Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Mangled Brains Sputter

ALRIGHT fuck me! So I yanked my head out of my ass and I'm all better now. Granted, I think I may have a cancerous mole, there's still wax in my ears, my tits are popping out of my stupid blouse despite all efforts (bent paperclips and all) to cover myself, my tattoo is showing because it's a short sleeve and I was too sleepy to notice when I put it on and I was stuck in traffic for over half a fucking hour because of a non-existent detour!!!!! Where's my coffee??? Aahhh, there it is. Yeah baby, sweet nectar.

Yesterday, I had this sudden urge to bitch about my ring. I still think he's not telling the truth, but he's never really changed his story. I, on the other hand, have changed his story about half a dozen times. I like it the way I tell it better. Most of it is true, except for a few....embellishments. Take this for example (sorry Pho, you probably already heard it):

He never went shopping at an open air market, well, he did, but that's not where he bought the ring. He was in fact on duty at the time and also happened to be standing next to the ring vendor. Rigid was the one who struck up a conversation with him. The man stood there and told him all about himself and his family. He thought he was a nice man so he decided to buy a ring from him. After the vendor told him the stones in the ring were mined right there in Afghanistan he figured they could actually be worth a little something so what the heck. He still claims that the man asked if he was buying it for a lady back home and that he replied that he was single....Yeah, right! I KNOW he bought it for his ex-girlfriend but he's never changed his story and no matter how many times I grill him or however many different approaches I take he sticks to the same story over and over.

All those hours I invested into Law and Order DOWN THE TUBES! Stupid fake TV cops. If only I could be more like Jack Bauer from 24. I could beat the truth out of him. Stick a long hot pokey pin in his knee caps and twist it around or a steady stream of water up his nostrils. He'd tell me the truth then. I should chop off his toes one by one...or hang him by the skin on his back....stretch all his limbs on an ancient pulley system and threaten to rip him to shreds, limb to limb even. Instead I must conform myself to tickling him half to death until he screams for mercy....that didn't work either.

FINE, there weren't that many people at the airport. I mean there were people pointing and staring, even smiling, but like three people clapped. Even if more people had clapped I wouldn't have noticed because my ears were ringing in my head so loud that I couldn't think straight. I didn't want to die either, I wanted to step on him. I always dreamed of that perfect proposal. You know, the ring in the champagne, the candlelit dinner, the pretty dress and well groomed mate. Perfect. No, instead I get to be all icky and sweaty from hauling HIS fucking bags that came on an earlier flight because he missed his. He's dressed in this ugly green shirt that's obviously two sizes too big, these HORRIBLE SHOES, yes, I notice the shoes and his hair hasn't been cut for months....and it's not pretty. I yanked him out of there after the nice big sloppy kiss he laid on me...AND he grabbed my ass on the way out. I'd shake my head right now if you could see it. I loved every minute of it too.

The tin can never travelled with him back and forth from Afghanistan to England. It had contained a gift he received after he'd gotten back. He did use it to hold his money and he did place the ring in it eventually, but it never travelled to Iraq apparently. I forgot that actually. He's told me a million times and I can never remember that part. Maybe it sounded more dramatic if it travelled with him around the world. The truth of the matter is that he COMPLETELY forgot he bought the ring at all and when he was packing he grabbed the tin and he heard something jingle inside. He quickly looked at it and thought, cool she'll like this. That was it. That's the part he changes himself, first it's my beautiful face, then it's destiny, and then it' WTF???

Everything else in my silly story is fairly accurate...Like he's a liar and he bought that ring for someone else! Damn him to all mighty hell!!!

I'm starting to get the sinking suspicion that there might be something wrong with me. I think I may be avoiding studying. I certainly don't feel like working today and I'm sleepy. This fucking coffee didn't help a sausage. I feel amped and sleepy at the same time. Fucking dreary weather...I'd be loving it if I were home.

I'm SO TIRED. Right, no more whining today! Gotta study. I'm trying to motivate myself damn it! I have to go to a class all next week in preparation for this exam and I'm freaking out. *gasp* Freaking.....
Poor mangled brain of mine.

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