as a Dance Dance Dancer/Jumper/Flailer or about my potential failure as a Yoga master. No, it’s about my nerves. I need to get them under control. It’s Monday and I still have Tuesday and most of Wednesday to go before I begin my journey. Every time I think about it my stomach hurts. I wish I weren’t so nervous. I just don’t understand why I feel this way. I don’t think I felt quite this nervous when I went out to Family Pass.

Here’s what my Yoga instructor would say, “Michelle, what’s the worst thing that could happen to you? If you could take a deep breath and picture yourself in that scary place, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Well, I’d miss the Turning Blue Ceremony and I wouldn’t be able to pin his blue cord on.” If that were to happen I would shit myself. Just, SHIT, myself all the way to Sand Hill. I would leave the shit part out of course.

She would then have me picture myself missing that ceremony and bashing that awful thought away with a giant diamond replacing that image with me lovingly pinning the cord on my HoneyPot over and over and over and over and over and over again faster and faster and faster and FASTER AND FASTER AND FASTER until the feeling just dies away. Of course the whole exercise is a whole lot more elegant and there’s really no bashing involved. Just sort of a nice dissolve, like the kind you see in a home made picture slide show.

Of course talking about it does nothing to ease my nerves. In fact they’re back and making my head, neck and shoulders throb incessantly. I do wish I could calm down for a minute. I’m sure everything will be fine and I’ll look back on this horrible week and laugh. I’ll say, “God what was I so worried about?” and just slap myself on the knee and chuckle. Wow, what a memory that’ll be right?

Hopefully I can keep myself from vomiting long enough for that to actually happen though.

Preparing For Xbox Live Reintegration

Next Monday Rigid will be at home most likely doing nothing. Settling back in is probably going to be a little difficult and getting him back into a cleaning routine will most likely be close to impossible. Still, it’ll be good to have my husband back home. One of the biggest regrets I’ve had about this separation is that I never took the time to fix his Xbox. We have two boxes sitting in a cabinet and neither one of them work properly. I don’t want to spend the money on a new box, but I might not have a choice if I don’t send one of these boxes to get fixed…and quick.

Reintegration, from what I’ve heard, can be a difficult transition. Reintegration on Xbox Live I can guarantee will be a nightmare. I can see it all now:

Rigid: TURN AROUND! He’s right behind you.
Maha: Leave me alone.
Rigid: Fine, I’m just trying to help. I’ll leave you alone then.
Maha: Good.

5 min later….
Rigid: To the left. Upper left…left, left LEFT! * blammo I take it in the head from the right * If you would have listened to me…
Maha: FUCK OFF! Don’t help me. YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME!
Rigid: Fine.

2 min later….
Rigid: WHY DID YOU DO THAT????
Maha: What?
Rigid: Why didn’t you turn the corner. You would have gotten the dude.
Maha: * some strange tooth sucking sound * Shut up.
Rigid: BUT….
Maha: SHUT UP! * WHACK I take it right in the back of the head * SHIT!
Rigid: See, I told you.
Maha: Asshole.

Normally at this point I would pull his hair, but the Army took it off so he has no hair for me to pull. My chest is aching just thinking about it. I know that he’ll have some catching up to do with his Xbox friends, but sharing the console has never been our strong suit.

Rigid: My turn.
Maha: You took two turns last time.
Rigid: My turn. Gimme.
Maha: That’s not fair! You took TWO WHOLE TURNS.
Rigid: Fine, go Poppet.

I then proceed to take my third turn. He’s forgetful, but when he catches on it can get ugly.

Maha: MINE!
Rigid: Nope, it’s still my turn.
Maha: MY TURN! (I grab for the controller)
Rigid: Fuck you Bitch. You took three turns. It’s my turn.
Maha: I did not! You lie Sir!!!
Rigid: Fuck you. My turn. You think I don’t notice? Eh? Eh?
Maha: Fine…Asshole.

DAMN IT! Why didn’t I fix his console? Why didn’t I use my transfer kit? Why didn’t I finish Alan Wake? Oh Mother Of Pearl why? WHY???

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Almost There

Almost There

It's finally Sunday and though I should be trying to fall asleep at this time of night I really just can't seem to relax enough. I haven't given myself the chance to relax enough either to be honest. I have so much energy that I could keep on cleaning my apartment most of the night, but of course that will never happen.

I was really hoping for a call today but although I never once let my phone out of my site it never came. He was also not able to call me back like he wanted to yesterday. He called from a concert. Apparently Boost Mobile was letting the soldiers use their cell phones to call home. Now Rigid is looking forward to a new Boost phone. Don't know exactly what we'll do though. I'm not sure if he'll like the Android but it's the best phone they have other than the Blackberry and that's an additional $10 per month.

I hope Rigid is happy with the closet space. I hope he doesn't have too much stuff to bring home with him and that there will be plenty of space in there for now. It's taken me the entire weekend to get this done and I'm still not really finished. It's just a matter of finding a place for all these last bits and bobs. Truth is, I could shove it all under the bed and be done with it. He'd be none the wiser. He wouldn't care either. That's my husband.

Earlier I sat down to play Call of Duty after clearing out the bulk of items into the garage. I was so tired I couldn't move anything else so I sat down to see who was online. Just then FireDog & his brother KombatSquirell jumped on. I mentioned that they had great timing and I think someone asked me what I had been doing. I let them know I'd been cleaning all day and I was so tired. FireDog asked if I was prepping for my husbands return and if that's why I had been cleaning so much all weekend long.

I said yeah and Kombat said I had better or my husband would be pissed. I thought it was funny. I've never seen myself in the type of relationship that would make me have to worry about the state of my home at all times. In fact I know that's not the type of relationship I'm in. It's I that had to worry about how my apartment was being kept day in and day out. I'm the one who came home from work only to find that nothing had been done around the house. That someone was sitting here playing video games all day long and that's why nothing could ever get done.

I'm the one that came home to find Rigid exhausted after doing ONE load of laundry, making the bed and washing some dishes....some. He would do the dishes and leave the cups, cutlery or pots & pans for later. Mostly for tomorrow or the next day actually. Living with a man that doesn't like to do anything including work was not easy.

I'm hoping that the reason for all of that was because he wasn't doing what he loved to do. He loves the military. He loves that line of work and doesn't like doing much of anything else other than being with me and playing video games. I don't know how this new life of ours is going to pan out, but I do hope he gets everything he wants out of life.

Me, well, I hope I'm able to maintain this apartment with him in the house again. I hope he helps me keep this place clean and orderly and I really hope he appreciates what I've done for him because I sure appreciate what he'd doing for us.

It's nearly Monday. Just a few more days and then I see him again. I can't believe it's almost over. My stomach hurts every time I think about it.

I can't believe I'm almost there...

Friday, September 10, 2010

Military Men Need Their Closet Space

Almost There

Okay, I know what you must be thinking. That's one messy girl. Well, yeah, BUT it's not my fault. I've been reading a lot of military blogs and staying on top of my Facebook group. I keep reading about all the bullshit girls go through with gear. The guys tend to bring a lot of stuff home with them and continue to accumulate things as time goes on. I decided I'd do myself a huge favor and preempt the inevitable man clutter to come.

Plus it gives me something to do. I have no more wands, boxes or letters to write. As of today I'm to send not a single letter. Now what do I do right before bed? I always write before bed. I write to the point that my eyes will start to cross. I'll close my eyes, head bobbing up and down with sleep, and continue writing in that state. Despite the fact that I can barely wake up for work the next morning I continue to do it again the next night. I know I miss my husband a lot, but seriously. It can't be good for you.

Well, the closet is all cleared out and now all I have to do is put away most of that junk in the garage. The trash pile on the right has already been placed on trash bags and tossed. It was all a lot easier than i thought, but it's still going to take me some times to get the room all straightened out. I can't wait to get my life back in order.

The kitchen sink is clean, I just have to finish the rest of the kitchen plus the floors. I'll do that plus the living room tomorrow. I'll leave the bedroom for Sunday. I still have to go and buy my shoes and possibly another piece of luggage. Rigid is going to make me bring his belt, shirt, jeans and tennis. That won't be fun to carry so I'll need something with wheels.

I bought a dress that needed to be tailored. I had the skirt of the dress taken in a little, but now I regret not taking in the sides as well. Maybe I can be brave and fix that myself. Then again, maybe not. I'll need that dress for graduation.

Well, I see I still have it. I can still find a really long way of saying a lot of nothing. Whatever.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Speaking Of Pulling Your Head Out Of Your Arse


Head-up-your-ass_a
Originally uploaded by go_hug_a_root
So I got rid of the ants the next day. Well, they're still around, but not in such large quantities. Wow, wonderful no? I'm sure my ant problem is absolutely riveting. I'm sure people actually give two shits about it. I'm such an angry bitch today. I wasn't like this all day. There are fucking little bugs flying around my face.... WTF?

Today was such a boring day. I had several things I wanted to do though. I had a bit of a plan. I would go to Yoga, Nate would call me, but I would have my headset and I would do my Yoga while on the phone with him. I had it all planned out. When the phone would ring I would turn to my Yoga instructor, shake my head and tell her to please continue while I speak to my husband.

I would then go home, clear out the closet for him, wash the mountain of dishes while getting at least 3 loads of laundry done and clean up my bedroom. Yes...I had high hopes.

So, not quite. I left my headset in the car. I didn't go back because I had the sinking suspicion he wouldn't call. He did. Instead of twisting around with the phone I acted like an adult and said okay when he said he could call me back. I kept doing my Yoga and being calm and zen like. I was proud of myself. My Yoga instructor was impressed and happy for me. Impressed? Really? No, I have no clue I was just saying that. HAHAHAHA

He called as I walked out only to get dropped time and again until we finally got a good signal. I hate that phone. I spoke to him most of the way home. I realized halfway through the conversation that I was the only one talking. We kept dropping or he had to go...I bought food and ate in silence at home. Mentally I was tackling the house bit by bit. He called as I ate and asked me a funny question. "What time are you flying in on the 15th Poppet?"

I didn't know, and I couldn't be asked at the moment. I was so happy I was able to talk to him for so long that I just didn't care. He insisted and so I found my itinerary and shit myself when I saw what I saw. I was flying in at 10:55pm on the 15th and arriving the NEXT day at 6am on the 16th. His Turning Blue Ceremony is that very morning. WTF was I going to do now?

Rigid and I started to bicker back and forth and I just didn't want to hear it so I cut him short before he got any ideas. He ended up having to leave anyway so we said our good byes. He was worried, but I just didn't have the time to worry about it. We left it with the idea that I was pretty much going to miss the Turning Blue Ceremony and probably will not make it in time to pin his blue cord on. I wanted to die.

I called Travelocity and found that I would have to pay, in addition to the $369 I've paid, $489 in order to schedule another flight. Can you hear the pebbles drop? Yeah, they're shitting me right? FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT BASTARD AIRLINES. FUCK YOU, FUCK THE TSA, FUCK YOUR MOM, FUCK YOU SOME MORE. I was going to miss the ceremony for no reason other than the fact that I'm a moron. Apparently I can't do anything by myself. I cried like an idiot on the phone to the operator on the other end. She felt to sorry for me she tried to find a cheaper flight, said if only I had called yesterday I could have had my money back & gave me $30 off the price. I just bawled my eyes out.

I hung up because Rigid was calling again on the other line. He was surprised to find me hysterical. Tried to calm me down, I told him to let me fucking cry! Fuck, why do men shit themselves when women cry? I have to cry or I'm going to kill the cats and burn the plane down when I fly OKFUCKINGKAY?

Eventually I heard a strange sucking POP! Funny, I heard my head just snap back into place and when I smeared the shit off my eyes I remembered something funny. I scheduled that flight on purpose. It wasn't a mistake after all. The Turning Blue Ceremony isn't until 9:30am and unless they come out earlier I'll be there in plenty of time. I had it all worked out in my head. I wasn't able to book a better time because everything else was so expensive and there were no good available times. Nothing at all. I REMEMBERED!

I would have booked a flight for $250 2 weeks ago, but Rigid asked me to wait until he got back from the final field exercise. Those times would have been perfect. If I had ignored him and listened to my gut I would have been fine. Making simple decisions like that have become increasingly difficult without him here. That's the one thing I most certainly will admit. It's all about money and how much is being spent. Now THAT'S a matter of pulling my head out of my ass and being the strong independent woman that I know I am. Problem is how will I know what Rigid will be okay with or what he won't be? Will he ever say that I spent too much money again? Will I have to justify an expense again? I mean fuck all that. Not justify. Inform, talk, debate, but only when you can. Otherwise money has to be spent and I'm not spending it on bullshit.

I'm still angry that he made me feel so badly about spending that money in the beginning and then he has the GIANT fucking balls to tell me that I need to be able to handle things on my own? "There's money in the account Michelle. USE IT!" Stupid jerk. I'm still pissed about the ant incident apparently.

Talk about fragmented. *sigh* Well, at least he called and I realized what I had done and why. We parted tonight feeling a lot better, but I was exhausted. I did clean out the closet, but that's it. Everything is just sprawled out all over the spare room. I didn't clean a single dish or do a single load of laundry.

But whatever, at least I was able to pull my head out of my ass long enough to write this blog post right? Right? Heh heh heh....phff. Yeah.

Arguing Over Nothing

Things have been difficult without my husband around. Not difficult because I can’t do it without him. Not difficult because he’s not here to lift things for me. Not difficult because I’m a woman in need of a man’s assistance in all things from putting oil in my car to changing a lightbulb. No. Difficult because I’m sad, depressed and anxious all the time. Those are the things that make my life difficult making the small things even more difficult. DIFFICULT! Not fucking impossible. I’m rolling my eyes deep into the back of my head right now. If you knew the IDIOTIC argument we had over ants you would shit yourself laughing. There he is, my sweet love, on the other line far away in Georgia where I can’t reach over and choke his sweet pencil thin neck.

He called me the day after I went to Disneyland. I had been waiting for his call, but I was so worried about other personal issues that I had forgotten to bring the cell phone with me into the living room. I had been so worried about so many things that I just didn’t think about it. I didn’t think! I missed his call, but I refused to be devastated. I’ll be seeing him again in less than two weeks and I had spoken to him at length the day before. I wasn’t going to die. Of course, my chest hurt and I longed to speak to him, but I was fine. Two hours later I receive a call. I was ecstatic.

I immediately began recounting the reasons why I was so upset. I can tell he was worried. His two cents quickly turned into two hundred. So I changed the conversation to the ant invasion. This time the ants infiltrated my kitchen from so many directions I didn’t know where to start attacking them. I’ve been fighting with them for months now and what was only just an ant invasion seemed to become an infestation. He began to tell me that I should call management and have them spray pesticide. I told him they wouldn’t do anything about it. He said I should call an exterminator. I said I don’t have the money for that. He said we do. I said….you get the picture.

When I told him he could take care of it when he gets home he became irate. He started telling me that if he were deployed I would need to do these things for myself. That he didn’t understand why I was waiting for him to get home to do it for me. (Why? Because I know by the time he gets home there will be nothing to do. Ant season is almost over.) He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just call management and have them take care of it. I simply didn’t think it was that big a deal. We went back and forth until he decided to tell me a story.

His Drill Sergeant said that once during a deployment he called home to his wife only to find that she had been without a washing machine for, count it, ONE WHOLE WEEK. Yeah, ONE WHOLE WEEK. The Sergeant became angry and screamed at her to PULL HER HEAD OUT OF HER ASS and either call a handyman or buy a new washing machine! I kept trying to let him know it really wasn’t that big a deal. I’ll take care of it, but I’m not calling anyone because I simply don’t have the time to deal with it. It’s not a big issue. He just became more agitated and before you knew it he was repeating the story to me over and over again emphasizing that his Sergeant told his wife to PULL HER HEAD OUT OF HER ASS AND GET IT DONE.

It wasn’t long before I became hysterical. I cried and wailed and felt so sorry for myself. Why…Why was he treating me this way? For fucking ant? Are you shitting me? He’s never been so aggressive telling me that I was starting to piss him off because I wasn’t listening. When I told him what he was saying to me, pull my head out of my ass, he said he didn’t say that. We argued about it. Semantics…they always get you don’t they? If your telling me the same story over and over and over again emphasizing a certain phrase then yeah…I call it like I see it. You’re telling me to pull my head out of my ass and take care of this ant invasion before he gets home.

I’m telling him that I will not and he will do it when he gets home. Eventually I quite literally pulled my own head out of my anal cavity and calmed down. I apologized for getting so upset. I told him I would take care of the horrible ants myself. I let him know that if he were ever deployed he wouldn’t have to worry about me. I could take care of myself. I’ve no need for a man in my life to be perfectly honest other than for what a man was intended for and that my dears is the honest truth.

This is how that part of the conversation went:

“Honey, I’m sorry to tell you this, but if you were gone I would be fine. You don’t have to worry about me okay?”
“But I do worry about you Michelle”
“But you don’t have to worry about me I can take care of myself.”
“I do worry about you Michelle”
“But Sweetheart, I’m telling you that if you were gone you don’t have to worry.”
“I’m always worried about you Michelle”

I could go on, but it was such an aggravating conversation. Thank GOD I have some sense in my head. Enough sense to realize that we weren’t arguing about ants. Enough sense to realize that my husband loves and cares for me in a way that I don’t think even he thought was possible. I understand that he wants to make sure I’m okay and that I’m sensible enough to handle things on my own, but ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING DUDE? SERIOUSLY…I’ve BEEN handling EVERYTHING ON MY OWN FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS! That’s how long we’ve been married and that’s how long I’ve supported us. That’s how long I’ve paid all the bills, fed all the cats, kept our gaming lives going.

The whole argument, the reason for arguing, the whole fucking thing was a huge joke on me. I’m being treated like “the little woman”? Seriously? By my husband Rigid Raider, gamer dude from the UK. Really? He’s giving ME the fucking lecture? ME? The woman who has lectured HIM on everything from taking out the trash to cleaning out the literboxes and vacuuming the floors. ME who’s begged and pleaded with him to take the car to the mechanic, get a spare tire fixed or screw in a fucking lightbulb?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Graduation Wands


the last wand
Originally uploaded by Maharet Raider
I can't remember when, but a few months ago I perused the Ft. Benning website yet again. This time I was at home so when I saw the Facebook button I actually took the time to click it. What could Ft. Benning on Facebook possibly offer me but more useless information that I could find anywhere else myself.

I befriended Ft. Benning on Facebook though. I don't know. Somehow it made me feel a little closer to Rigid. If there was anything I could do to feel a little more connected to him I would do it in a heartbeat.

Prior to this I added Ft Benning to my Flickr while at work. I stared and stared through picture after picture knowing full well I'd never see my husband. I tried to find his platoon or company or battalion on Flickr to no avail.

I spoke to our Ranger buddy here at work (he's a broker and an ex Ranger) and he tried to contact the Sergeants desk. I nearly peed myself I was so freaked, but he didn't care. No one answered, but he told me that the Flickr pic's of the platoon's we saw were probably just some PR move and the chances of me ever seeing my husband on Flickr would be...well...zilch. It didn't stop me from hoping and looking.

The day I added Ft. Benning to my Facebook account (which by the way I hardly ever used) was the best thing I had ever done for myself in my life. (Was it? Yeah, I totally think it was.) I looked and read and found out that they had this weird trivia thing. You win trivia and you get pictures of your soldiers company. Really? Trivia? I suck at Trivia, but I was happy to find out more.

I clicked the discussions tab and lo and behold I saw my husbands company right before my eyes. Rigid's company was a link on the discussion tab? Someone was talking about his company? His battalion? His freakin' platoon???? ZOMG Sign me up!

I followed and joined in the conversation and it wasn't long before a girl asked the more important questions EVER. Should I start a group for ECHO BLAH/BLAHBLAHBLAH? I was like HELL YEAH WOMAN! Let's go! And there we went. She sent out the invites and the few of us just jumped on in there right away. We struck up such a great relationship and kept up with each other and how we were feeling. The Sgt's Wife gave us pictures and eventually gave us video and so much information our heads reeled.

My heart was bursting with joy and pride and sorrow all at the same time. Some days I couldn't take it anymore and some days I couldn't get enough. I was always up and down and in some sort of cycle. I was so overjoyed so much of the time that I just wanted to give something back. The girls all wanted to meet at the graduation, but we didn't know how we would know who was who or how we would go about meeting up. How will we know we're on Facebook?

One day, with a lump in my throat, I asked our Faithful Leader what what she thought about Graduation Wands. A long printed ribbon with the graduation date and company name & number attached to a stick. That's basically all it is. Everyone holding this wand and waving it around like a maniac is a Facebooker and in our group.

The girls loved the idea and convinced me to sell them. It was such hard work. Gathering all the materials and getting everything to work together. It involved a lot of driving around the city and a lot of creativity believe it or not. It wasn't easy getting these things mailed and answering everyone's questions every other day. The worst part was having to make my own custom boxes because I couldn't find a box to fit the wands. I saved myself so much money making them myself out of discarded cardboard boxes. THAT was horrible and time consuming, but so worth it!

Today I mailed the last two orders. I’m so proud of myself and so very proud of my husband for everything he’s doing for us. In the beginning I was so against all of this almost to the point of hating him for putting me through this. I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but somewhere along the line I realized that I didn’t hate it at all. I was just worried that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. That I wouldn’t be supportive enough, wise enough or strong enough. I worried so much that I made myself sick. I kept telling myself that I didn’t support him or that I couldn’t support him and I felt like an awful wife. Turns out I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I mean if I really didn’t support my husband why would I have made over 140 ribbon wands for a bunch of hysterical women to wave around on Graduation Day right? Am I insane or what?

Stupid Android & It's Shitty Battery Life!

I don't know why it's only 2pm and my phone is giving me a warning that there's only 15% battery life. Okay, so I do know. Well, no I don't. I mean not really. FUCK! Right, this morning around 10am over half the battery had been depleted.

I checked to see if there was a running program or what could possibly be the problem, but nothing was on. The only thing it could be is that the phone never charged all night like it normally does. It either came unplugged or is unplugged and I didn't notice. SHIT I have to go to the post office before it's too late!

Anyway, today I finally figured out how to use swype. I used the whole tutorial and everything. I had so much fun swyping the pictures on my cell phone to prepare them for download that I didn't realize I was totally depleting my phone of life.

Now what do I do? If Rigid calls me while I'm on the freeway I'll have less than 15% battery life left and I'll just die if the phone konks out on me. WTF????

I have to run now. DAMN IT!!!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Making Amends From A Distance


the hooha letters
Originally uploaded by Maharet Raider
Rigid and I got into it this weekend. Since he’s been gone we’ve had only one other argument. It was a 30 second argument…it really wasn’t even an argument at all in fact. I had spent a lot of money the first month that he was gone. I was nervous, I’d never EVER been alone in my life and we needed a vacuum cleaner desperately. I could just see myself up to my eyeballs in cat litter, hair and hairballs and if I was going to tackle it all on my own then I needed a vacuum cleaner that could handle the task.

I decided that we needed a Dyson Animal. It took me a few days to work up the courage to spend that much money all at once but I finally did it. I had gone to several different stores and looked online for the best possible price. I wasn’t getting it any cheaper than $550.00. I figured the way we go through vacuum cleaners that’s about $100/yr. I bought some other cleaning product, my special swiffer vac and armed myself with a spot vac for pets. I didn’t get all these things at once mind you. Just over a few weeks.

Somewhere in between the Dyson and the Swiffer Vac my SUV got a flat and I found myself on the freeway with no cell phone. Luckily we live in Los Angeles and we have a freeway system in place for broken down vehicles so help came after a short wait. No phone call necessary, but I still freaked out. Not only did I have a flat, but the spare was flat as well. I could have sworn I told my husband to take care of these things before he left, but turns out he told me to take care of it with his first paycheck…FIRST paycheck. I forgot. I had other things on my mind. Like, how to keep from crying every time I see his picture or hear a song he likes. How I miss his tone deaf singing. I mean, I miss it so bad!

There went $350 on two new tires. One of the things I didn’t forget was that Rigid agreed I would need a cell phone. I decided on Boost Mobil since it’s $50.00 per month and unlimited everything. That’s what I call a sweet deal considering how much I love to text, blog and send pictures. Oh, I’m not that social. I’m pretty much talking to myself all day long. I convinced myself that because I’m a heavy blogger/picture taker/ texter/ audio blogger I would require the most wonderful phone on the market available to Boost, the i1 Motorola/Android. A phone like that would keep my mind WAY off my current situation and I wouldn’t miss him as much right? Right? Right. Well, there went another $350 plus $50 to activate the service.

Well, after all those expenses plus groceries and cleaning products I had spent close to $2000 in less than a month. I was leaving pebbles everywhere I went so I would write Rigid each expense. I would tally things up and send him the amounts and I in each letter I would say that I was going to save all my bonuses and put the money back.

At some point I received a call from him. It was the quickest call I’d gotten since he left Reception, but in less than 30 seconds he had me in hysterics. All he had to say was, “I looked at the bank account and saw that you spent nearly $2000 in less than a month. That’s kind of taking the piss don’t you think?” My mind shat itself. I blubbered out how much I needed the vacuum cleaner and I didn’t think about saving the tax by asking the BX to order it instead. As soon as he heard me blubbering he started apologizing. Said that it was okay, that of course I need the vacuum cleaner just that it was a bit of a shock. Begged me to stop crying and told me he was sorry. I felt HORRIBLE. It was the worst 2 minute phone call of my life. I had an instant headache and cried for hours afterwards.

Suddenly I got pissed and wrote the angriest letter ever. The next day I tore it to shreds. It took me several days to get over it and EVERYONE noticed that something was horribly wrong. A short 2 minute phone call just ruined my entire week starting from Sunday. Everyone from my best co-worker/friend down to my physical therapist knew something AWFUL went wrong. I cried for days and days. I would be angry then sad and angry all over again. Okay, I didn’t have to spend so much on the phone. It was a total luxury, but I wasn’t going to spend that kind of money every month. The phone would be my only luxury these next few months and it has been. Other than 1 video game, 3 at a time Netflix and a Gamefly membership. That’s my entertainment.

To be fair he totally understood and I totally understood. Everybody totally understood! The shitty thing was that I had no idea he understood completely until I received a letter days later. He wrote a letter of apology immediately after getting off the phone with me. That showed me a side of him that I wasn’t used to seeing. He can now quickly asses a situation, admit wrongdoing, take responsibility for his actions and make amends. This was a skill he lacked and one which took me a long time to draw out of him. I was so happy when I got that letter that every awful feeling I had just melted away. I didn’t let it go that easily of course. I never let things go easily but when I’m done with an issue I’m done. I’m not done mentioning it I’m just done being hurt about it. I never let things go. That’s probably a bad trait.

This past Saturday we had another argument. A truly pointless argument about ants and my duties as a wife if he ever were deployed.

Really? I mean fucking really?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The War Is Over? Unlikely.

In response to a blog post on Spouse Buzz (http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2010/08/pssssst-.html#comments):

"I knew it. Yesterday when I heard the news that Operation Iraqi Freedom was over I gripped my wheel even tighter. I know my husband wants to go back and he’s looking for any excuse. All Operation New Dawn means to me is my husband will likely be leaving sooner than I expected.

It makes me sick to my stomach that the rest of the world would begin to rest easy with the news that the Iraqi war is over. We know full well that our men and women will continue to have a significant presence in that part of the world. We also know full well that the rest of the world won’t really care and would prefer to believe that all is well. That’s a scary thought, but I’m hoping that people like yourselves won’t allow the rest of the nation to turn a blind eye to the reality that our troops are facing. It’s not over until they’re all home and that’s not going to happen any time soon.

I agree with Renee. I would love to see Iraq or Afghanistan become a place where people from all over the world could travel to and not have the constant threat of being blown to smithereens be a reality. I just don't think that'll happen in our lifetimes. In other words we're in it for the long haul boys and girls. It's far from over." ~ Maha's Comment On Spouse Buzz

So...I thought that picture was appropriate in this case. :)

The War Is Over? Unlikely.

In response to a blog post on Spouse Buzz (http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2010/08/pssssst-.html#comments):

"I knew it. Yesterday when I heard the news that Operation Iraqi Freedom was over I gripped my wheel even tighter. I know my husband wants to go back and he’s looking for any excuse. All Operation New Dawn means to me is my husband will likely be leaving sooner than I expected.

It makes me sick to my stomach that the rest of the world would begin to rest easy with the news that the Iraqi war is over. We know full well that our men and women will continue to have a significant presence in that part of the world. We also know full well that the rest of the world won’t really care and would prefer to believe that all is well. That’s a scary thought, but I’m hoping that people like yourselves won’t allow the rest of the nation to turn a blind eye to the reality that our troops are facing. It’s not over until they’re all home and that’s not going to happen any time soon.

I agree with Renee. I would love to see Iraq or Afghanistan become a place where people from all over the world could travel to and not have the constant threat of being blown to smithereens be a reality. I just don't think that'll happen in our lifetimes. In other words we're in it for the long haul boys and girls. It's far from over." ~ Maha's Comment On Spouse Buzz

So...I thought that picture was appropriate in this case. :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

What The Hell Is FTX Anyway?

So, I just Googled it. I know it had to do with Field Training. I just didn't know what the X could possibly stand for. Dur, Field Training Exercise. Well, now I know. I recently ran across a few pictures of my Honeypie out in the field. I was able to view them yesterday. In fact I probably spent nearly the whole morning perusing through picture after picture on Facebook.

I can’t wait to get the final CD. Although I’m sure 1SG (First Sergeant) has posted most of them they’ve not posted all of them so I’m hoping I get a few good ones on the final CD. We have no idea what the cost of the CD will be and it’s likely going to have a shit ton of pictures on it that I’m not going to need, but I don’t care. I think I might want to create a memory book. Not for Nathan, but for me. He won’t care one way or the other.

The FTX is almost over. They should come back on the 1st or 2nd. We’re hoping to get phone calls soon after that at least on the weekend at some point. I was so happy when I saw Rigid’s face this weekend. It’s so hard with him being gone for so long, but being able to see his face here and there makes it hurt just a little bit less. Now I have new pictures to swoon over on my phone. I can’t wait for all of this to be over.

Graduation Day just can’t get here fast enough.

Ugh, this would be a much better post if I were angry at Rigid. I write better when I'm angry. I wonder why that is? :P

What The Hell Is FTX Anyway?

So, I just Googled it. I know it had to do with Field Training. I just didn't know what the X could possibly stand for. Dur, Field Training Exercise. Well, now I know. I recently ran across a few pictures of my Honeypie out in the field. I was able to view them yesterday. In fact I probably spent nearly the whole morning perusing through picture after picture on Facebook.

I can’t wait to get the final CD. Although I’m sure 1SG (First Sergeant) has posted most of them they’ve not posted all of them so I’m hoping I get a few good ones on the final CD. We have no idea what the cost of the CD will be and it’s likely going to have a shit ton of pictures on it that I’m not going to need, but I don’t care. I think I might want to create a memory book. Not for Nathan, but for me. He won’t care one way or the other.

The FTX is almost over. They should come back on the 1st or 2nd. We’re hoping to get phone calls soon after that at least on the weekend at some point. I was so happy when I saw Rigid’s face this weekend. It’s so hard with him being gone for so long, but being able to see his face here and there makes it hurt just a little bit less. Now I have new pictures to swoon over on my phone. I can’t wait for all of this to be over.

Graduation Day just can’t get here fast enough.

Ugh, this would be a much better post if I were angry at Rigid. I write better when I'm angry. I wonder why that is? :P

Sunday, August 29, 2010

the horrible laptop


the horrible laptop
Originally uploaded by Maharet Raider
Well it's about fucking time. My laptop is finally up and running. I feel like a human being again. Now for the best and fastest way to post a blog...So far, I'm not exactly happy with sending a pic from Flickr and then opening up my Blog dashboard to edit. Too time consuming, but right now it's my best option.

So, the story behind this horrible laptop. I bought it last Christmas as a treat to myself. I've wanted a laptop for as long as I can remember, but I refuse to pay $1000 for one. Unless I get an Alienware there is no way I'm spending that kind of money and unless I know what I'm doing on one I'm not getting an Alienware. For what? So that I end up with some horrible virus and end up without my laptop for months on end? No thank you.

Well, Rigid had been talking about joining the National Guard and I wasn't on his bandwagon yet. All I could think about was my shiny new laptop. It wasn't long before he got serious though and I had to step in to help him. It also wasn't long before this laptop took a complete shit on me. I started having issues with it immediately. That happens sometimes when the drivers need updates or are no good. I had those problems resolved. It was a pain in the ass, but I did it.

About three months after I bought it the damn thing died. Because I was so busy with Rigid's progress on signing his life away, and mine mind you, to the Army I just didn't have the time to give this piece of crap a second thought. I didn't have time to give anything a second thought. It's amazing how little you care about anything else that's going on when your husband is about to embark on a journey that could inevitably take him away from you for ever. Yes, funny that. Call me selfish, but I wanted to spend every minute of every day with him when I realized he was fucking serious. I nearly shit myself when I lifted the veil from my idiot eyes. My husband was serious. He had few options at this point. Not because he is incapable of keeping a job or holding one down, but because the things he wanted were at this point too far out of reach and he's in a hurry.

Time flew by so quickly. When he signed on the dotted line the days flew by. Tick, tick, tick, tick. That's all I could hear buzzing between my ears. My brain was on fire. Try explaining that to someone. Try helping someone really understand that you've never been alone and you're terrified. You who people come to for help with just about everything. You who almost always have all the answers. Well, for everyone else but yourself. It's so strange. I'm really not the person I once was. I used to be so confident and could care less if anyone thought I was wrong. I was right for me and that's all that mattered. Now, especially with Rigid being gone, I'm a mess. I can't make any decisions on my own without him. I can't even go shopping on my own or spend money other than on bills and groceries. I mean, lord!, I haven't even gotten into the vacuum cleaner incident...Oh but I will, I will my friends.

So, eventually after I successfully managed to yank my head out of my ass I took my laptop to Best Buy and left it in the Geeks hands. I didn't think about it again because two weeks later I was flying to Georgia to see Rigid for the first time in 4 months. GOD I fucking missed him. It's awful because all everyone would say to me was, "You guys are gonna fuck like rabbits." No seriously, people would actually say shit like that to me.  I always rolled my eyes and told them to fuck off. I mean seriously, people are so gross. Like I was going to actually spend my entire time in Columbus, Georgia fucking like a mad rabbit. Me...a fuck bunny. That's just hysterical.

Okay, so...someone hand me a carrot. I stood corrected or rather lay corrected....a lot. Thank God I took the lube. Holy.

Coming back home wasn't fun. Finding myself alone again was hard. I kept feeling him next to me in the middle of the night and missing him just as bad as when he first left. Eventually things slowly got back to normal and a thought finally occurred to me. I laptop HAS to be ready. I was supposed to pick it up before I left. Well, turns out it's been done since 8/2...go fig. I got it back, but there were a few issues.

First, they forgot to give me my battery. Kind of a problem I'd say. Then I realized I only had one recovery disc. Don't know where mine went. Luckily the Geeks gave me a number to call and I got that all ordered. Fucking racket that they have. The manufacturers I mean.

Yesterday I got a ton of stuff in the mail. Letters from Rigid, a wand order payment, a birthday card from Mummy for Rigid and the recovery disc set.

There you have it. I reset my laptop no problem. Took half the night, but it was fairly easy. Tons of updates to wait for, but it was an easy feat. Much easier than I had anticipated. Now that my laptop is all configured and ready to fly I just have to figure out what I want to do with it. I'm leaning towards blogging mostly. That was my problem when I first bought it. I didn't know what I wanted to do for some reason. Now I do, but I think it's going to be time for a new blog soon.

It may be time to put away the Misventures since I never did like that name anyway. It was supposed to be the Misadventures, but it was taken. God damn it I'm a moron.

Friday, August 27, 2010

It Won't Be Long Now

My stomach is hurting. It's late and I want to go to bed, but I normally write to him before I fall asleep. Today I'm just not in the mood. I don't know why, but I feel a little angry. Maybe I'm just a little sad. It's his birthday and I didn't do anything fun. I ment to go buy a fun dinner and maybe a nice dessert or a cake. I was going to do a quick video with me singing happy birthday in the background.

Yeah, I had it all planned out in my head. Unfortunately these cramps got the better of me and eventually didn't do any of the things I wanted to do. I just came home. Now my stomach is gurgling and it's because I ate too much garbage. I annoy myself. I think I do it on purpose.

People keep asking me over and over again when Rigid is coming back. I've had a few more people tell me how brave I am or how brave he is. It's funny, I'm pretty sure if he was a fireman or police officer people wouldn't be constantly reminding me how much danger he's in. I mean, he's not even in any danger and they're already reacting like it's the most horrible thing in the world. I'm sure I must have done the same at some point in my life. You know, that ignorant thing people do when they're not in your shoes.

Doesn't matter. It's almost over. It's almost time to see him again and the very next day he'll be coming home. I wonder if anyone things I'm taking this all very well. I mean, I wonder if I'm handling this as gracefully as one might expect. Do I act as if I don't care or it doesn't bother me? Do I over react and get too emotional in public? I don't think so.

There have been times when I've gamed with my friends on Xbox and I had either been crying before or during a game. I know they don't know how painful this has been for me. Well, I know most of them are smart enough not to touch on the subject too much with me. Most of us know each other on a more personal level than say a co-worker or even my own family sometimes.

No, I know people can only imagine what this must feel like. You just never really know until you've been through it. I've never known this kind of loneliness. Not ever. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Regardless of what I feel now the excitement of the ceremony looms ahead of me and I can't wait to walk on that paved road to the National Infantry Museum again.

Rigid will be there, and I get to pin his blue cord on.

I can't wait.