Monday, November 6, 2006

From The Depths Of Despair Come I

Despair, loneliness, hopelessness...Where do these feelings come from? Rigid spent the entire weekend doing little things to make me happy. He took me to the cinema to watch Flushed Away. Didn't press me about seeing Borat, which I'm not exactly thrilled about, took me out for lunch. We had a really nice time this weekend. I studied quite a bit and he even helped me do some flashcards because my right arm is in so much pain I can't even hold a pair or scissors... Why is it called a pair if you only have one? I'm not pms'ing. It's much too early isn't it?
Maybe not, I just did my calendar and I'm right on time. I thought I felt pain in my left ovary again. This is always a sign of things to come. Rigid is on high alert and knows just what to do...Piss me off as much as possible without sending me into panic mode. So now that we know how do we prevent these problems. We can't. I've always had it and it's always been bad, but it's never been THIS bad. The bruises on my arm are still visible and last night while Rigid was trying his best to comfort me I dug into my arm again. I did it just as I felt that I was about to lose it and suddenly I felt more in control again. I felt ok. He kissed me and hugged me holding me and hoping that I would fall asleep snuggled in his arms and suddenly I wasn't okay anymore. It happened. Another full blown panic attack. I wrenched free from his grasp and sat at the edge of the bed. I wanted to smash everything in site, I wanted to run into the wall and knock myself out.
I held my head in anticipation of whatever might come next. He gave me a drink of water and stood in front of me, probably hoping that I wouldn't get up again. But I did, I stood up and paced around, but he wouldn't really let me go far. I barely got past the door. I turned back around to go back through the door and accidentally hit my elbow on the frame of the doorway. I cried out in confusion. I didn't know whether I was in pain or whether I wanted to hit it harder so I leaned my arm up against the wall and placed my head on it crying, sobbing. I slid my hand out and let my forehead feel the coolness of the wall and I continued to sob but the memories of the brain bashing I gave myself last time floated to mind and I screeched and cried in agony and fear. I didn't want to do that again yet the urge was there! WHY did I feel that? I went back into the bedroom practically tripping over my own feet. Rigid was there to hold me and sit me back down on the bed. I feel so awful for him. He shouldn't have to go through this. I'm so humiliated.
Then it starts to happen again. I finally start to calm down and then I go. That other place beckons me. In to my mind I go and gone I stay. Rigid snaps his fingers, calls my name and tells me to come back, but I stay gone. Until something snaps me back. It happens a few more times. Each time I come back I say something a little incoherent. "Where did I go, where do I go?" and Rigid says, "Nowhere Michelle, you're right here. Right here with me, you didn't go anywhere. What do you mean? You didn't go anywhere." and Gone again. It feels like looking through a foggy window on a rainy day. I hear his questions, I hear his voice and I want to come back to him, I want to answer him but I'm immobile. For those few seconds I'm immobile and I don't know why. I want to answer, but I can't and I don't know why. This is me though, this is what it's always been like. I just don't remember it happening as much.
I'd go back and forth between this fugue like state and a vague awareness until Rigid laid me down, tucked me in and kissed me good night. I remember babbling about something or another and saying that I didn't want to have nightmares about this. I remember falling and falling into a strange sleep and waking up with a searing pain at my side which disappeared as soon as I opened my eyes. Rigid held my hand until I fell asleep again. I never woke up again, in fact I had a fairly restful sleep. I'm exhausted now and my eyes are puffy, so puffy in fact that I could barely open them this morning. People at work are irritating me and since they fired one of my brokers I'll be down money this Thanksgiving. How do you fire someone just before the holidays and why can't I stick to one subject? Where do I go though? When I enter that fog, when I go to that other place, where do I go? Is that as far as Despair will take me? Then to the depths despair to the depths!

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