Sometimes after a huge ordeal like the last one it's difficult for me to get back on and write again. Mostly because after a huge ordeal were just plain happy. We're careful and handle one another with care. I did go to my Pusher that weekend and told him what happened and he did prescribe something else for me in addition to taking the Strattera off the regime. I can't begin to describe how much better I have felt. So much so in fact that I sometimes forget to take my Depakote. Not a good thing considering that I need that always to stabalize my mood swings. So now I'm only taking Depakote and Klonopin or rather the Generic form Clonazepam.
Since being taken off Strattera I've been doing great. I'm feeling much more stable and better able to handle any mental attacks or just plain silliness. I don't feel as compelled to correct a situation and MAKE Rigid understand me. If he doesn't get it he doesn't get it and I'll explain it later or let him figure it out on his own. That's actually worked out just fine, because he's not an idiot and has had 3 years to get to know me and knows just what I need from him. Usually first and foremost it's an appology. My appology comes later...though not much later.
I've been on vacation the last couple of weeks. I'm glad I was able to take that time off after that huge fight because I really needed some time to myself. I wasn't exactly prepared for that fact that I wouldn't actually be alone. Mom was there each and every single day. It wasn't so bad though. I got used to it and actually looked forward to spending a little quality time with her. That quality time consisted of Novellas and the Food Network. Hours and HOURS of Food Network shows. I found it strangley lonely after she would leave though. Everyday there were long bouts of time between my Mom and Rigid and I didn't really know what to do with myself. I watched TV, I cleaned, I even thought of going to the gym, joggin or reading a book. I couldn't really bring myself to do anything other than clean or watch TV.
One day, I caught the last 10 minutes of a show called Charmed. It was one of my favorite shows when it came out and I followed it religiously. I'd seen the episode and knew that Cole was evil and Phoebe was unbeknowingnly in his evil grasp in his lavish San Francisco apartment. (Yeah, the scene was just as cheezy as that sentence.) The phone rings and Phoebe picks up. It's her Doctor and he begins to tell her the great news. She's pregnant! He's extatic for her and she's stunned into silence, my heart suddenly starts pounding and as she starts to hit the floor I have a flashback of my Doctors face in the hospital last year. He didn't know wether he was giving us good news or bad and he came to my side. Unfourtulately this wasn't a memory. It was a flashback and when Phoebe hit the floor and the Doctor began calling her name my brain was on fire. My chest constricted and I desperately needed to take a deep breath, but couldn't because I had a massive mouthfull of some kind of meat I was eating. Talk about a couch potato...Well get to my bad eating habits later.
So I have this chunk of food in my mouth and am in the middle of a massive panick attack. The memories of that day at the hospital mixed in with everything that happened after that. The wonderful feeling that both Rigid and I shared together and the awful pain that came afterwards followed by the teeter totter behavior I have continued to experience to this day ever since. I spat my food out somehow onto something, I accidentally changed the channel as I did. I tried moving the coffee table so I could roll off the sofa (yes, I was lying down and YES that gross) and catch my breath but wasn't able to as I had no strength in my arms. I managed to get up using my legs. I breathed, but it wasn't full enough because I was gasping for air, crying, snot and saliva running everywhere. I stood and paced and didn't know what to do. I wanted to go get a knife or some pills ...run the bath, anything that would make this feeling go away. And then I remembered THE PUSHER. He gave me these magic little pills that make it all better.
I went to my purse and tore the bottle out of it, fumbled to open it and took out one pill. Just one. I lied back down on the couch, finished crying and then POOF like magic I was fine. Not drugged, not freaky or psychadelic, just ... fine. I call Rigid and told him what happened and that was that. The rest of my vacation was pretty mundane.
Thanksgiving came up and we celebrated at my sisters new place. That was a blast because after my mom left we started drinking and having a great time. I ended up meeting this really nice guy that day that my sister and I had a great time talking with. Of course the only thing of real significance is the fight Rigid and I had. My sister was started to get a little aggitated. Something was a little off with her, but I hadn't really put my finger on it. Aric was flapping his arms around a lot and trying to get on the computer. Rigid would get back on the computer everytime Aric would get up. My sister started to tell me in my ear to ask Rigid to get up and let Aric do his thing. Everyone in the kitchen where I'm sitting is talking rather loudly and drinking quite a bit. We were all having such a great time and all I wanted to do was get back to the conversation. I told him to get up and let Aric use the computer, but he insisted that he was trying to help him. Aric wasn't really flipping out, but my sister was nervous with the company and didn't want to give him an excuse and because she kept grabbing me and whispering desperately in my ear I eventually became frustrated and began calling Rigid over and over again until he got off the Damn desk.
That was my mistake. He then spun out of the chair, spat a few choice words out at me, jabbed his long finger in my direction as he fired out said words all the while looking like a choke victim; all red and puffy faced. It was great. So I calmy said, "Go away." and turned my attention back to the conversation which had completely died out at this point. I redirected everyones attention back from Rigid to me with some witty comment and we all laughed it off and went on with out evening. Once I got a chance to address what happened I pulled him to the side. We'd been drinking but we weren't drunk so a conversation wouldn't be all that bad right? Wrong. The conversation went from talking to telling him to go home. He said he would and I said great and went back to the party. Everything done very calmly. Eventually when people started to miss him they asked me where he was. I told him I sent him home, but that he was probably out sulking on the front porch.
I had plenty of time to rethink the entire thing while chatting with our guests and I realized that I really didn't want him to go home. I realized that I really wished he were there with me. I realized that though his reaction was uncalled for that I was wrong. I went out to the porch to see if I could catch a glimpse of our car somewhere down the GIGANTIC hill my sister lived on, but it was so dark I couldn't see a thing. I did however catch glimpse of a hulking mass about the size Rigid would be if he was sulking in a chair with his arms crossed out of the corner of my eye. I nearly laughed, but I did restrain myself and managed an appology. So did he and we eventually made our way back to the party with no hard feelings. We all still managed to have a great time.
My anniversary came up a few days later. We so wanted it to be this huge special event. We wanted to go to The Nappa Valley or Las Vegas or ANYWHERE, but he hit another car and we weren't able to do much of anything. In fact we were so low on money that we weren't even able to go out to dinner. It was our fault of course because we didn't really need to buy the cats an $80.00 scratching post did we? Still my mother helped to make it a very special day. A few days before she was worried about being there and told me that she'd be happy to leave if we want to have some privacy. You know, to have sex. She said she'd be happy to go to her room or leave the house if we want to be extra noisy or whatever. I asked her to please stop talking.
I didn't mind having her there. Her cooking is great and so long as she's doing it at my house doesn't seem to give Rigid diareah which is an even bigger bonus! Exchanging presents was fun too. Rigid had been trying to get me to open mine since midnight. I didn't want to open them until dinner time, but he just couldn't get past breakfast. In fact he didn't get past breakfast. While mom cooked we exchanged gifts. I gave him my picture album first. He loved it. I then gave him the Giant Dragon Head which held a lot of significance and meaning in out relationship.
Here's the back story on the dragon. The first year we were together we did many many things. We travelled to Mexico, went to Disneyland, Hollywood, Long Beach and Downtown. On his second trip to the states I took him to Chinatown. We were hopelessly in love and I was completely obsessed with him. (I think I still am.) As we walked through yet another colorful shop full of neat chinese artifacts we came across a small orange paper mache dragon. It had a furry little mowhak and a beard. I loved that thing and have no idea why we didn't buy it. Well, since we weren't buying it I asked him to kiss it. I only did it to see if he would I guess. He wouldn't do it. He refused to do it! I eventually got my way of course and I snapped a picture at JUST the right time. It was one of those classic moments that you just can never get out of your mind. He called me an arsehole and we moved on to another shop, but I printed that picture and eventually placed it in out special anniversary album.
That's what I gave him. Lovley items from the bottom of my heart. Special and heart warming items. Then I opened my prezzies. A lovley string of small Japanese lanterns and two little origami cranes done on white paper. TWO little origami cranes ON PLAIN WHITE PAPER. I'm not lying when I tell you that I can do those cranes in the dark. Not complete dark mind you... a little light is required, but I may as well have my eyes shut. I specifically told him NOT to do something silly like get me an origami anything because I can do it myself. Nope... I got origami cranes for my anniversary. Two of them. Not like a thousand for good luck or anything no... just two. You know, one for him and one for me. He explained that they didn't know how to do turtledoves. I was like..."Oh.. origami cranes. Thanks honey." kissey kissey. PHFF! BAH I SAY!!! And here I've been saying, "It's the thought the counts." blah blah blah FUCKING BLAH!
In the end I grew to love my little paper cranes. I mean he is a man after all and I did ask for paper lanterns. Not quite what I had in mind, but close enough. Maybe I'll teach him how to make the paper cranes so we can hang them on our 2nd Christmas tree. Now that sounds like a wonderful idea and if that bastard fights me on it I'll chop his weener off!!!!
Tomorrow keep an eye out for The Suicide Attempt...