Saturday, March 3, 2007

Going Back On The Shiz

I haven't been feeling well the last few days. Concentration has been shit. It's actually been as bad as when I first started this whole medication thing in the first place. I honestly don't know why. Well, I do, but ... who cares.

Saw my Drug Pusher today, Dr. Zen. I love him to death. Perhaps my bond with him has something to do with the fact that I almost feel cured of my disorder. I know it's bullshit, but hey, a girl can dream can't she? Well, he decided to put me back on the Adderal. I'm scared and nervous about that, but he and I are both hoping that it will help my level of concentration and last time, we didn't try the Adderal/Depakote mix.

I'm only on a very low dosage and hopefully it's only just to get me through this last hurdle with my exam preparation. It does make me feel like a cheater though. If I actually passed while I was on this medication wouldn't that make me a cheater? Like those steroid pumped muscle men in competition with one another. Or those Olympics competitors....You get kicked out for being on medication don't you?

I know that Dr. Prescribed medication is different, but it doesn't make me feel any less of a cheat. I told him that I didn't want to just pass by the skin of my teeth. That I wanted a good score so I could feel like at least I got something out of this even though it's been dragged out so long.

I told him about a broker who recently said to me that the best brokers are the ones that pass by the skin of their teeth so not to worry about it. Said that those brokers that pass with higher marks, they don't make good brokers. The good brokers are the ones who just barely pass...those are the ones that work the hardest.

My Pusher agreed and said, "What do you think about me? Am I a good Dr.? Do you think I'm good enough?" I was startled by his question. Of course I think he's a good Dr. In fact, I think he's an excellent Dr. He's helped me so much and listened to me when I didn't think that something would be good for me. I've taken his advise and he's taken mine, yes, I think he's an extraordinary Dr. He told me he just barely passed his exam with a score of 74%. It's astounding that someone you have so much confidence in and believe to be very wise was once in the same predicament you currently find yourself in.

So he suggested putting me back on the Adderal. To be honest it's not only for passing the exam either. I simply can't concentrate on anything anyone tells me. But well, I wrote about that already didn't I. I'm getting tired of saying, "Huh?", "Wait, what did you say?", or my favorite, "Oh, I don't know he/she didn't tell me." When I know perfectly well he/she did.

Still, after todays medicinal expense, I don't honestly know how long I'll stay on it. $70 fucking dollars for all these drugs....There goes Dance Dance Revolution Universe. I am truly weeping on the inside. I was so looking forward to working out with it when I got home. On this Adderal you couldn't have peeled me off that mat!

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