Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Batty As Hell

Batman created the animated gif you see there. Isn't it neat! :) I'm so easily impressed. It doesn't take much I tell you. An animal cracker, a gumball machine snake and an animated gif and I'm all yours. *sigh* What can I say?

I tried to add it to my main picture, but it's Jpeg's only. For some idiotic reason the likes of which still alludes me I STILL tried to add it in the hopes that I could magically thwart Mr. Zamees efforts to force all of us to only use Jpegs. DAMN YOU...DAMN YOU TO ALL MIGHTY HELL!!!!!! Can't you see how I suffer? *sigh* Ah well, such is life.

On a brighter note, I'm halfway through this week, as most of you are, and that means I'm one step closer to my class time next week. WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? I'm going to DIE!!! I don't want to go. Please don't make me... Please*whimper*

I'm not even done with Chapter 22. It's the final frontier...the final chapter that leads to the inevitable worst test taking experience of your life...EVER and I'm not looking forward to it at all. My husband keeps telling me that If I continue on with this defeatist attitude then I'll get no where in life and that's what I deserve. He tells me that in order to succeed I should have a more positive attitude and that no one gets anywhere in life by being purposely pessimistic. Purposely Pessimistic...say that 3 times fast. haha! Purposely pessimistic???? PHFF I, my friends, am neither an optimist nor a pessimist. I - am - a - REALIST. Yes, damn it! A realist and the reality of the fact truly is that I'm simply not prepared for this exam.

For all the studying I've done and all the hours I've put in I am not prepared. BUT I do cling to a glimmer of hope that I will manage to pass with a barely passing grade the first time around. It really depends on how the class goes next week. That's somewhat optimistic yeah?

I take this middle of the road thing rather seriously I've noticed. My husband has a very black and white sort of attitude about everything. I view the world in shades of grey with black being super dark grey and white being super light grey. Did you need such an explanation, no, but I'm trying to look busy while I continue to ignore this wire transfer request on my desk so bear with me.

This is where he and I clash. Rigid: Black and white, optimistic to the point of delusional and aggressive as fuck. Me: Shades of grey, realistic to the point of passivity and crazy as FUCK. We piss each other off so god damned much that we wonder what the hell were doing. Well, I wonder and he clears things up for me. He's my voice of reason. When I'm being TOO realistic and verging on pessimistic he pulls me back with his whip of angry optimism and threatens to smack me in the head just so I can snap out of it. When I start getting passive and not working as hard as I should he's there to tell me to keep on going, that there'll be a light at the end of that tunnel.

He tells me I'll pass that exam if it's the last thing I ever do and he's going to be there to watch me do it. That he'll be proud of me and I'll be proud of myself. That even if I don't pass he'll be proud of me because he knows exactly how hard I've tried. I have to admit even though his little pep talks help me through those little rough patches I go through I still don't have much hope of passing. Here's why. I'm not interested in this industry in the least. The more chapters I read and the more junk I fill my head with the more I realize that this won't be what I do the rest of my life. I'm 32 and it's sad that this is where I find myself at this stage of my life, but it's a fact and I have to deal with it. Now I quit College of my own volition after my ex-husbands illness because of my emotional breakdown.

During his illness I was able to finish that semester with flying colors, even though it was touch and go with him for a long time. I had to dress and disinfect his deep wound every day for months until it healed while I studied. I don't know what happened after that, but the next semester my brain just melted and halfway through I quit. We didn't have enough money to pay our bills because he'd been out and the little money I was making as a tutor just wasn't cutting it. I went in my head and didn't come out for a long time. You know sometimes your brain remembers things completely wrong.

I thought Pumpo gave me no choice but to work in order to support us, but that was just not true. We claimed bankruptcy that year because of his $80,000 hospital bills plus our credit cards (all in my name). For some reason I couldn't bring myself to work or go back to school. He was worried about me and tried to get me to enroll back in school so I could finish or tried to encourage me to get a job. Eventually he tried the angry approach and said I HAD to get a job to help support us because he couldn't do it alone. He actually helped me get my first job since College. I don't know how I forgot that. Ever since then I got it stuck in my head that I had to work in order to survive. No more Cup-O-Noodle's and Tuna sandwiches for me , no sir. It's Salmon steaks and asparagus sticks or nothing!

I've been working ever since and eventually was lucky enough to land this job. When I received my first check I ran out to my favorite store Pick-N-Save, now known as BigLots, and bought myself so many socks it was was actually pathetic when you think about it, but when you get a good job you just don't think it'll last so you run out and grab all the little things you would have liked to have purchased and buy them all at once. I think I spent $100 dollars on socks alone. I was in heaven. Pumpo and I always had plenty of money to spend but never enough to save. Still, with that I got another car, a big screen TV, custom made couches...I loved my life again because I had more than enough to survive.

I was given the opportunity to take this exam early in my career but I always shrugged it off thinking I would never really need much more than what I already had. I'm wasn't greedy. I had enough and I wasn't eating tuna sandwiches unless I wanted to which coincidentally always ended up being when I was playing on Unreal Championship. (If you ever wonder why "Eat Tuna Bitches!" is my motto...well, there you go.) Unfourtunately all good things must come to an end when you have real plans and goals. I was never much of a go getter really. I did well in College and I was very close to receiving my AS degree but I didn't finish. I was given the opportunity to become a Registered Sales Assistant, but I never took it. Then one day a bug crawled way deep up my sphincter and never came out. I want a baby. I knew it would happen to me it really is inevitable. Women go through so many emotional changes throughout their lives, all hormonally driven, but one of the worst has got to be the I-WANT-A-FUCKING-BABY-SO-BAD-I-WANT-TO-DIE- phase.

That's the phase that'll get you to do the worst kinds of shit. If you thought threesomes and wife swapping was bad then you've got another thing coming. The I-WANT-A-FUCKING-BABY-SO-BAD-I-WANT-TO-DIE- phase is bad...really bad. People kill other people because of this phase. People have sex with the wrong people because of this phase. People get divorced and marry too quickly because of this phase. Am I one of those people? Maybe, maybe not. The point is that's the phase I'm in right now and THAT'S why I'm taking this exam. There...I said it. *deep breath* Now that's realism to it's finest yes?

My one true motivation right now is the very fact that somewhere down the line I'll be able to pull my head out of my ass and not want to die at the thought of not being able to conceive and actually have fun trying to conceive. Having a child and being able to support it on MY own is important to me because no matter how much I love my husband or how much he loves me I HAVE to be able to support myself and my child if in fact I'm ever lucky enough to have one. If this means I have to take this FUCKING shitty ass exam full of GARBAGE I don't want to know then fuck it.

Why? Because writing blogs isn't going to earn me any money at the moment as no one is knocking down my door begging me to bitch about my husband all day and all night and pay me for it. Because jamming my eyesocket into the back of a mediocre digital camera isn't going to get me the big bucks doing weddings. And because this is actually a whole hell of a lot easier than putting myself out there and doing the things I really love to do because I'm shit scared that I'll fuck it all up.

So that's what it's all about, and this is why I'm doing what I'm doing. This is why I'm so FUCKing angry all the time., thanks Batty! (run away)

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