Friday, April 27, 2007

When The World Falls Down

it was one of my favorite david bowie songs... i probably have the title wrong, ...or part of the lyrics that is, but i din't fucking care right now. if i'm typing funny it's because i'm not feeling quite well and my eyes are nothing but slits. not just because i'm shit tired but because i've been crying my ass off for the past 1.

you see my friends, i've been working really hard to take an exam in order to advance the fucking JOKE that is a career of mine and now TODAY i've only just found out that i scheduled it in Frisco. San Franfuckingcisco. Yeah....hello?  i live in los angeles and for some reason got a tinsy bit confused. so after the freak out we decided to take the trip up there. we've been meaning to do it anyway so why the fuck not.

the only problem is that i didn't want to have to drive 6 hrs to a testing center only to have to get rejected for some reason, be late or get a nice bit fact YOU FUCKING FAILED BITCH, GET THE FUCK OUT. wow...but at least i can have fish and chips at fishermans wharf. i get to look at the giant fat cow seals out there and....chinatown. yum. that's something to look forward to.

the past few days i've been concentrating on my nephew again. i know that i should have shut everything out and just concentrated on my studies and work, but my sister needed my help. i let her know that i wouldn't be able to help her register or figure anything out, she was having an emotional breakdown, because of this was my last week before the exam, but that i'd be happy to pass along the word to my friends and co-workers for donations to the Walk Now! event taking place at the Rosebowl tomorrow...same day as my exam.

well, little did i know that the email i sent on wed this week would have snowballed the way it did. so many people rallied behind us in support. people that i didn't know were giving me anywhere from $5 to $1000 3 days we managed ( I managed to make over $1800.00 and with my sisters friends donations and pledges that figure has gone over $2000. we couldn't be happier. it's been an amazing few days.

i wasn't going to attend the event, but all the support we got from everyone was so unbelievable that i just HAD to go even if it was just to watch them go. i planned on taking lots of pictures and just...really capturing that moment for us you know.

it's difficult for people to understand the emotion behind this issue. it's like every time you hit another hump in the road your little world comes crashing down around you in this horrible emotional fury and all you want to do is not crumple into a little corner and scream WHY ME at the very top of your lungs...why did he have to be sick? but you know what? every time i start to feel that way i just tell myself that we'd be nothing without my sweet little nephew. absolutely nothing and that's why despite the fact that i'm taking the biggest and most life defining exam ever i was inspired to attend the event. it's his first time actually walking...and we raised so much money in only 3 days....3 DAYS!!! who woudln't be proud of me...

and now, because i stupidly scheduled my exam on the wrong day i'm going to miss his beautiful face as he walks with his parents and friends. and i just want to die. i'm filled with such utter sadness that i just want to crawl into bed and sleep for hours and hours. but i can't because i have to wake up at 6 am only to have to drive 6 hrs to get to frisco. by the time i get there i'll have an hour to rest and then it's off to take a 7 hr exam.

i have to tell you, i'm failing it. no i've not convinced myself of's my scores. yesterday was the first time i ever hit 70%. that's passing on a 125 q test. but i have to do two of those tomorrow and let's just say i'm not thrilled.

it's difficult not to cry even though i've already taken a clonopin to calm the shit down. the only thing it's done is make me sleepier because the tears won't stop coming down.

instead of coming home and studying right away i created a template for aric and  his team mates to wear on plain white tees. and to top it off we added a coupld of new names and ended up forgetting to print one for aric...

after i realized that the exam truly was in frisco my whole world just came crashing down around me. it took so much energy not to smash my computer screen to bits. and now i can't seem to stop typing. half the time i'm not even seeing what i'm writing. .... increadible.

i have to pack a bag now and try and get some sleep. i don't know how i'm going to do this but i don't care. maybe my sister and rigid are right... look at the silver lining kind of garbage. at least we get to eat fish and chips in frisco...i'm going to china town and possibly the japanese garden and wallow in my fucking mysery.

unfucking believeabl.

Online Donations to Aric's Walk can still be accepted at  Aric Oropeza 

sorry i didn't get to this sooner, but i think you've all figured out that i've been more than a little swamped. i miss you all  and i hope to speak to you reallly soon.


Mah  a

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