Tuesday, May 8, 2012

When Happy Feels Like An Old Memory

well, it's not like i'm ever going to publish anything so why do i bother with cap's and commas and periods and grammar at all. fuck it. i'm sitting here watching bones and wondering why i don't bother blogging anymore. i've lost all my passion, but i miss my blogs so much so i have to update them here and there with a little something. besides i really want to get started with my craft blog.

since i've lost the writing bug i have no desire to really update much of anything anymore. sucks. maybe i need rigid to piss me off. he used to piss me off so much. what an insensitive bastard. that's what i need to do. i need to dig deep and revisit that hate...that deep deep hate. *sigh* i don't feel it.

instead of hate i feel sad. he's not here. and i hate to admit it...i mean, talk about serious hate, hate, hate to admit that i miss him. UGH. it pisses me off that he joined the national guard. it just PISSES me the fuck off. he didn't listen to me. he never fucking listens to me. i told him it would be even harder for him to get a job. i told him no one would hire him, but he didn't listen to me. now we've been suffering for the last two years because of it. so he goes away as long as he possibly can with the guard so he can manage to make more than a measly $200 on his getaway weekend warrior weekends. they're like mini vacations. idiot. IDIOT.

then he's asking me to borrow money from my mother. MY MOTHER who is sick and stage 4 and sick. we haven't even gotten started yet (with the fight i mean) and we're doing do well, but money is so tight. now i feel guilty that i didn't put any money into his account. but i mean seriously. he asks me to borrow $40 from my mother and he'll pay her back on tuesday. really??? we've already borrowed so much just for gas and food and he's asking for more because he doesn't have a job and hasn't ever supported us? we have to pay all that money back and he wants to borrow more? get this, because he needs laundry detergent. he's so full of shit. he can't even come up with a good excuse.

he just doesn't want to eat the mre's for lunch anymore. they're making him sick. at least that's what he's making it seem like. well, his body better get  used to it because i'm not going to borrow more money from my mom. at this rated whatever he makes is going to end  up back in her pocket and the rest will probably end up with the state. apparently they overpaid him during his knee injury. such a fucking mess. 

well, all i have done is complain today so on to happy thoughts. actually, i didn't write about losing my morrigan did i? i can't remember. well she passed away earlier this year. i had to put her to sleep. it was her time and i only wanted her to have happy kitty thoughts so to prevent any further suffering i did what i had to do. it was painful, but a lot easier than i thought. easier and harder in some ways. i'm just glad i had a little time with her before i put her down. her ashes are now resting next to her kitten grendel. may they both rest in peace knowing that they brought the most amazing joy into our lives. 

i am now currently living with salem, artemis, seren and bunny lenore. arti and lenore and little friends. they were a little too close for a while there. humping each other all day long. it was a mess. it was so bad that i had to take lenore to the vet to see if she was actually a female. she was. suffice it to say everyone in the house is now snipped and calm. i'm also not having any issues with the cats either. so far the worst thing that has happened has been stepping in an enormous hairball at 4:30 in the morning. that is just never fun at anytime, but even less fun barefoot.

still, despite all the horrible things i've been through this year so far i'm happy. i didn't know i was capable of sitting in a hospital room day after day caring for someone or even just keeping them company never having to utter so much as a word. i've never spent the night at a hospital. i've never eaten so much hospital food. i never imagined my life changing so dramatically overnight and welcoming every second of it as long as i can have one more day, week or month with a loved one. not like this time at least because i did go through this before with my exhusband. that was no fun either, but i was young and inexperienced and really  really scared. i also didn't remember how to knit back then.

my knitting and crocheting have been a lifesaver. i mostly just knitted the entire time i was at the hospital. i can't even recall how many scarves i made, but by the time i was done i was good. damn good. so, i'm trying my hand at a skirt next. i made several scarves, one circle wrap and i'm not working on a wrap skirt. it's going to be great. i look forward to creating something everyday and doing this really helped keep that elephant off my chest. sometimes i can't get the fluttering to stop and it makes me feel so low and so tired, but then i'll pick up my knitting and just go go go. before you know it i forget all about the pain in my chest and then it's gone. 

there's so much more to say. i'm not going to make any promises, but i'm going to do my best to write a little something. i remember when it used to make me so happy. 

happy seems so far away, but i thought i said i was happy. if i'm not then what is this? what is it exactly that i feel if not entirely happy? content? satisfied? no, i don't feel any of that. i think i feel like i should be happy. like, the fact that i'm living and breathing and can't still count all my fingers and toes should make me happy, but i don't know. sometimes happy feels like a memory...an old old memory.

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