Friday, May 18, 2007

How Much Is Too Much Really

i'm not in the mood to write today. i don't give a shit that nothing is capitalized, in fact i may just give up on that entirely. to say that i'm pissed right now...well, we all know how that works don't we.

i've been off my medication (depakote) for over a month now. pretty much since rigid's mom went back to england. i've been feeling great too. i've been able to suppress the rage and fury that takes over my mind on ocassion and have been able to keep up some good study habits. things have been a little difficult of late, but i've managed and gotten through it.

i made up with my sister for instance. despite the fact that i was still upset. a family member fell i'll and i was forced to communicate with her. i can't stay angry at her long and the fact that we were upset with each other was really depressing. she's going back on her medication by the way. it was one of the first things she told me. it's her way of telling me she wasn't in control and didn't mean to hurt me.

now, i've been struggling with concentration again. and what sucks is that i just saw my drug pusher (p-sychiatrist) and i didn't ask to be upped. i'm afraid. and i don't like taking drugs. oh, i may claim i like to pop pills, but really...i hate it. the occasional ibuprofen is fine, but adderall is an amphetamine and as much as it helps with concentration it's no fun.

still, i take it because i can't leave it to whatever fucking deity is listening to grant me some fucking mercy and allow me to pass this exam. i always take control of my own life and so i have. every once in a while i'll go on a bit of a mind bender. hence the ring thing.  i love my husband. i really do. but right now, i really want to run his head over with a car...real slow.

you see, i asked him to get me a pack of cigarettes. since his mom left i started smoking again. we've been trying to have kids for almost 2 years now and i had given up, but i gave in again. i know it's nothing but an excuse, but when i'm sitting here staring at question after question it really helps me focus, especially when the adderall is fading.

anytime i ask rigid for something he gets it for me. it's never much of a bother for him. since he doesn't work much he keeps the house clean for us as well, it's taken a lot of hard work, but he actually does a good job when he feels like it. i've not had much to complain about lately and for that i've been so very grateful. i was finally starting to feel like i had a real relationship. a real working relationship, and we do don't get me wrong but there's something...just not right here.

what does it take for you to forget to take the gas pump out of your car before you leave for home? what does it take? high stress? a lot on your mind? WHAT? what the hell was on his fucking god damned mind when he put the pump in the car, cleaned the windshield, got in the car and ripped the fucking line out? he's going to have to go back tomorrow to speak to the owner so he can tell him how much it's going to cost to re-connect the thing. oh, i know he wouldn't be the first to make such a mistake. hell, i sometimes forget to put the cap back on, but fucking hell. if those gas lines didn't detach he would have taken the whole thing off and there would have been a huge gas spill.

he was taking too long, but i figured he was off getting himself something to drink and eat for tonight. didn't occur to me that we've just gone grocery shopping. before he left to get my cigarettes he'd complained that i was smoking too much and i have to start thinking about quitting because we want to get pregnant blah blah blah. I KNOW i have to quit, but i can't say i want to right now. when he walked in from getting my smokes he handed them to me and said, "you'll want to smoke a cigarette please."

i thought, 'my god, he did it. he finally wrecked the car.'

i don't know what's worse really. at least if he wrecked the car i could have had it replaced or fixed. i'm fully covered, but this? a gas line, main or whatever the fuck you call those stupid fucking god damned hoses! how much will it cost ME to fucking fix this? because he has no money. no more. he made 100 last week and he still hasn't gotten paid. he's making less money now than when he was working like a wetback out in the street. i don't get it.

when he told me what he did i didn't react very much to my surprise. my level of control has truly amazed me. still, you can't hold on to angry feelings so i write. i write about my husband in this way quite a lot in fact. i've written about the time we went to mexico and he wrecked my echo. the time he nearly killed us while i was teaching him how to drive,...the many times actually. i was a nervous wreck for almost 3 years. i finally bought another car so he could use it, and it wasn't long before he fucked that up too. he's hit so many things in that car i stopped keeping track. he's even hit my fucking echo with it....IN THE FUCKING DRIVEWAY!

still, his driving has improved significantly. i don't ride in the passenger seat fearing for my life or his freedom. my greatest fear was that we'd get into a horrible accident and he'd be jailed and deported. i don't really fancy living england.

i can't tell you how much money we've spent fixing his mistakes and now this. i have no money. i have to pay my bills and rent and every single dime is accounted for. he said he's sorry. i know he's sorry. but i don't know anyone on this earth that is as accident prone, numb headed or scatterbrained as he is and i still wonder if it's because he was trucked over when he was 10. he's taken severe blows to the head and i wonder if my husband is all there sometimes. he's seems normal enough so i don't really understand. aside from some impulsivity problems, anger issues and bullheadedness he's normal. he's got an above average intelligence but it's things like this that gives me a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. i've attributed a lot of his bad behavior to his upbringing and the army but this just isn't normal. it CAN'T be normal.

right now, the only thing i'm wondering is how long... how long and how much more can i take?

i'm rather proud of myself though. i didn't call him any names, i didn't even throw my glass at his head. i barely even looked at him. this is good my friends. very good. much better that i ignore you than try to put my fist through your face, throw an alarm clock at your previously broken ribs (not by me), or attempt to put your eye out with a heavy piece of tile. yes....this is good. this is good indeed....i wonder how long it'll last?

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