i can haz no sleepies timez?

Today I finished my work early. I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. I’ve been so tired lately and I really don’t know why. Well, I do, and I’ve been pushing myself quite a lot (not necessarily in the right direction), but no reason to be as tired as I’ve been as far as I’m concerned. There’s so much going on all the time that I never have the time to write anymore. I haven’t even gamed much either. It feels as though Rigid and I are in a bit of a gaming slump. That my dear friends is no joy. No joy at all.

Rigid and I just couldn’t get to sleep last night no matter what we tried. It might have been my fault. My back and legs were hurting and my ear was thumping in my head. I couldn’t get Ricky Ricardo’s face out of my mind and I could just see him pounding away on my eardrum. I guess that’s what I get for drinking the night before with my sister on Mother’s Day. No, we didn’t get drunk and it wasn’t the drinking either. Things just seem to stick in my brain when I visit my family. They’re funny like that.

So, again, to reiterate once more and again and again….I’ve had no sleep and I feel like I’m about to fall out of my chair so I’m keeping myself busy to stay awake. As soon as I got to work I just plugged away, problem is I finished everything in one hour. What to do for the next 7? Solve the mini-Rubik’s Cube I swiped from my co-workers desk. Not to worry, it’s germ free. I doused it with alcohol laden clean wipes. I’m not a germ-a-phobe but why take a chance?

I remember the days when I could solve these puzzles in under 2 min. I solved my cube so much and so many times I would break them constantly. Now, I can’t remember how to do it at all. This lead me to a hunt. I love Google, but I can’t find a good instruction guide. I’ll figure it out later. Right now I’m just writing to keep myself from falling asleep so you can imagine the garbage I’m spewing out here.

My search brought me to Reality Pause where I left goofy comment I on a post about someone’s son, daughter, school and forgetfulness:

“That is absolutely hysterical. Okay, not really, but definitely funny. Brought back memories of the time I got lost on a school bus. Yes, an actual school bus I wasn't supposed to be on. My mom told me never to get on the school bus because she would pick me up. We were only around the corner from the school so she just walked. Even told me how to get home on foot (while walking me home of course.), but when my little friend beckoned me onto her school bus I simply followed.

I had the feeling I was forgetting something. Keep in mind, I knew how to take the bus, mommy planned for everything see. Unfortunately and to everyone’s misfortune I forgot where I was supposed to get off and walked for what felt like hours. Suddenly a car full of screaming women pulled up next to me in a white car. Just like that. I was in my mothers arm in a flash and tears were flying everywhere. My teacher drove that car. Poor thing looked a mess as she drove away as we were all cried hysterically.

Boy was my mom upset! After the terror wore off, she yelled at me all the way around the corner trying to show me how close I was to home. I was basically going in circles trying to find my street, but I KNEW I knew where I was going. Just a little sidetracked is all. :) Boy, what a great memory that was. And here all I jumped on for was the Rubik’s Cube puzzle. Thanks Perry and Fam!”

I already regret leaving such a long post. In fact, I think my comment was longer than his post, but that’s nothing new for me either. Think I’ll just get some fresh air. I’m already feeling my pillow on my face. If I could just take a nap I’ll be fine. Great, that’s all I need. I’ll just convince myself that all I need is a nap, run to my car, shut my eyes and not open them until 6pm. I’ve heard of people doing things like that you know. I would be mortified. I’d also be quite fired.

“I SLEEP NOW!” Skeleton from The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera

When A Woman Cries She Feels Alone

Death

Originally uploaded by TheMeConspiracy

How difficult it is for a man to remember that when a woman cries she feels alone? 

It's clear to me now that after 4 years it's a very difficult thing to remember and it's something that for all eternity will never end, not for any woman on earth. I sit here feeling shallow, hollow and empty in the aftermath. I sit here alone... I sit here as alone as I felt when he knelt next to me trying to fix the problem rather than trying to provide me with much needed comfort.

It has happened before, it will inevitably happen again.

I tried as hard as I could to remain calm, but the tears continued to flow. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried I could not stop the torrent. Had it been over something that he could understand his role would have been clear, but it was truly over nothing. Nothing in his eyes because my pictures mean everything to me and I thought I lost them. I thought I lost them all.

The 7000+ pictures were not lost but the fact that I would need to pay in order to view years worth of pictures I entrusted to my  photography site enraged me to the point of hysteria. I could not speak or utter a single word. All I could do was cry. He came to my side immediately and tried to be as comforting as he knew how, he has certainly learned a thing or two and was sure he could quickly contain the situation. Unfortunately for the pair of us he misinterpreted my emotions upon realizing what was upsetting me. I think there was no possible way to wrap his brain around it. It made no sense to him. Why get so upset when the answer was so clear? Just pay to view the pictures that they clearly did not delete. What is so hard about that? Why cry?

He tried to pay the fee, but I only cried more. He tried to get me to understand that it was simple but I shook and sobbed. He asked me over and over again why I was crying letting me know that it was silly to get so upset; that I need to learn to pay attention better when I read because if I had I wouldn't have gotten this distressed. I wanted to slap him though I understood why he was reacting this way. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain was a voice telling me he meant well, that he wasn't being insensitive and that I'm blowing this out of proportion. Meaning, I've just been thrown into an anxiety attack by a situation that is completely out of my control; one that with a little effort could very easily have been handled with a little thought and self control. Still, there was nothing I could do being that my emotions simply got the better of me and were too far out of my grasp at that point to do anything but misdirect my anger at my husband.

Afterall, he was the source of my aggrivation at the moment. His lack of understanding was what distressed me, not my lack of access to my photographs. Displacement. It takes skill the likes of a Grand Master of the Jedi Order to make someone believe that their displaced anger is justified, reasonable and completely your fault. I have this skill and I aborr it. In order to avoid it I immediately cling to him, something I wish I didn't have to do. I tell him tell him to hold me, comfort me, put his arm around me anything but tell me I'm overreacting, but it doesn't come out as a request. Instead it's a demand, no more like a command and this never bodes well for either of us. I don't mean to do it. I wish I could stop, I wish I could control it I just can't. I can't. And I try, I try so hard. I know I'm wrong, I know my reaction to this situation is simply emotional and uncontrolled. The answer to me is very clear, but it eludes my husband like a white fox on a snow covered hill.

Instead of hearing what I'm begging for he hears what I'm demanding. He hears the anger welling up in my voice and that uncontrolled rage. He runs for medication, but I refuse it. Why? Why should I drug myself to get over something that would take mere seconds in my mind to fix. Seconds! How many seconds does it take for a man to change the angered and frustrated look on his face to that of understanding and empathy? How many seconds would it take to wrap your arms around your wife and tell her everything would be alright? He knew I wasn't angry, I know he did, but he didn't know how to make me stop crying. All he wanted to do was make me stop. Why would he think he could make me stop?

I had him by the shoulder. In my delusional mind I imagined that he would understand what I needed if I just showed him, but I dug my fingers into him. I think in his delusional mind he understood so when he yanked me out of my chair and swung me around towards the couch perhaps he thought he was being gentle...

I clung to him and begged him not to treat me that way, not to talk to me that way, not to push me and he let go. Still clinging to him I then begged him to hold me so he did. I wish I could have stopped digging my fingers into his shoulders, but although I wasn't looking at his face he was determined to remain indifferent to my pain. He stood holding me loosly and looking away. I begged him to stop, I could feel the rage in me build and build. It felt like I was going to implode and suddenly it hit me. I felt rejected. He was doing it on purpose. He wanted to hurt me, he knew exactly what he was doing and that's what happens when you let your deepest and darkest secrets out. People then know exactly how to manipulate you. How to push your buttons even more than ever without saying a word. I begged him to stop, but he didn't and as I continued to beg my fingers dug in until I shook.

He cast me off with barely another glance and I fell into the couch. I didn't kick, I didn't scratch...I didn't do anything. I got up, walked into the bedroom and proceeded to whail until I was hoarse. I cried alone. I didn't understand how he could be so cruel. I was angry, but not at him, not at first. Why did he have to make me feel this way?

I've never allowed anyone to have that much control over my life and I let myself go. I've given him everything that I am and he knows it. I didn't understand this about him before and now I do. What he didn't understand at the time was that I realized my pictures weren't gone at all. What I reallized was that my phone company interferred with personal and private property, something I didn't know they had the power to do, just because I was having trouble paying my phone bill. This is how long their reach is when they are allowed to take over one company after the next after the next. Changes are always subtle and you might not even notice the effect, but the second you start to have problems, and this year has been the most problematic for everyone, they chomp down on unsuspecting victims and spit them the fuck out. I felt like such a loser. I felt disparaged and not in control of the world around me as I knew it.

My husband thinks in very simple terms. "Girl Cry + No Good Reason = Hysterical Woman. Me stop Girl Cry by take away No Good Reason...Fix Hysterical Woman... Ugh!" and pounds on his chest like a chimp on crack. 

The more he spoke, the more he tried to fix the problem, the more he PISSED me off. What I was trying to do was help him understand that I knew exactly what was going on. That I didn't lose anything, and that I would pay it when I felt like it. I just couldn't get control of my rage and his attitude wasn't helping. Instead of being a little kind and providing a little warmth he immediately tells me that I'm basically an idiot and can't read. Um...I don't know, could it just be me or is that just the biggest bunch of bullshit you've ever heard. What's really funny about this situation is that I was actually a little surprised. 

After I was done being a "Hysterical Woman" all on my own I came out, explained what happened and let him know where he went wrong. When all was said and done he understood exactly what I was telling him and as usual promised to be a little more careful in future. This is why I love my husband so much. He may not understand women very well, but he's always willing to listen when he's good and ready. Then if it's not too much will actually do his best to incorporate new forms of thought into his brain. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I don't ever want my husband to change. I don't ever want him to feel that he's someone he wasn't before. All I want is a little compassion, some understanding and a bit of patience.

It really does go a long way doesn't it?

So, he now understands that when I cry, I feel alone, angry and like my world is out of control. It's not his job to fix that, it's just his job to hold my hand until I feel good enough to handle it on my own. If I need his help, I will most certainly ask for it.

Maha's Burfday Messages

holy shit...i don't know what to say. i was fucking INUNDATED with birthday messages all day tuesday and i STILL haven't had the chance to check myspace and facebook. i've been going a little nutty trying to get things prepared for the autism walk this saturday and just working and resting. no video gaming for me. * sigh * that's no fun at all. BUT i'm getting a lot done. too bad non of those things are studying. SEE i'm so busy i only have time to capitalize a few words JUST for the purpose of emphasis. i'm thinking when i finally get around to writing that book about my life i'll probably do the same thing. i mean really, i'm no grammatical genius here. in fact you could easily say i'm grammatically retarded anyway.

wish i had the time to post all kinds of things about my little kitteh. i never even got to take pictures of him yesterday and i've been posting at least one of him every day to my flickr, BUT since all my pic's initially are set to private i have to get in there and reset them. blah... maybe i'll do that while i type. ginger kitteh pic's at: maha's flickr

god you guys, so many things have been going on and you know i'm fucking chomping at the bit to spit each and every last drop onto my blog but i'd be here all freakin' day. ...and i think i want to leave early.

i had a wonderful birthday. i swear it was the nicest day i've had in a really long time. maybe because i've had such a shit time the last few years and for the first time rigid made a HUGE effort to be kind to me and show me a really nice time. yeah, we don't have money, but you know a little effort goes a really long way with me. a really sincere and kind gesture can mean all the difference in the world and is always preferred over pearls, flowers or a trip to hawaii. not that i've ever taken a trip to hawaii, i'm just saying. you know, for just in case anyone needed an idea.

monday my coworker walked by my desk and mentioned that it was going to be my birthday. asked me what i was planning. i looked up at her with the stupidest expression on my face. mostly because that's the look i have when i get torn away from what i'm doing and because the fact that it was about to be my special day was news to me. i completely forgot. what's sad is that i have it on a few calendars. yeah guys, that's how bad i can get. i can't even remember my own birthday, but you know sometimes that's just the way people wired.

so because i have such a difficult time remembering special dates and just sort of keep my head down when it comes to other peoples birthdays. i kind of pretend (mostly to myself) that i don't feel like a complete and total asshole for not remembering to call the day of knowing full well that they have and will make the effort for me. it always ends up making me feel a little depressed when someone actually remembers me on my birthday because even though their name was right there in my calendar by the time i remembered to check the day had long since come and gone. that or i end up inundating myself with reminders going off all month long and when the day comes...it doesn't go off or i get the reminder, but can't call right away. point? yeah...none sorry.

i stayed up too late that day. worried about bills the kitten and how i'm going to figure out a way to make more money. it was midnight and i was finally closing my eyes. rigid hugged me close after we put the kitten to sleep, having just fed it for the last time, gave me a kiss and said, "it's your birthday poppette. happy birthday." aaaaaaaaaaawwwww.... (what load of cacky. lol)

he always does cute things like that. the next morning i wake up at 5am to go to work and find 5 birthday messages from my sister. and she wonders how she gets charged so much money on her cell phone, but i love it. rigid made me breakfast (we never make breakfast) and i went to work. before you know it i'm getting text messages, phone calls, emails, cake, pizza, money from my boss, a mani/pedi from my other broker and just...fuck... freakin' candles. FUCK. don't get me wrong i love it. i absolutely love it, but the candles and singing are just a bit much for me. not because i'm so fucking cool, but because if i were feeling just a tad bit more sensitive than i already was i would have been crying my ass off under my desk. don't these people have a clue??? jeezuz.

i didn't even get a chance to reply to all the messages, but i went home with a few leftovers for rigid. i always save him a slice of cake. he loves his desserts.

we'll, i'm starting to ramble arent' i? i do that a lot, but i have to go home so i'll wrap this up in two min. i went home with loads of stuff in my arms and found my neighbor out there with rigid. i was on the phone w/ pumpo. apparently as i stood there talking they were cooking a up a little scheme to take me out to dinner. see, hollywood (yeah, that's my neighbor) was looking for an excuse to take us both out to dinner and asked rigid what he had planned for my b-day. he bought me a little present, was making dinner and was about to bake a cake. yeah, all by himself too, but hollywood insisted on taking us out.

the cheesecake factory at redondo beach. it was a long drive and i'm not used to doing stuff like that on a weekday, but i just tried to relax and have a good time. that shot of patron he bought did the trick too. we stayed for hours and then took a little drive. AND at some point someone decided it would be brilliant to have the staff sing a little song....with fucking candles. i nearly shit my pants. but i had so much fun and i appreciate all the birthday wishes i got from everyone.

i hope you know that even though your birthday may come and go i'm always thinking of you and you'll always have a special place in my heart be you an xbox pal, gtp buddy or ...you know.

so, that's for all the birthday messages. i'm still thanking everyone individually though i have to say a special thanks to buckey and dirty. you guys nearly made me swallow my tongue. lmao!

OOh so, i have to go home now, but thanks for the lovley messages guys!!!:

BuckshotGeorge 04-22-2008 1:01 AMDelete Message - Block User
Holy Mofo, Maha!!! It's your birthday, huzzah. Imagine the streets lined with revellers, friends, family, Ice Cream stalls that are all free for today only. A marching band playing a jazz and horn versions of your favourite songs. And at the top of the parade, BuckshotGeorge bellowing out "Happy Birthday" wearing nothing but a smile, and a pair of Speedos! That is my gift to you....,hope you have a wonderful day ;)

DiRtyEffEnJiMjO 04-22-2008 2:51 PMDelete Message - Block User
HAPPY MOTHER FUCkIN BIRTHDaY GANGSTA!!!!!! =]

raitchison 04-22-2008 7:08 AMDelete Message - Block User
Happy Birthday!

Wild Cookie 04-22-2008 1:26 AMDelete Message - Block User
Happy bday -have a great day all the best

Davy Rocket 04-22-2008 12:20 AMDelete Message - Block User
Happy Birthday gorgeous, have a great day, big hug. X

Phorexia 04-22-2008 12:01 AMDelete Message - Block User
Your birthday? Happy birthday Maharet. Celebrate by spending a few hours on Live maybe?

Ninja Golfing with Jas

This is a little story that Jas shared with me

"Well…The ninja story is best told/heard when drinking….but I’ll give it a go.

One July morning, in summer of 1989, I was playing golf. I went to Kellogg GC, in Peoria IL, because the Men’s City Tourney was being held there later that summer, and I wanted to practice. (I’m from there) It was early….maybe 6:30 a.m. when I started….I preferred to play alone when I was practicing seriously.

I don’t know if you have ever golfed, but I came to a par-5, which was the 3rd hole then, and is now the 7th I believe….anyway, after laying up on my drive to the fairway in front of the lake, I pulled my next shot into the rough on the left side of the hole…not a very good shot…maybe 20 feet from the woods on the left that lined the left side of the hole. I clearly remember yelling “Motherfucker!!!!!!” Then a long string of expletives…as well, and I walked up to my ball.

I was trying to decide what club to use, when I heard some rustling around in the tree line, and I could make out a figure.



What happened next could only be described as surreal. The person stepped out of the woods…and was wearing a ninja suit. An all black, hood covering his/her face, with a slit for the eyes to see through ninja suit. Ninja started walking towards me, and I called out “ A little early for Halloween, isn’t it?” He kept walking toward me…and stopped a few feet away….and pulled out a sword…a samurai sword..or a kitana…whatever….I am no expert in the blades of the martial arts, but it was long and sharp. I know it was sharp because the ninja took a swing at me with it…and on his follow-through, sliced a small sapling in two…..clean in two…..

I jumped back, and cleverly yelled “Hey Asshole!!!” I grabbed my putter, and bashed the ninja in the head with it. It made a sound kinda like “Kuh-thump,” almost like the sound made when beating a rug to get the dust out…maybe….that’s as close I can approximate. I was using my mom’s old putter, as she had quit playing, and I had always played well with hers, even though it was sorta girly….yellow leather handle, and a yellow mallet head. This was nice, as it gave the club some extra heft….good for bashing the ninja I suppose, as it turned out.

The ninja collapsed in a heap….and I took a step back to collect myself…more of a “what the fuck just happened” moment. I nudged him with my foot…but he just kinda groaned…and laid there. I hit my ball on the green, and 2 –putted for my par….as I looked back, he was still laying on the ground on the left side of the rough…I went to the next tee, and continued to play. I shot a 78 that day…which isn’t too bad considering.

I have no idea who that was, or what in the bloody blue hell they were doing. None at all." ~ Jason

Responding To Dirty On Google

bite your tongue you foul beast!!! i love my gmail, what are you talking about? i want a free fucking phone god damn it! think about it. you don't know what the adverts would look like or how you'll receive them but still...what if your granny needed a cell phone and you couldn't afford to buy her one? or you and your girlfriend want matching phones, but you don't want to get rid of yours because that's the only number you're mom can remember? phfff! i can't believe you even said you wouldn't want a free phone.

it's fucking free??? who turns down free? especially when they're trying to work out a good plan for the little folks. me...who has no money to keep pouring into the big corporations just to get a phone with lmtd text messages, mms, email, internet and nation wide calling with free phone to phone (but only if it's with your carrier) service all for only 135/mo for two phones.

you're telling me you'd rather pay that PLUS your home phone service, internet and cable than get a free phone that gives your free internet usage, free UNLIMITED text messaging, mms, email, video usage, minutes, phone to phone....to any phone etc etc because of the ADVERTS? you LIE SIR!

here's the deal. what they want to do is work something out with a good (even if it's so so) company so that they can provide ANY phone with all the amenities we all desire. this includes BRAND NEW TECHNOLOGY and DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT... free. yeah, high hopes and huge aspirations. i mean talk about reaching, but if anyone could do it it's google.

thing is that the big wigs are shaking in their boots because they're not sure if they could do it. there are tons of people out there that hate google and everything it stands for and can't wait for it to fail...miserably. that's because google is all about "the consumer". basically they'd rather stick it to the corporations and make them pay to have there adverts displayed because inevitably that will make google more money. they're so branched out all over the world with so many different services that they stand to make tons of money in comparison to say a telecommunications company or internet provider, etc. i say the more we as consumers get out of google the better. even if they're not "all about the consumer", if by their actions i stand to save money in some small way more fucking power to them.

who knows if i'll end up eating my words later on. right now, i could really use a break from this $135 phone bill... that's approx $270 GBP...hmmm, i think this turned into a blog.

sorry Dirty! lmao!!! (no time for a spell check either. much work to do. :) )

Pehlopian, My Pehlopian

Chris's comment:

"LUDACHRIS1971 11-13-2007 It could be worse you could have cooties....EEEEEWWWW have you ever put a penis in your just to hear it cumming? LOL im feeling a little sick & twisted today hope the cranberry juice that funky mess in your phelopian tubes. Did i even spell that correctly? You should try COD4 you would lov it I think it's an awesome game."

I am the Moco:

um...yeah you spelled that correctly...of course, i can't figure out what the hell you were talking about because i think you left some stuff out. ... there's always funky mess in my phelopian tubes. mostly cause we're trying to make beebies. course, those pesky little phelopian's aren't connected to my kidneys. unless somethings all honked up in there my kidneys, much like the rest of the human race, are connected to my urinary tract.

at this point, i should stop saying the first thing that pops into my head. so, i'll just say i haven't been drinking enough water for the past 2 weeks. that and rigid is an animal and savaged me this past weekend over and over...and over again...per day. my pehlopian tubes and u-tubes are just not happy....neither is my anus, but that's another story. *snicker * kidding...kidding. lmfao!

okay enough of this tomfoolery, i should get back to work. OOH! yeah, COD4 is definitely worth thinking about. just about everyone on my list is playing it and pumpo said it's cool. but what do you guys think about assassin's creed? rigid really wants to get that one.

one more thing...they're called fallopian tubes...

i like monkeys.

A Conversation Remembered

So, how is married life treating you?[

better than last year so far, thank you. and you? enjoying your little babies? they must be so big by now.


Yeah, not bad - lots of tantrums (i mean LOTS!) and refusing to be potty trained, but otherwise great....

that's good to hear. not the tantrums of course. they're to be expected i'm sure. well, my breakfast just about came back up. lol

the jig is up as they say. i did have fun just chatting with everyone again. if you'd like me to stay away just let me know. i'll understand completely. :)

I actually suspected from the start... too many clues!! But
[quote=Leeloo]fresh face??? how dare you. ai ranita, come eres tonto. [/quote] confirmed... then Minky knew from his clue.

I'm not going to ask you to leave, that's up to you. But I do feel uncomfortable about it. What happened in the past changed my life forever, and I'm sure it affected more people than it should have. I finally have a real relationship with Sam - it was just 'living together' for the longest time, but things are good now.

I have deleted so many lines of text now. I truly hope you and Nathan are happy.

ATUN! (it's an anagram ;) )

of course. i left many breadcrumbs. sometimes i think i truly enjoy battering myself over the head....sometimes. i probably don't realize how hurtful and stupid it all is until i'm floored with it. now what i'm really going to hurt over is how angry monkey will be with me. that is going to sting. lol

i wasn't here to rock your boat dear. i hope you don't think too badly of me. i simply missed the old group of friends i had. can't find that kind of chemistry anywhere you know. :) but you can't have it all can you?

i'll be honest, it was time to go. i knew that i never should have done this in the first place yet i couldn't pull away. cheers me up each morning. 8-) (i think i needed you to nudge me out. :) )

well, that's that. by the way, i do know how very happy you are and that truly warms my heart. i just want you to know that.

atun corazon...en otra vida.
Don't worry about Monkey....Keep smiling that smile. I'll hold you to that otra vida

Messages From My Little Sister

keep in mind that these are text message and sometimes words get all mixed up.

at 9:17 am 7/15/7
mekare: on friday there was an olympic fun day for kids and family and isaac scratched his leg later that day he started getting the chills and his temp was 103 but nothing hurt him on sat his bad leg looked like a lobster still he has no insurance but luckily his dr is at his office on sat and he said he was close to being back at the hospital with septicemia again gave him lots of pills but his leg is still red and he still havd a fever i am scared but i hope he'll be just fine all because bacteria entered through his wound

after sending me pictures of his rotting leg and telling me not to post this or any pictures:

maharet: please don't send me those picgtures anymore. sorry your going through this.

at 7:41 am 7/20/7
mekare: don't worry about me sending you anything anymore sorry for even trying with you nd do me a favor and don't put the picture on the internet have some respect take the one of my arm out to

of course, i'd already done that and she knows it. she'd also already asked that i not post the pictures of his rotting leg and i wasn't going to, but now i'm damned tempted.

maharet: you know what mekare, i wasn't being rude with you. and it was really unkind for you to have said that to me. i don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect. you have no idea what i went through when you left me upstairs or what i'm going through still. but you see little sister, that's what happens when you become involved with self involved people. now last night when i got those pics i could very easily have been an asshole, but i chose not to be.

8:12 am 7/20/7
mekare: neither message was finished but i left u upstairs cuz i had the kids in the car i would hop you sould have done the same and it was rude of you i'm scared and i had no one but you and you were having problems before the party don't tell you're brain it was all that day you made that day worse than it should have been if any one should have been mad it should have been jasmine you defended me you should have left if it meant you were going to turn this into what u turned it into u defended me and now yr mad i am sorry and i did say it on more than one time

maharet: nothing you said really made sense. try reading before you send because the words can change. jas of all peole has no right to be upset. she was the one yanking me aroudn so i wouldn't take aric. at one point she shoved me so hard she nearly fell. if she hadn't done what she did i wouldn't have been up there so don't talk to me about her right to be mad. i would get things straight before i started pointing fingers. how shit do you think it made me feel when i heard them laughing at me as i rand down the stairs? jas thought it was funny? and you think i should feel bad because shes upset? do us both a favor and give me some space. it's going to take a lot more than two weeks before i can pretend like nothings wrong. i know your used to this and your easily able to move on but i cant. i don't think i can forgive nate for what he did and no i wouldn't blame you.

second attempt and making her message legible:

mekare: neither of yr messages were finisheds but it was rude of you i'm scared and i had no one but u don't know how many messages u got because i was having problems with my phone and i left you upstarirs with yr husband because my kids were in the car i'd hope u would have done the same and you were having problems before the party don't tell you're self it was all that day you made that day worse than it should have been if any one should have been mad it should have been jasmine you defended me you should have left if it meant you were going to turn this into what u turned it into u defended me and now yr mad i am sorry and i did say it on more than one time

8:42 am 7/20/7
mekare: u should forgive him u hit him all the time as for isaac it turns out i garbed somones balls in front of him don't even remember doing it as for my messages i'm still getting used to the phone and i'm in the car pulled over i wasn't there didn't hear now or c but space you got it

Illegal Schmegal

This is in response to DILLIGAF REX's Blog (it was a great post by the way!) I was leaving a reply, but as usual it got too long so I decided to leave it on a new post for all to read. :) Like anyone reads my crap other that Phorexia. hahaha! Rexi, don't be upset okay. This is not an attack directed at you it's an attack on the sentiment...I suppose. BUT DON'T HATE ME! :) XOXO~ Maha

Here's my post:

It's much more complicated than just being illegal. (and by the way, I guarantee you most of the people marching aren't illegal. People marching are doing so for their friends and family who might be.) It's a difficult thing to really take a stance on, for me that is, as I'm in my own unique situation as most of my friends know. Although I agree that crossing over illegally is wrong there are always reasons and explanations. Starvation being one of them...Poverty being another. It's not our fault that other people's countries are unstable and absolutely useless, but it's also not the people's fault. They're marching because it's better than bombing and terrorizing countries just to have a voice. We have HUMAN RIGHTS in this country and that's what makes it so great.

So if people, illegal or otherwise, want to march they do have a right to do so. Much like rapists and murderers have a right to a fair trial. Human rights...very important concept. One which I myself have become very fond of. You have to remember that the food you eat is usually picked by illegal aliens, or immigrants with no education. Everything from the cow's we devour to the corn we boil is picked by people being payed meager wages which for the most part is being sent back to Mexico to feed their mother's, fathers, wives or children.

Does no one stop to actually think about these things? This country was built on the backs of ILLEGAL immigrants and now we want to keep people out. Guess what, it doesn't work that way. You don't get to eat the food you eat at the prices you pay and still get to say "Hey, you piece of shit criminal illegal person. Get the fuck out of my country. Yeah, that's right I said it. You're a criminal and should be treated just like one." Good one...compare hungry and hard working people to murderers and rapists. I love it. Don't get me wrong Rex, I agree that there's a HUGE problem and allowing people to continue crossing over illegally and getting away with it is one of the biggest hurdles we have to overcome, this I understand. But to state that a human being doesn't have the basic right to be heard in a community because they're in an "illegal status" or otherwise is wrong.

And lastly...You can be illegal and an immigrant. It's a description of your current status. You are trying to immigrate to the U.S. but you did it illegally. It's wrong yes, and you know what, there should be repercussions but the point these people are trying to make is that there has to be a better way of dealing with these issues than splitting mothers apart from their children only to leave them orphaned here in this country alone because they had the misfortune to be born here. Or to deport fathers from their family's only to leave the women to fend for themselves or end up on welfare so they can feed their kids on food stamps. Yes, there are pieces of shit that abuse our system (not just illegals by the way) and waste our hard earned money, but I'd rather pay those ignorant bastards than let ONE CHILD go hungry. Ultimately that's what this is about.

Rex my love, I'm personally inviting you to come with me one day to Mexico so I can show you the luxury people live in at the border...just at the border let alone further into Mexico. You take a wander around over there and you'll see that even Mexico is better than some of the other countries people immigrate from. At least the 2 year old kids in Mexico can hold boxes of Chiclets (gum) and sell them for .10 each to the privileged legal citizens crossing the border while their father is on the other side picking vegetables or STEALING precious landscaping jobs away from the LEGAL citizens. It's certainly not because LEGAL citizens are to lazy to do anything for a meager wage...they have rights don't you know. Anyway, this isn't about Mexico and you didn't make it about it either. I did and that's my fault, but it gets to me because I know that there are so many other people out there that believe exactly what you believe it, but take it to the extreme and it's those people that I have a problem with not you, what you said or what you believe in. You have a perfect right to feel the way that you do and it's great that you voice your opinion like an adult.

The only thing that I want my friends to remember is that there are always two sides to the story. Beggars always have reasons for being in the situation that they're in and it's not "because that's the life they chose" because no one CHOOSES to be homeless, poor or hungry. If you have change in your pocket and you can spare it do you not feel even the least bit guilty if you deny them? It's called humanity and we should extend our compassion to everyone around us even the poor bastards on death row because we are NOT infallible. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people and sometimes...it's our own fault.