Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Absent Brain Syndrome

I've gotten so used to pretending that I don't have a problem that sometimes I forget I do. Not only that, but I've learned to mask a lot of things. For example, someone might tell me something 2hrs from now. Something I should easily be able to remember. As soon as someone else comes to my desk and tells me something else, everything goes out the window. Sometimes I write things down and sometimes I don't. I ALWAYS try to write things down or get an email from someone. Still, I get so tired of doing it. I just wish I could remember.

When I get asked the status of said thing or where so and so is or why such and such person didn't come in today I have no answer. It's always, "Oh, I don't know..." in most bewildered tone,"they didn't tell me." Usually people buy into it, but the other day a broker happened to walk by and asked where Eber was and if he would be in the office today. I hate those questions. Do I look like his assistant? Is my name Manto? NO. Am I really annoyed that he's asking me that? *sigh* Not really, but I'm so used to reacting that way that I probably had a strange look on my face because the next thing he said to me was, "You don't know or you don't care?" It wasn't said in that regular way that you would expect either, it's difficult to explain. It was said in a very moderate tone of voice, it wasn't a harsh statement at all. It was as if it was just something that slid out of his mouth. Like he was asking me if it was raining out today.

That statement has stuck with me for days. Two days ago another Broker came by to ask me about the MadScientist and where he'd been the last few days. He even came and asked me if he was in South Africa. He literally STOOD here, RIGHT HERE in front of my desk and told me exactly where he would be, how long he would be gone and what day he would be back. Why didn't he just send me an email? I listened with every fiber of my being and for some stupid reason I didn't write it down like I normally do. I must have been busy or distracted.

Usually I'm stuck on whatever Rumi is rattling off to his clients in his office. He's within earshot and he's constantly on the phone. He pays a huge part of my bonuses and parking expenses so if he needs me I'm there. This is not good for me see, because whenever someone comes to talk to me all I can hear is Eber and Rumi. They're among the top 100 brokers across the nation and well, it gets a little difficult to ignore them sometimes. Especially if Manto is away from her desk. That's when I have the worst time.

Not that my job is hard, it's my attention span that's the problem obviously. When you ask me for a task I can do it. I'll either do it on the spot or add it to the pile of to-do for the day. Eitherway, it gets done in a timely fashion. Not an easy thing for a Bi-Polar, but I've learned to cope and try my best never to ignore my work no matter how boring or mundane. In fact the more boring and mundane the faster it'll get done...usually. It does get difficult at times. Mostly when I'm sad. Sometimes it doesn't matter, sad, happy, hypo-manic...doesn't matter because I'll do everything else EXCEPT my work leaving everything to the last minute. I'm good though, no one notices a thing. Or so I think, which ends up making me a little paranoid sometimes. Yet another symptom of Bi-Polar disorder...or is it ADD...or is it something else? Maybe I am the idiot I believe everyone thinks I am.

At work, no one other than a couple of close friends know I have a problem or that I take medication. At work I wouldn't even really consider it a problem if it weren't for that lack of attention. Still, I'm always able to take steps to prevent that absentmindedness that I feel plagued by. I KNOW they make medication for this problem. But the last time my DrugPusher tried to take care of it I ended up bashing my head up against the wall. Literally. I don't want to do that again. I'd rather keep taking my notes, doing my emails and using all of my calendars. Outlook, Google Calendar, Cell phone Calendar and the Calender and Datebook I carry with me daily. With all the shit I do you'd think I could remember people's birthdays. I couldn't even remember if my niece's birthday was next week or not.

Fuck me, when will it ever stop?

(It was a rhetorical question. The answer to that is no. It never goes away. You either learn to manage (cope) or you learn to mask it either way your fucked.)

1 comment:

ridgidraider said...

i didn't know the mad scientist had gone on vacation.
p.s i'd of called him the mad professor