Monday, April 16, 2007

Preparing For The Inevitable

I've been going over several things in my head that I've been wanting to address of late yet nothing seems to come to mind at the moment so I'll start where I left off last. We had a great time with Rigid's mom. We visited my family in Riverside and they were so beautiful and welcoming to us. My aunt is the greatest. I have a really great family. Yeah, they're all as fucked as the rest of us, but they're cool. Even if they're just pretending to be. Who gives a shit. They showed Rigid's mom a great time and made her feel really great that he was stuck in this country. I guess she was comforted by the fact that he had family here he could depend on. I'm not the only one that loves Rigid. My entire family loves him. Mostly because he's with me, but least they make him feel loved.

I'm not really in the mood to get into her trip. I have loads of pictures that I wanted to post, but I just don't have the time for that. I don't have the time for anything really. The day before Rigid's mom left they got into a huge fight and we didn't get to hang out with her. I was so angry at Rigid for starting the fight that I made him apologize to this mother several times, but she rejected his apology each and every time he went back to the hotel until she finally told him that if he didn't leave her alone they would "fall out" and she'd never see him again.

I lay on the couch wondering why they were such idiots. I was livid with Rigid. I could have run over him a few times with my car until the sudden realization hit me. It wasn't his fault anymore. Yes he'd started the argument because he was tired and grumpy and because he's just being himself, but he apologized several times. She never accepted his apology. That's when I got angry. I began to wonder why the hell I gave a shit anyway. I give a shit. I do. To be honest I simply can't help myself, it's just the way I am. Still, the fact that she refused to accept his apology and also refused to apologize for her rediculous behavior enraged me beyond words. I had a nice conversation with Rigid. Apologized for being so angry at him and he reciprocated. After that we had a fabulous afternoon without his mother. It was a shame because we had plans to take her somewhere nice for her last day out, but such is life.

When we got back there were a few messages on the phone, but non from his mother. I hoped they would be. In fact I hoped that the funny electronic messages on my machine where actually her attempts at reaching us. My phone was doing strange things at this time. Eventually later that night she got a hold of him. I was in the bathroom at this time. I knew it would be her and I knew he'd find it absolutely necessary to give me every last detail of their conversation while I was on the shitter...No fun. The last person I want to think about while I'm on the toilet is my mother in law. Turns out she wanted him to pick her up the next morning after all. At least we'd have that much time together before she had to board her plane.

We had a nice morning. We had breakfast at Rigid's favorite Mexican food restaurant. His mother pretty much spat out everything he gave her. I mean literally. It was fairly repulsive. In fact I was rather queasy. To think that she wanted to spend time down in Mexico with us as soon as Rigid could make the trip. All I had to do was tell her about the last time that we ate there at a taco stand. Let's just say we made friends with a few roaches. She wasn't thrilled. I don't think we'll be taking her there. If it annoyed me the entire time she was in Los Angeles with us that she spit her food out everywhere we ate I would probably leave her dead and buried somewhere out in Mexico. It's fucking insulting to spit food out in front of someone especially at a restaurant. Rigid did that to me once in front of a cousin of mine. I was so humiliated that I'll never forget that. Let's just say he'll never do that again. Now I know where he got that bad habit. So much for that bullshit about dining in fine restaurants.

Speaking of bullshitters, how is it that I get myself involved with them constantly. Whatever. Who cares. Eventually we took her to the airport. That was a bit of a nightmare, but it all turned out in the end. We took a couple more pictures and said our goodbyes. I cried a bit after we left. Rigid held me the entire way to the car. I was more broken up about his mother leaving than he was. He was definitely amused with my over abundance of emotion. I think he likes feeling like he's protecting me.

I'll be honest though, the ride home was relaxing. No one screaming in the back telling him how bad his driving is. No offence lady, but that's my job now thank you. I'm sure she felt the same though. I mean it's not like she could run up to the cockpit and tell the pilot what a shitty right turn he made on the runway and that he should have his licence revoked. She had no choice but to relax...either that or be put into a straight jacket until she got off the plane. If they don't have those things on planes they should. I could make some phone calls. I know people you know. (Yeah, that's a joke)

Now the only big thing I have going is my exam date. I've been dragging this out for so long I don't know how I've managed not to pull every single last hair out of my head, but the day is finally approaching. I scheduled my exam date for the 28th of April. Now whether I'm ready or not I'm taking this fucking exam. There's no guarantee I'll pass even if I wait until I feel ready so fuck it all to hell. I've taken almost all of the first 13 exams and I've counted my average score. It's 54%....54 FUCKING %! Granted it's on the first try. The second attempt is always well above 80%, but what the fuck does that mean except that I've memorized the correct answers. The first attempt can easily take mt 4 hrs to complete and the second attempt will take me 2. I try to make sure that I read the answers so I can be more familiar with the information I'm being given, but it gets so tedious and sometimes that doesn't help much either.

I'm allowed at least 3 attempts at an exam each time. After the 3rd or 4th second attempt I quit and started plowing through all the exams. I try my best to study each methodically, but each new exam brings a new disappointment and a stark realization... I'm going to fail. Really, this isn't me whining for someones attention. I'm not trying to get people to give me a pat on the back and tell me every thing's going to be all right. In fact people's reassurances only succeed in pissing me off even more. The truth of the matter is that this isn't me having a defeatist type moment. It's simply a matter of facts kicking you in the balls. Had I any balls to be kicked I'd be down in the fetal position cradling my golden sack in my hands. Why is it golden? I have no idea, but they hurt and they throb because this exam bullshit is kicking my fucking ass! I'm sick of it. I'm sick to fucking death of it. I can't read, I can't play, I can't write or chat with my friends. I can't go out on the weekends with my friends or family and if I do I feel such tremendous guilt that I can't think straight for days.

I kind of sort of stopped taking my Depakote. That's the lovely drug that keeps me from chopping my husbands nads off into tiny little pieces and throwing them in my salad. MMM, Peloti Salad. That's and insider joke and I'm not telling. Anyway, I'm sick of taking my meds and I'm rebelling. All I'm doing is taking my Adderall so I can manage to take this exam. My Drug Pusher upped my dosage to 10 mg. Doesn't really do much. Barely tickles my asshole, but at least I can concentrate a little better. Not much better, but I think it's enough. I'm staying up too late at night to study and drinking a large cup of caffeinated coffee in the morning to keep myself up. Works well enough M-Th but by the weekend I'm so burned out that I can't see straight. My brain feels like it's bulging out of my skull and I want to cry each time I click on the next question. I fucking hate it and it's making me hate this industry too.

Rigid's pep talks do little to relieve the pressure that I feel, but I know he's only trying to help. I just want my life to get back to normal for a while. If I don't pass though I won't be able to take a break until I pass. If I get it in my head that I failed and am defeated I'll never get the will to take the test again and again until I pass like everyone else has had to do. I've been told many times that several brokers in our building have taken this exam at least 5 times if not more. It's one of the most difficult exams out there, but if I pass it could end up being one of the most lucrative things I'll end up doing for myself. Not only that, but I'll be able to take any other exam out there available. I could become a financial adviser if I take the series 66 eventually, or even get my commodities license. An ironic career choice for someone that can't save two pennies. Then again...I didn't choose this. It was thrown in my lap. I guess it's up to me to make the most of it. Maybe one day I actually will...
*sidenote: i just decided to post this to GTP when a girl from the 23rd floor dropped by. apparently she failed the exam this weekend with a 59% score. at least i won't feel as bad. even though i've been "studying" much longer than she has. Ooooh I feel evil.

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