Friday, January 5, 2007

New Years Eve Misadventures

The new year came and went, but certainly not without it’s near catastrophe’s. I had a great time, but what transpired New Years Eve between Pumpo and I will forever be ingrained in my brain… I’m also not making any sense am I? I’ll start on Christmas Day.

While Pumpo and Kat visited on Christmas I let them know that Rigid and I were going to see Edward Scissorhands the dance musical on New Years Eve. We had everything prepared. We purchased a $350.00 suit at a big discount at a store that was going out of business. While there we purchased a nice dark blue collared shirt and tie. On another one of our visits to the mall I snuck over to Macey’s while Rigid got a haircut and proceeded to buy him a pair of fancy schmancy shoes. I figure he’ll need them if he really does want to do body guarding work so it would be worth it. I bought a pair of $100.00 Rockports. Keep in mind that spending money like that on a man’s shoes to me is ABSOLUTELY outrageous to me. Now a days I’m sure that spending $200 on a pair of shoes is probably the done thing, but for me??? Not so much. The very idea makes me want to vomit BUT I wanted New Years Eve to be special so… I got him the shoes. Besides, they weren’t girly man shoes. They’re good, sturdy shoes with a rubber sole that won’t fall apart in a little water.

I also bought myself a nice dress on another visit to the mall. I believe it was the day before Christmas when I was frantically trying to buy my Ex (Pumpo) another present. I just didn’t feel that what I got him and his girlfriend was good enough and I couldn’t get that uneasy feeling out of my stomach. He went out of his way this year to buy presents for Kat’s ENTIRE family and I KNEW that there was no way he’d be happy with what he was going to get in return. No one ever is! Hence the, “It’s not about what you receive, but what you give that’s important.” Bullshit. I don’t care. I know my family, they do their best, but they don’t know me nor do they really care to. My sister asked me what I wanted and I said that’s not what it’s about. I know that sometimes I can be a shit about the things my husband buys me. He should know better… a pair of paper cranes that he actually didn’t pay for??? Probably not the best anniversary present right? Especially when he knows full well that I can make them myself. I mean the day he told me he loved me I made him a teensy tiny little crane out of a gum wrapper!!!! Who cares, that’s what I got and you know what? Even though I’m still smarting from that he did his best. It wasn’t that he wasn’t thinking…that was simply his way of being romantic. SO the point is be happy of what your giving, not what your getting EVEN if it means you get nothing at all. Why, because you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment that’s why. Yeah, sometimes people surprise you, but the rest of the time it’s fruitcake for you!

I was nervous about telling them that I would be going to see the musical and so I started running on and on about what we’ve had to buy just to prepare for the day and how excited I was about going, that the 31st is the last day of the production etc. They seemed genuinely happy and we moved on to opening our gifts. Of course I was ecstatic to get my Gamestop card. I knew exactly was it was going to be, still, I was disappointed because I could have been playing my 360 that very day had he not told me I should wait. I was upset, but did my best to hide it. After all, he thought he was doing the right thing (To be honest he did though because I would have ended up spending WAY more money). They opened their presents and tried to do their best to look grateful for receiving them. I knew better though, Pumpo HATED his present. I gave him Lock, his favorite character in Lost and a Virgin Mega Store phone. It was supposed to be the $70 phone with online capabilities, but somehow we ended up getting a stupid $20 phone by accident. I had such a hard time finding anything good for him. I wanted to get him a camera, but they were all too much money, so I decided he needed a phone, but couldn’t find the one I wanted. I finally found that one at a Save-On but the idiots couldn’t find the price so they brought me a different phone. I hadn’t realized it until we were out the door, but there was no time to go back. We were already late and Christmas Eve was fast approaching.

He hid his disappointment fairly well for the first time in his life (There’s a long story behind this comment and won’t go into detail about it, but let’s just say that gifting problems have always been a problem for me. I NEVER buy him anything unless he tells me EXACTLY what he wants. No surprises for him.) Well, I should have known better. The next day he called me to tell me how gay his phone was. I know it’s a horrible phone. I tried to tell him that we could exchange it, but it’s only meant to be temporary until he gets the phone of his choosing, but honestly. It doesn’t matter. I knew he wouldn’t like it, but I would have liked it if he could just appreciate it a little (Which, after just speaking to him on the phone, I now believe he truly does). I spent over $70 on them. I know it’s not much, but I didn’t even spend that much money on my own sister! I only just spent $20 more on my own Mother! I really wish that he hadn’t gone out of his way and spent so much money on Rigid and I. How can you give presents like that and NOT be disappointed at what you get in return. How is anyone in our circle supposed to live up to that? And of course he called me again later complaining about all the shitty presents he got from his girlfriends family. I think someone got him a book on “How to be Obnoxious”…something like that. He was a little upset about that to say the least. But can he blame them? He’s fucking obnoxious as hell! He’s loud and annoying and totally outrageous, especially when drunk. It’s not like he’s falling down all over the place or drooling over people’s shoulders just… I know what my ex-husband is like and…I know what people say. And I hate it. The fact that someone gave him that book was just brutal in my eyes, but maybe it’ll wake him up a bit. Knowing him though he’ll shrug it off because “they’re” the idiots, not him.

He did his best to not make me feel bad about the phone though and to my surprise I really didn’t. I did everything I could to get everyone a decent present. I shopped at the FUCKING MALL!!! I NEVER shop at the mall! NEVER…okay, since I’ve been with Rigid I’ve been doing more mall shopping and even before him I went to the mall here and there, but NEVER and I mean NEVER during Christmas time because I HATE people. All those strollers, screaming children, dirty nappies, Santa Claus, boogers, angry mothers, annoyed fathers and stupid hairy crusty old ladies in their fucking walkers smashing into you without a care in the fucking god damned world!!!!! But you see, I’m on medication now and I was able to do this without much of a problem. Sure I got annoyed here and there and maybe even a little frustrated when people blatantly shoved into me, but when they’d see the look on my face they’d apologize and I’d be on my merry way. I had so much fun shopping and the only one I stressed about was Pumpo because his present just wasn’t good enough. Unless I had spent $150 on a knife or some gun part it never would have been and since I don’t know what he likes there’s no way I was going to do that. That’s it. Nothing else to it.

That Wednesday he called me up and cancelled the New Years party he was having at his house because his girlfriend was upset that her sister was leaving for Texas with her New Husband to be (The wedding was going to be that Saturday). I was upset, not for myself, but for him. He was going to spend the New Year by himself and watch her mope around the house because her sister was leaving to Texas earlier than expected even though they ALREADY KNEW she was leaving to Texas! Regardless of that Rigid and I weren’t going to let that ruin our plans. The only problem was that we didn’t make reservations for dinner and we had no plans for after the musical. We figured we’d just wing it. On Saturday while Pumpo and Kat were out celebrating her sisters wedding Rigid and I were doing some final shopping. He took me to the mall because we still had to pick up his suit. I ended up buying a beautiful pair of shoes that cost me way too much money and since I did that I figured I should get a purse to match. I was insane!!! The purse was $80 bucks but I bought it at a discount for $60 at Macey’s. I’m starting to like that store…it’s fucking sickening.

We hung around the house playing our 360 most of the morning until it was time to get ready. I wanted to take pictures before we left so we got started early. Rigid looked so handsome in his suit and I felt very pretty in my dress, new shoes, handbag and jewelry. I felt like I was playing dress up. We looked dashing, felt dashing and needed to dash right the fuck out of the house if we were going to have dinner anywhere so I grabbed my camera and got it ready for the tripod. Unfortunately our batteries had run out. I’ll repeat that incase you didn’t get it the first time. OUR FUCKING BATTERIES HAD RUN OUT. …. ALL OF THEM! Why you ask? Because we played the hell out of our 360 for the last week and didn’t bother charging them up properly. FUCK!!!!!!! Now I have no pretty pictures of us looking all….pretty. So before I have time to get so pissed off that I start to cry Pumpo called to re-invite us over to his house. I could tell he was already quite sloshed, but since we didn’t really make plans and I knew that if not for us they’d be sitting there by themselves on New Years Eve I thought, why not, and told him we’d go.

On our way out the door we grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels (the one my brother in law gave me for Xmas) and the bottle of Moet. We made a quick pit stop at the gas station for gas, money, water and batteries. NICE. We were on our way to fun and merriment. Just as Rigid goes to turn left for the freeway he asked me where the directions where. All we were missing in that exchange was Larry. I was Mo, Rigid was Curly and I really wanted to put a hammer right through his fat noggin. STILL, I tried my best not to let it get to me but I couldn’t help but feel that it was an omen of things to come. We quickly drove back home for the directions, jumped on the freeway and were sailing along when he asked me navigate and tell him where to go. We know we’re supposed to be in Los Angeles, but it’s so easy to get lost. I looked at his directions and found them quite illegible. He wrote them in some strange sort of shorthand the likes of which only he could decipher, well either he or a monkey. That and he had us taking a freeway that was completely out of the way from where we should have been. Not sure what happened in his brain when he wrote said directions, but something must have farted in there. It must have been putrid in his brain… I was furious. I don’t think any amount of medication can help someone like me in that kind of situation. We ended up going the wrong way down the freeway and had to turn back to go the way we came. Eventually we gave up altogether and just went downtown the way we know how. Unfortunately for us we were no where near the restaurant he wanted to go to and he was soooo looking forward to a nice steak. TOO BAD! I got so annoyed with the whole thing and was so worried that we wouldn’t find a restaurant OR the theater at that point (Did I mention I had a nightmare that we missed the musical? The things that go on in my head.) that I had him go straight to the first place I knew exactly how to get to, more or less. Little Tokyo!

Once we were there and sitting down at the first Sushi Bar I found I relaxed. I really wish I had been paying attention when the Sushi man asked me if we wanted wasabi, but it wasn’t that horrible. He knew not to add too much. I really don’t like Sake, but I had some nice and warm, Rigid had a Sapporo biiru as well. All in all a great Sushi experience… except the little brain thingies…no, definitely not the little brain thingies. I believe the little man called it a sea urchin. Blah! Not a good idea. Once we left, I a little tipsy by the way, the anxiety came back. I was sure we weren’t going to find the theater, but I swear we were practically two blocks and a right turn away! It was amazing. Talk about dumb luck. I figured at this point parking would be a nightmare because our luck had to run out right? Nope, not a problem.

The site was gorgeous with water fountains and statues scattered here and there. They had a fully stocked bar right outside where you could order cheese and crackers and who knows what else. I really wished we had gone there first. The motley of people there to see the show was very diverse. Some people were really dressed up, you could tell the rich from the poor right away even if they weren’t dressed up. Why is it that rich people just exude the fact that they have millions even if they’re dressed like the homeless? Loads of freaky people too so I felt right at home. It certainly made my first experience to a real theater an easy one.

When we got inside Rigid bought me a glass of wine, but he kept making comments about the prices of everything. “Cunt” this and “Fuck” that…I was so embarrassed, but I think he got the idea when I finally turned to him and said “Would you please shut the fuck up? You’re embarrassing me.” Through my teeth. How common are we? It was really fun watching all those people ambling around in the halls just waiting for curtain call. You could feel a bit of excitement in the air at the anticipation of something marvelous to come and I couldn’t wait. I tried to sip my wine as best as I could, but I nearly chugged it down when we heard the curtain call. Not exactly lady like, but at least I didn’t scratch my ass and smell my finger.

The show really was spectacular. I only wish two things could have been present. More of Danny Elfman’s music and a little singing would have been nice. Alas, I’m not so cultured that I could enjoy a dance musical to the fullest extent possible without getting even the littlest bit sleepy. You could only imagine Rigid. He was just about crawling out of his skin before the first intermission. Not to say that we didn’t enjoy it. I enjoyed it a lot and I’d watch it all over again if I had another $150 to throw away, but what can I say? For some reason I had the idea that the musical was going to be performed over Danny Elfman’s score. The only song that we heard was Edward Scissorhands, the rest of the music was composed and arranged by Terry Davis. He was good, but failed to capture the eerie quality that Danny Elfman’s music is lends to Tim Burton’s movies leaving Bourne’s musical a bit lackluster in that aspect. I simply expected something a little darker than Bernstein & Gershwin style American Jazz throughout the entire musical score. That just made it too happy. Still the choreography was great and so were the dancers and really Davis’ music blended well with what Matthew Bourne had in mind for the musical. After all, the town was supposed to be filled with happy little Burbs right?

I can’t remember his name, but the guy that played Edward Scissorhands was fantastic! By the second intermission I knew I’d be in tears soon and sure enough I was bawling in my seat at the end. He received a standing ovation and I have no idea how long it lasted because after the fourth ovation they all came out in party hats and streamers in celebration of the New Year. We remembered that we’d better leave as we wouldn’t have much time to spend with Pumpo and Kat before the new year. We fought the crowds, there were no crowds because they were still clapping, and made our way out of the parking structure. We weren’t even halfway to the freeway when I get a phone call. I see that it’s Pumpo and I figure he might need something more, perhaps cigarettes, from the store. Instead he called to cancel once again because Kat drank too much alcohol, got a migrane, took two asprin and when that didn’t work took two more. She then proceeded to throw everything up and got what we love to call “the mad shits”. Well one can’t blame one for canceling two hours before the New Years Eve countdown for getting the mad shits now can we?

So I said, “Wow…well…okay…Happy New Year then.” And we hung up. I turned to Rigid and said, “You’re not going to fucking believe this…”

We were incredulous, but at the same time we know our friend. And when she doesn’t feel well, the party is OVER. Forget about the fact that Pumpo might still want to hang out with his friends or might still be able to have fun with his friends. NOPE. So I quickly told Rigid to turn the car the fuck around and lets find a bar…no in fact, “FUCK this, I’m calling my sister. This is bullshit!”

I dialed her numbers but couldn’t get a hold of her. I knew she’d still be home because it was only 10pm so I tried her husband.

B-Inlaw: Hi Mich! What’s up?
Maha: Dude, your not going to fucking belieeeeeve what just happened to us?
B-Inlaw: Holy shit what?
Maha: Pumpo and Kat just fucking dumped us…. On New Years Eve!!!….. AGAIN!
B-Inlaw: Aw, fuck. That sucks…well, my friend owns a couple of clubs around the city and he’s having a party for a few of his close friends. I’m just about at your sister’s house. Were heading down there if you want to go.
Maha: Okay, should I meet you at my sister’s or do you want to tell me how to get there?

We ended up meeting at his house. I don’t know how, but it was like it was meant to be. We didn’t have to wait and neither did they because we got to his house at EXACTLY the same time. After that it was just a few minutes to his friends house. The neighborhood wasn’t exactly what I’d expect from someone who supposedly owns a couple of clubs around the city, but the house was fairly large and just behind the house down a long driveway was a large white tent. As we entered the tent you saw a big neon sign directly in front of you that said ‘Zen Productions’ and on the ceiling a giant screen projected directly on the tent. The music videos on the screen were really good and lent to the fun atmosphere. To my left and way in the back was the bar and DJ. The bar was completely stocked full of all kinds of drinks. I think everyone brought something and the people they had back there knew exactly what to do so everyone had a nice mixed drink in their hands. My sister is insane though. She ordered one round of drinks for us after we gave them our bottles of alcohol and then she ordered me to grab another round.

I said, “Gloria, I haven’t even sipped my first drink!” and she replied, “Shut up bitch, I KNOW what I’m doing! Listen to your little sister okay? Your little sister knows how to par-tayy.” This sounded very wise to me so I did exactly as I was told. By the time we were finished with our second drink the party really got started. Her gay friend Julian showed up and we were all thrilled to see him. I never saw the bar again because Julian and my sister kept bringing me drinks. I usually just stick to Jack and Coke, but I have no idea what the hell I was drinking. We had so much fun dancing (I think Rigid ate a turkey leg…I have pictures.) and drinking that we didn’t even realize what was going on when people started counting. We were still dancing when suddenly everyone shouted HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! We all just looked at each other and started shouting like maniacs. I broke out with my camera to capture the moment. I tried to do a video, but it was so dark all you could hear was the screams. It sounded like something out of a horror movie when I played it back…something from SAW. I switched over to photo mode and proceeded to take dozens of pictures of all of us in the moment.

We had such a blast. After that time pretty much stood still for me. I made a few friends and even met the host of the party. He was passing out Jagermeister shots to his close friends. Apparently he and Isaac are close because we all got shots. This guy was hanging on to me telling me why Jagermeister was so cool and I was like, “Dude…I’m fucking drunk as hell.” I slurred out, “But this shit ShhTILL tastes like fucking…SHIT. It’s like…FucKing Kough thyrup dude!….Give me sssomemore.” And I handed out my cup to him. It was hilarious. The next thing I know Julian handed me and a bunch of people Tequila shots. Where the hell he found tequila or the hands to carry it all in I will never know, but there I was sipping on tequila. Here, I’ll repeat this for effect. SIPPING ON TEQUILA!!! Fucking gross! I must have been out of my mind drunk…yeah…out of my MIND drunk!!! After this the rest of the evening is pretty much a blur.

In fact…wait, I think Rigid exposed himself to someone! Oh My God! He did! I was talking to my really good friend Lisa, who I JUST met. I swear I had JUST walked up to her. She found Rigid’s accent funny and decided to talk about his, “tallywacker” in a funny British accent. She was mocking him, but in a silly way. Unfortunately she asked him the size of his “tallywacker” and Rigid being the proud manly man said, “Like a baby’s arm holding an apple baby.” as per usual. Well, far be it for anyone to ask him to prove it because he will…and he did. I squealed, “NOOOO!” and tried to cover him with my body, but he pushed me aside with ease while he yanked out his flaccid penis for all to see. When Lisa caught a load of it she just looked at me and in that same mockingly British tone of voice said, “Well, I can see why you’re with him. He’s got a giant penis!” and we all roared with laughter as I turned BEET red!

Eventually the party ended and we went to my sister’s house. How we got there I will never know, not because Rigid was drunk. He had stopped drinking hours before we left, but because I was so drunk I could barely see straight. I have no idea HOW I got up all those stairs and I have no idea why people were already there before I was. Before you knew it we were sipping on the Moet we intended on taking to Pumpo’s house and then I was walking down the stairs and Rigid was dropping some guy off at his house up in the hills. Sometime later we ended up somewhere in Compton because Rigid swears I was giving him directions. He’s got to be out of his mind. I could barely see his face straight let alone know what was up from down. We made it home and into bed, but how I got there only Rigid knows. In the morning I woke up with a sore hip and leg as though I’d bashed into something. I had no recollection of falling or bashing myself into anything, but Rigid said I fell into my car when I got out of his. The next thing you know he’s telling me how angry he was that I got him lost because he was in a hurry to get home.

Maha: Why were you in such a hurry to get home Hooha?
Rigid: Because!!!! I wanted to give you anal pleasures.
Maha: Anal pleasures!! Are you out of your FUCKing GODdamned MIND??? It’s no fucking pleasure for me you DICK!
Rigid: Yeah, but after you got me so lost you should have let me give you anal pleasures.
Maha: I’ll give you your anal pleasures motherfucker! Come here CABRON!!!!

Suffice it to say that no one had anal pleasures, that day or the day after. In fact no one is having anal pleasures EVER. Retard. He was going to take advantage of me. In fact, epiphone, he was letting people get me drunk just so he could! But see…I’m wise. Doesn’t matter how drunk you get me, my ass is mine bitch and you can’t have it!!!

So in the end, no pun intended, because Kat got sick and Pumpo had to cancel we had the best time of our lives (of my life with Rigid that is). We only wished that Pumpo and Kat could have joined us. We all kept saying it all night long…even my sister and brother in law. It was the best party we’d ever had and despite the fact that I was sore about Pumpo canceling I knew there was nothing that he could do and I knew that if he had to do it over again he wouldn’t have let it happen the way it did. Maybe one day he and his girlfriend will actually join us for one of these parties and we can all have a great time together instead of sitting at home watching that decrepit old man do the countdown in New York and watching March of the Penguins afterwards like we did last year.

Eitherway I know Pumpo & Kat love us and they know we love them.

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