Monday, June 11, 2007

Butterflies In My Stomach

I really don't know what the hell my problem is right now. Maybe it's because I skipped my Adderall yesterday. Maybe the Adderall doesn't do shit and I'm just fooling myself. I don't know, but today I feel as if my entire world is quickly coming to an end. ... Maybe it's the weather. I'm starting to see a pattern here.

My stomach hurts and I don't know why. I actually woke up this way. Fuck knows what I was dreaming about. I think I was in an Oblivion type world and I was stressing out trying to figure out how to get around and finish my tasks. I was stuck on something and I kept going around in circles asking people questions going absolutely no where and I was getting pissed. All along in the back of my mind I knew that instead of running around this town I should be sitting behind a desk studying for my next exam.

That's pretty much how my entire weekend went. I played Oblivion here and there, got ticked when I was stuck and felt guilty for not studying. Then I felt guilty for not playing with my friends and then I felt guilty for not cleaning my house, petting my cats, calling my mom, hanging out with my sister, going to an Aids fund raising event with a friend and...well, pretty much everything under the sun. Now my stomach feels so tight that I'm afraid the butterflies are going to tear ass right out of me much like the baby alien minster tore out of that guy in Aliens. I like minsters...they're purdy.

I was about 20 min late to work today. That didn't really add to the funny feeling in my tummy, but it didn't help. I get here around 6:30 am or 7:00 am every day. It's now 9:03 am and instead of working or studying I'm staring at my screen. Indecision...

Indecision has got to be one of my biggest problems. When I'm feeling like this that is because on any other given day it's not much of a problem. I know exactly what I need to do and how I want to do it. Whether I finish it or not is another problem entirely. One which I normally don't give a shit about either way. I think what's kicking me in the ass is that this exam is taking up so much of my time and energy and I've really tried to see it through to the end and here I am...nothing to show for it. It's just fucking pissing me off. Thing is that I don't care about what people think. I don't care about anything but the fact that I haven't passed and I don't know how the fuck I'm going to pass next time.

I'm fucking terrified that I'm going to take this piece of shit exam again and I'll fail again by 1%. Can you fucking imagine that? I mean, what if my score is even lower? I'm so sick of this. I don't even want to publish this post because I feel like all I ever do is whine about this exam. I hate this. I hate feeling this way, I hate this exam and most of all I fucking HATE this industry. Why couldn't I be happy as a customer service rep for some shitty as company that makes their money spamming people. That I can handle.

Finances on the other hand...not so good. How the hell could someone like me EVER give someone financial advice when they can't even keep any money in their own savings account??? I have GOT to be kidding myself.

I just want to run away from it all. Go to some foreign country and never come back. forget about everything and everyone. Just me, my Xbox and my cat.

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