Friday, November 3, 2006

Nothing Else Matters on Halloween Night

Man I'm tired. I've had a very busy week. Actually I've been busy since last week...Really I've been busy the whole year but who's keeping track. I missed out on GameNight Last week because my sister was throwing on the guilt trip for not having visited her since she moved in to her new apartment. I didn't help them with the move whatsoever. I feel really shit about it but honestly. If I don't pass my exam how shit would they feel? Not much let me tell you. My sister might, my mother...that's another story entirely. Don't let me get started about my mother.

I left poor Mega and his friends high and dry on friday last week. I have too many things that I want to do, too many things I HAVE to do and no where near enough time to do them all. So I prioritize. I went to see my sister and hoped she'd leave me alone most of the weekend to study. I did okay. I studied, though not as much as I would have liked. Rigid and I spend too much time running around doing chores all day. Pick up the groceries, buy cleaning products at Target or makeup at the mall. Do I need the make-up at the mall? No. Can we afford the make-up at the mall? No. But I have allergies (Clinique is the best!) and a Maceys credit card so THERE!

I sometimes don't write about all my freak outs. I go bonkers once in a while. Last week I was bonkers for a few days. I'd gotten my period. This meant that the wishful thinking I was trying so desperately to ignore turned out to be just that...Wishful thinking. Again, I was devastated and so was he. He tries his best to keep me calm and cheer me up. Hold me when I lose it as I'm trying to sleep. I remember the night my period came I was almost sure I was pregnant, but I told Rigid NOT to get me a pregnancy test because you never know. I was so excited because my breast had been swelling and swelling. They hurt so bad I couldn't lay on them at all. I couldn't towel them off and forget about foreplay in that area. I'd been feeling cramps most of the week though so I just didn't know. That made me wonder if it wasn't the Depakote that was heightening my PMS. I got my period on a Sunday night and I wanted to crawl under my bed and rot. I cried myself to sleep with Morrigan sprawled out on top of my belly just where my cramps were hurting. How she knows where I'm hurting is beyond me.

I was depressed this way for a few days and eventually after a good long while the clouds cleared and I was better. Morrigan was none too happy about being left out of the room though. True to her strong mothering instincts she stayed up night after night trying to claw and beg her way back into the bedroom after that first night she gave me of comfort. I then realized...I need my cats with me when I sleep. It'll help me SLEEP for one and it'll keep me just a little bit happier. Rigid wasn't happy and he had no problem telling me just how unhappy it made him to let the cats in the room at nights. "They'll piss everywhere Michelle!" I eventually got my way, but not before I had another fugue. I think that when I feel that your simply not taking the time to understand me or what I'm saying I need I revert back into the child I was growing up with a drunk mother. Suddenly I hate my husband. Suddenly he spews fire out of his mouth and all I want to do is cut out his tongue. Wait how'd I get to that???

Eventually when I realize I'm not being myself anymore I freak out a little more and begin to cry hysterically. Suddenly I also want to die and then I don't...WTF? Me thinks something is amis with the drugs. But as I said, I got over it and everything was fine. SO back to this past weekend. Everything was pretty much okay. I had a few ups and downs, but nothing major. In fact I was beginning to feel pretty darn good. Lovely yes? No. Halloween sprung up on me before you know it. I was already beginning to feel a little anxious because I didn't want to spend all night long walking around some shitty area with my sister and the kids and not get home until 11pm. I have to wake up at 5 am...Can we cut the big sister a little slack here? The men weren't going to make it. Her husband had to work a night shift and my husband had a therapy session to go to. Can you believe it? We haven't even come up on our first wedding anniversary and already were both in therapy. That's Los Angeles for you right? I wonder if he ever thought this was what his life would be like if he ended up migrating from England. Like the nights he stayed up looking up at the stars wondering what his life would be like when he grew up. Maybe even having the desire to move to America one day...See the world...Did he ever see himself in therapy? I did, but that's just a given.

It's Halloween day and I'm not in the spirit. I'm tired and a little grumpy and I forgot my camera at home so I'm upset. I always take pictures of the kids and this time we were going to visit Pumpo and his girlfriend while we trick or treated in their neighborhood. It was going to be great fun, but I forgot my camera and I have NO money to buy a disposable. I had Rigid take the camera with him because he was the last to leave from work. I figured if he was in the area he could drop it by otherwise I'd be picking it up after work. Well, turns out he was in the area AND I was magically on his way back to where he needed to go, but he couldn't do it. He had a good reason, but unless I sit here writing the entire days events I'll won't finish writing until I leave and I have to study... and work. Like I said, he had a good excuse, BUT he didn't actually give it to me. He lied and said that bringing the camera too me would take him too far out of his way. I had a map in front of me and I was almost directly in his path. This angered me a great deal, but I sat on it. In fact I went to the bathroom and cried about it because I knew he was wrong and deep down inside I knew I was wrong for feeling that way.

I got through my day and the longer I sat on my feelings the angrier I became. I wasn't going to pick up the camera. I knew that I shouldn't even have tried, but just like that I changed my mind. Rigid was going to be in the office which is only about 30 min from me with no traffic. NO TRAFFIC??? No Traffic in Little Santa Monica??? In Boys Town Santa Monica???? On HALLOWEEN NIGHT????? Can someone tell me what the fuck I was thinking??? I drove my ass down on Sunset strip. The windy street was empty as can be and I was starting to cheer up, but as soon as I got to Santa Monica things got all wonky. As soon as I got stuck in traffic I burst into tears...Actually I think I'd already been crying because I was upset at Rigid for being a liar and a jerk of a man. What happened next could not in any way have been avoided. He tried to call me while I was stuck in traffic and I was already hysterical. He tried to tell me to calm down and drive safely or to pull over if I needed to. I was too far gone. I started to drive like a moron making U turns illegally or cutting traffic off dangerously only to get stuck yet again. I was beside myself.

I'd hang up on him or call him to try and get him to calm me down, but nothing was working. I hurt myself again to try to make it stop. I socked the dashboard just hard enough to hurt my knuckles but not hard enough to cave it in. My Echo is made out of Tupperware...Trust me when I tell you it would cave. It didn't work. I still felt it all in my chest, arms and shoulders. The pain and frustration of things just not going the way I'd like them to, but who in their right mind had that kind of pain and frustration. It's agonizing and it's fucking frightening. It was getting worse and worse. I knew I was about to do something idiotic and the last thing I wanted to do was crash into the back of someones car or get in the way of traffic and have someone hit me. I slashed at my inner forearm hard. I dug in and ripped a little skin too. I didn't bleed, but I felt the pain of it sear me, sooth me and chill me out a little. Just a little. Just enough to regain a little clarity. I hurt myself pretty bad, I could tell, but it didn't matter. Rigid called me again and I told him what I did. He was scared for me (his kind of scared means he's going to yell at me and ask me why I would do something like that... he doesn't actually yell.) I told him I couldn't help it that I did it before I even thought of it. It's only after the fact that I can analyze WHY I would do something like that.

My sister called me and I spoke to her. She was also upset and helped calm me down. I still tried to get to Rigid for the camera, but traffic was impossible so I gave up. I decided that the only way I would be okay is if I just forgot about the stupid camera. So the kids won't have pictures this year (my sister forgot her wallet and had no money...I have no money. It was pretty shit.) big deal. We have pictures of them pretty much every single year. I find it a little difficult to lean on people so much. I never did that, in fact no one ever really knew I had these types of problems, but my ex husband really knew how to handle it so we kept it fairly well hidden. My sister is the only other one who knows what to do. Rigid is learning and I feel so bad for him. My sister and I talked about why he would decide not to bring the camera when he was so close by. She agreed with me when I said he's just a jerk. That he knew he was being a jerk when he said he couldn't do it knowing full well that I was close by. Well, after enough of that I allowed the one thought swimming around in the back of my mind to come up for air. He JUST got a dollar raise and if he went even just a little out of his way and was late with a shipment of tile just to bring me a camera... We'll who knows what could happen. Maybe nothing. Most likely nothing, but that's not the point. The point is that he was feeling anxious about bringing me the camera, as much as he wanted to bring it to me, because he just go that raise and he didn't want to get into trouble. Can you blame him? This is why it's so easy for me to HATE myself. I know I'm wrong... I know I'm not being myself so WHY can't I control it?

Doesn't matter because in the end my sister and I got to our destination. Pumpo got to see his godchild and niece and we had a great time trick or treating (despite the empty houses). Rigid even had time to come all the way to his house to drop off the camera (I never asked him, I did appologize.) and still make it to his Dr's appointment. I still have the scratches and bruises on my arm but that doesn't matter. Nothing matters except He and I.

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