Tuesday, June 24, 2008

cockbite testwriting lawyer bastards

branching out
Originally uploaded by shapeshift

i woke up saturday morning with the same burning feeling i went to bed with in my stomach. 'there you are fucker.' i thought. i was tired, and a little sore. every time i stood up and sat back down i could feel pain in my ovaries and cervix. i know rigid is big, but can he really be that big? woh, talk about sidetracked.

i shrugged it off and decided that the only think i wanted to concentrate on was the exam. if only i had done that yesterday i wouldn't feel like shit today. why don't people understand that you need to be left alone when you say you're busy? why, when i've just gotten done letting you know i can't afford to go out to dinner would you feel the need to beg me to go because i "need a break" when i clearly don't want to?

i was in my shorts and a comfy shirt friday as soon as i got home. i sat down to study and rigid was going out to grab some out food and deposit a check. hollywood came by just at that moment to see if we wanted to go out to eat. i let him know i had neither the time nor the money to do that, but he insisted and offered to pay. i didn't want him to do that yet again so i politely declined. he wouldn't stop talking and rigid piped in yelling at me that he didn't want me to study today because i need to take the day off to relax before my exam.

who in the fuck do you think you are telling me what i need to do? why would anyone ever feel that they are important enough? that's how i felt at the time, even though i knew my husband was right. i needed a break. i haven't looked up from my notes to take a breath in a week. it was my fault... i didn't get much done the previous week because i was too busy fucking off on call of duty.

either way i didn't have the cash. well, i have the cash it's just that i need to hang on to as much as possible for food and gas. rigid has no more work coming in and i'm going to be screwed the rest of the month. they wouldn't stop so i accepted his dinner invitation.

we had a lovely dinner and a lot of fun. the ribs i ordered were massive and i was only able to finish one and a half... which i forced the staff to throw in my doggie bag. yes, i had the waitress stuff a half masticated rib into my doggie bag...the ribs were that good. i was laughing my fucking ass off when i did that, but i really didn't care.

i don't like playing the bullshit "oh, you don't need to see the bill" at the end of dinner game. first of all, the second i get the inkling that you're taking a wee bit too long to pay for the bill it's going to make me uncomfortable. i don't see the need to wait around to pay for a bill for 30 minutes, which is what it felt like to me. especially after he kept staring at it, opening the bill, closing it, opening it and closing it. as we talked he did this over and over again. what the fuck is there to look at?

finally i asked him what the total was and he wouldn't say. that irritates me. it's not a big deal, but if you say you're going to pay for dinner then wonderful. it's very appreciated even though we can't reciprocate at the moment and they know exactly why. but when you're sitting there chatting away and staring at the bill here and there you're going to give people the idea that maybe you don't want to pay for it. maybe you feel that we should at least pay the tax, the tip or half.

so after sitting there a while wondering why the bill wasn't being paid for i asked how much. he wouldn't say so i told rigid to at least give him some money for the tip. he yanked out a $20 which i thought was too much, but i think even rigid picked up on how it made me feel because he started throwing out numbers. then we played the number game which i fucking hate even more than the "oh, you don't need to see the bill" game.

"150!" said rigid

"no, lower."

"145.95!" he guessed.

"nooooo, lower." hollywood giggled.

"what the fuck? 110!"

"nooooo higher...." he said while in my mind i'm screaming WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???? JUST FUCKING TELL US SO WE CAN PAY.

"$127 mother fucker!" rigid was really getting into the guessing game. he loves games and he loves to win.

"nooooo, almost there. you're close though." he said and even his girlfriend was getting into it. it was silly and all in good fun. i know there was nothing mean spirited about it at all because i know my friends. they're good people and would never in a million years feel that what they did was rub the fact that i have no money in my face. still, i couldn't help feel a little put off so i finally said, "will you cut that the fuck out and just tell us? to rigid and hollywood i said, "what are you guys retarded or something?" and everyone laughed. i think rigid finally guessed closer to the number around the same time hollywood decided to just tell me what the bill was.

as soon as i heard how much i turned and told rigid to give him half. i wasn't about to let someone pay a bill that big again for no reason at all. when i saw rigid pull out $60 i gulped. $60 and $20, god $80 on dinner; one dinner, that was my grocery money. i think i left a log on the seat. pride is a very interesting thing isn't it? i wasn't worried that they couldn't pay, and i know what my friend is like. he didn't dillydally around on purpose or with the intention of guilting me into paying. he's just... slow. he takes his time for everything and talks forever even when it's clear that you have other things to do, but we love talking and when we all get together we talk and talk for hours.

pride has a funny way of always getting in the way doesn't it? well, i walked out of that restaurant feeling like an asshole for not letting my friends pay for dinner when they offered and wanting to pass out because i know that if i keep spending that way we'll be eating tuna sandwiches by the end of the month.

i studied for a little while when i got home, but then they invited us over for a movie and we brought over the bottle of whiskey hollywood got us the week before. it was a little expensive and i really don't understand why he does it either. he's out of work. still i had to put my notes down at some point. there was nothing more that i could possibly learn at this point. i gulped down a couple of drinks which either impressed them or made them think i was an alcoholic. either way i was good.

by the time the movie was over it was 12:30 pm. rigid and i didn't go to bed right away either. well, we went to bed, but not to sleep. all of these things didn't make me feel very good the next day before my exam so i did something i haven't done in a very long time.

i threw on some flip flops, a black disney baby-t (thumper is so cute!), a burgundy printed wrap, threw my hair in a bun and put a gigantic headband to cover most of my unkempt hair. i probably looked like a dick, but we left.

to be honest i don't know who was more nervous me or the dude slamming on the brakes every 5 minutes and driving like a blind man all the way up there. i call him rigid. sometimes i call him a jerk, but that's a whole different story. we ate on the way up there, i stared at a few notes, but really what was i going to get out of it? so instead we chatted and i threw on a little face paint.

when i got there i sucked on a couple of ciggy's while we chatted some more. i took my time getting into the office, but i eventually made my way in there. it was funny because i couldn't hear the girls when they asked me questions, i couldn't find the right locker or follow instructions very well. i was nervous as hell and refusing to acknowledge it. when i sat down in front of the computer i took a deep breath, felt the pounding in my chest and ignored the fuck out of it.

the first half of the exam was a breeze and i had plenty of time. 50 q's done on a 110 q exam and 100 min left. no worries. all of a sudden i choked. the exams questions started to get stupid. no hard, STUPID. it was a lot of nonsense. stupid ass "trip you up so you fail" tactics that were nothing but distracting and time consuming. for someone with attention deficit, whether mild or extreme, to get through a test like that on the first try is an inspirational feat indeed and i already had the disturbing feeling that it wouldn't be me.

someone sped the time up on me because all of a sudden i had 60 questions left and 45 minutes on the clock. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??? did i miscalculate the time? did i really spend that long on the last 20 questions? where did i go wrong?

this could have something to do with it. a typical question on my exam quizzes:

"A broker-dealer which was formed five years ago has offices in nine states to date. Sandra is an agent with the broker-dealer and is registered at the moment in five of these states. One of Sandra's clients informs her that he is being relocated by his company, and will move to a state where she is not registered, although her firm has an office in that location. In order for Sandra to continue to work with her client after he has moved"

had suddenly turned into this:

"Ripsyou Offbigtime & Co., a broker dealer, which was formed five years ago has offices in nine states to date. Sandra an agent is employed by the broker dealer, Ripsyou Offbigtime & Co, and is registered at this current time in five of these states. Mr. Magoo, one of Sandra's high net net worth clients informs her that he is being relocated by his company and will move to a state where she is not registered. Ripsyou Offbigtime & Co has an office in Mr. Magoo's state, although not in the city where he will reside. Under the Securities and Exchange Act of 1933/ Uniform Securities Act of 19fuckingsomething/ Investment Advisors Act of 1940/ and throw in another act of your choice here in order to continue to work with her client, Mr fuckingMagoo, after he has moved Sandra could do all of the following except:"

of course, all those acts would have to apply to the question as well (this questions doesn't, kind of pulled it out of my ass much like those bastards that wrote the questions on my exam), so i had to make sure i was giving an answer that applied to all the acts or laws being referenced. before you knew it i had 30 minutes left on the clock and 47 question to answer still! i could also have sworn that my anus started leaking from the fucking straining i was doing to keep myself from whining or crawling under my desk to cry and rock myself to sleep. that was all i could think about. there was nothing i could do. no amount of adderall was going to help me concentrate anymore than i could. no drug could ever put something in my brain that wasn't already there or help me read anything any faster than i already could.

i was royally FUCKED. FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED but somehow i pushed aside the thoughts of failure that swam around in my head making me feel nauseous and like my head was going to explode. my chest tightened and i felt my heart make this funny jumpy throb that i could feel just below my larynx. does the thyroid gland get all throbby? it felt like my heart was in my throat, but i just kept going like nothing. like i had plenty of time only just a little bit less time that i'd like.

15 minutes left on the clock and 35 questions left. i was going to fail. i was going to fucking fail an exam that i studied for months to prepare for. way longer than i should have because i wanted to be as prepared as possible. i was fucked. FUCKED! i was overtaken by the strangest feeling that made me want to have among one of the most classic hissy fits you've not seen since you last laid eyes on a 6 year old at a grocery store. oh yes. i wanted to fucking throw myself down on the floor kicking and screaming "FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKERS LET ME PASS!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! PLEASE MOMMY!!! I WANNIT MOMMY. I WANNIT!!!!!"

instead i sort of half bounced half jiggled in my seat then immediately stopped after having caught myself. there were tears in my eyes and i had to wipe them back before they fell. i was torturing myself. 10 minutes left 16 questions to go. i thought i had been speed reading before. i know that at some point i stopped fully reading the question. i was skipping over all the acts it was spelling out, jumping right past the filler and going straight for the key words. investment adviser, ia representative, broker dealer, agent, '33 act, '40 act, us act & except, true, false...that sort of thing.

by the time the clock said i had 10 minutes left and 16 questions to go it thought, 'fuck it, i have nothing...absolutely nothing left to lose. i may as well just answer all the questions.' i skimmed through the questions, read the answers, identified them as true or false, looked for the except, true, not true etc. in the question, who it applied to and clicked an answer.

i finished it with 3 minutes left on the clock.

i didn't hesitate. i didn't hesitate for one millisecond, i just clicked on the "finished" button and exited to get my results. i was fully prepared to fail. it was almost like i'd given up.

i waited for what seemed like an eternity for my score and when i saw it i nearly stood up and walked out. i stared and stared, but that wasn't my score. i was afraid to look at the sentence just before and i was afraid to look at anything else on the page just in case. but i dared to move my eyes slightly to the left and there it was. the words you passed next to my score. tears rolled down my face yet i continued to look for the number that said i failed. i couldn't find it. i tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, but they just kept coming.

after i composed myself i completed a survey and left. i held it together for a while longer while i signed out and rigid helped me with my things as i got some water. i was still shaking. when i walked out the door i stopped and held my hand to my mouth. yeah, too dramatic, but i could feel myself turning red and the heat building up in my face and i got dizzy. i think i got myself too worked up and i was afraid of falling so i just stood there. i wasn't worried about the people inside. i'm sure they're seen it all. i've the heard stories. burning tears dripped over my fingers and i was surprised to find they were hotter than it was outside.

rigid helped me to the car and gave me time to smoke another cigarette. listened to me bitch about the exam and how horrible it was. that it made me wish i was taking the series 7 all over again it was that horrible. keep in mind the 7 is an exam i failed twice before.

i was angry that i passed with such a low score. i know a 76% isn't something to sneeze at, but i expected over 80%. that's how hard i studied for it. i was getting 90% and above on my practice quizzes and i got a 76%. rig of course gave me an earfull as pretty much everyone else has. that i should be happy, that i worked hard for it, that i deserve it and should just enjoy it... blah blah fuckety blah.

OKAY fine...i'm fucking happy okay? happy fucking happy. jippy jippy jappy. i just would have appreciated a slightly higher score. i suppose i just wasn't prepared for the questions. i was prepared for difficult and wordy questions yes, but i was prepared for more intelligently written questions. more "lawyer like"and less like some ass muncher with a fancy pencil wrote them because he think he's so fucking smart. see they wrote the questions knowing they would need to dumb down the questions so dicks like me can read them, but then freak us out with a wordy-ness we didn't prepare for in the practice tests. a type of wordiness that wasn't introduced to save time thus did not allow you to get so used to it you automatically skim when you come across those words in the practice quizzes futhermore and hereto zippity dodah fucking-A making the actual exam a million times easier.

the practice quizzes prepare you, if you study them hard enough, but nothing prepares you for a wordiness you never encountered before. a stupid wordiness and a very unnecessary one at that.

it was fucking brutal and i was an idiot because i let it get under my skin and that's why i got a low score.

fucking assholes.


well i passed and it looks like i'm branching out mother fuckers. commodities exam (series 3) here i mother fucking come. here i mother fucking COME! FUCK!

i'm starting to feel like i have bloggourettes, kind of like tourettes only more quiet....

No comments: