Monday, October 16, 2006

Not Sick Like Me

I've been using this product for my hair. I'm pretty much allergic to all things smelly... good smelly or bad smelly... and now I have the scabbies on my scalp. I'm itching all over as if I have fleas. Pain in the ass. You know what though? I can't help it. I itch and itch and scratch and scratch... it's comforting. Even if I make myself bleed...That sounds like a bad thing doesn't it?

My Drug Pusher kept me on the Straterra. I was worried because it didn't look like he'd do anything to help me deal with the mood swings, but after I told him all the stuff my sister was on he put me on Depakote. I may get into that further, but I'm trying to watch Battlestar Galactica. I missed it this Friday when I went to Disneyland. I had a blast by the way. I missed my niece and nephew so damn much It felt like my heart was shrivelling up into a little black pit. I hate that feeling. Well, the day Rigid and I headed over to my Pusher I pretty much wanted to kill him. He could not possibly say anything that would comfort me or make me feel normal. Of course, that's pretty much because I'm not normal and nothing you could say to me would be taken in a normal kind of way. Nice to be me. :) Cheers.

After the Dr's I took the Straterra and the Depakote. It was tough to take both pills at the same time, but I did okay. Late that night I freaked out a bit. I met Mega Apocalypse and his entire family that afternoon, we had a great time by the way, but not long after that very lovely afternoon Rigid had me in hysterics. He decided to be aggressive while driving again, something he has a really difficult time NOT doing, and didn't want to let an SUV into our turning lane because he decided to cut right into us at the last minute and when Rigid decided to charge into him (had we collided I would have smacked into the SUV) the SUV driver decided to throw on his left signal which threw Rigid into a hysterical honking fit which FREAKED ME THE FAT FUCK OUT. I mean it's only my first day on a new mood stabilizer. Can you cut me a little fucking slack here?

It took me a while to get a grip. It wasn't helping that he kept asking me what was wrong as if he actually didn't know. That makes me even worse out of sheer frustration. I eventually got control of myself (thank god for drugs huh?) and we decided to carry on. We were going to meet my little sister and her husband to be at Universal City Walk. It took us over 2.5 hrs to get there. It was insane. It was fucking outrageous. It was fucking god damned infuriating. WE HAD SO MUCH FUN! lol Rigid and I got ourselves something to eat at Bubba Gumps Restaurant. My Sis met us there, shortly after that we went straight to the Howl At The Moon for my sisters favorite Mai Thai buckets. They treated me to this giant bucket thingy with gigantic straws, loads of cherries and yumy Mai Thai drinkie. It was so cool, and my sister and her fiance are so much fun. We don't hang out often enough and I know I have my whole family worried as hell, but I can't help it right now. I'm trying though.

We eventually called it a night, because Rigid was tired and although I wanted to stay I knew I was tired too so why fight and considering it was my first time on new meds, I didn't want to drink much. I mean you honestly shouldn't drink at all, but what the hell. As long as I'm being watched. The next day, Sunday, was very relaxing. I didn't really do much. We had a HUGE breakfast. We watched TV, a movie and played that new game the Mega and his family got for us, American Army. Getting started was a little tough. You have to get used to the controller and the way the character moves. Once you have a character all set up you end up in a training program that to someone like me seems unbelievably redundant. I don't want to figure out how to crouch, run, take a ladder or use my gun. I already know how, but the obstacle course ends up being a real pain in the ass. I eventually have to do it on a timer. I noticed Rigid losing his patience with me, as though he could have instantly done a better job than me. I ignored it and let it go, but he persisted and when I didn't make it in the time that I was given he got ridicoulously angry. At first I was ignoring it, but then he became really aggressive. It wasn't like he was hurting me physically. It was a mental attack.

What happens in a mental mind fuck? You're made to feel small, insignificant, worthless and completely incapable of any ability to think for yourself. Suddenly I was reverted to feeling like a child, unable to cope with my surroundings, wanting my bankie and wondering why my honey pie was acting LIKE SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Suddenly I was crying like a baby because all I did was look at him and that ugly unforgiving look melted off his face and he apologized, held me, kissed me and told me he was being insensitive. No darling. I wish that's all it was, but it's not. It's so much more than insensitivity. It's ugly and evil. It has no name yet there's a name for it... I just don't know it yet. I wept because my husband is ill, just not like me.

So what is it? Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder.... WHAT? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? None of those disorders would require medication of any kind as far as I know. Those are behavioral disorders not chemical imbalances really. Maybe BPD... yet most Dr's wouldn't put someone on meds for it...Not all the time. It doesn't matter. I held my husband. I held him and cried until I was blue in the face. I didn't want to let him go. I'm going to help him. I'm going to help ourselves through th is. I have to the very least I have to try.

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