Random Thoughts For A Random Life

It's almost time to celebrate my 33rd birthday. I'm not exactly excited about it, but since my exam is coming up the following week I figure I could burn off some excess energy and have a party. Maybe I won't feel so bad in the upcoming week.

My test scores have been abysmal to say the least and I don't expect that they'll increase in the next few days. I'm thinking that if I can't pick up my score even just 10% I'll probably reschedule the exam and give myself another couple of weeks. I have time I believe. I can't remember when my "window" closes, but I think it's in June. That may give me a little more time to study more diligently. Though in truth it simply may not make a difference anymore. See my problem hasn't been learning the material so much as it's been a matter of sticking to a study plan for a long period of time.

If it's not one thing it's another. Anything from someone on the verge of killing themselves to me simply slacking off because I'm just do fucking tired and bored with the work. Still I'm determined to finish what I've started even if it means having to pay $200 each time I retake the exam. In the end it'll be worth it I know it. I have to believe that I'm doing the right thing for myself and my future. At this point I have nothing... All I have is a job. I want a career and I'm never going to have one if I don't grab what's in front of me. What else can a high school drop out hope for?

Things between Rigid and I have been going well. Ever since I talked to his mother about all the things he's put me through I've felt so much more at ease. Just the fact that she understands how I feel is relieving. She knows why I'm on medication and agrees with me. She really made me feel accepted and given our past it was surprising. Actually it was shocking to see how well we got along. I really felt like I had found a friend in her. I hope she feels the same.

The only problem I have right now is that he's not working regularly. At least he's connected with a couple of people. It's just so difficult to have your partner sitting at home cleaning and eating whoppers all day with your cats. It doesn't feel good I'll tell you that, but despite the fact that I'm not on my depakote at the moment I think I'm handling it rather well. I'm still taking my Adderall of course and I'm hoping there are no adverse effects because of it, but I also think that because I've reduced the amount of stress I've been in I'm better able to handle his outbursts. That and there haven't really been many outbursts from either one of us. I'm sure the minute out money begins running out though we'll be back in the same boat.

At least I'll be getting a little money back for my taxes this year. I'm very pleased about that because I really thought I would owe money again. I only just finished paying off a large chunk of last years debt and with this refund I'll be able to pay the remainder plus the stupid ticket I got last year when I bought Rigids anniversary gift in Chinatown. Fucking $79 ticket is now probably close to $200...my fault and there's nothing I can do but pay it before I end up back in court. I know I could fight the increases, but it's not worth it.

I'm hoping I have a good time this weekend. I have to get an RSVP list going by the end of today so I can get a bunch of people in for free to the nightclub were going to. Should be fun. They reserve tables and prop up balloons everywhere for free. You can have up to 20 guests join your party free of charge before 10pm. It's actually a really nice service. A lot of people don't like this place, but I really don't care. I usually only hang out in the smoking section outside anyway since those are the only times I usually smoke.

To think, I'm going to have to quit smoking all over again. I suppose it'll be a process my whole life still...it's a pain in the ass. I know I don't ever see myself quitting and never smoking another cig the rest of my life. That's just not a reality for me, but I certainly don't see myself smoking cigarettes daily. I just don't like it, but the fact that Rigid has also gotten into the habit of smoking his cigars hasn't helped much either. Now we're both smoking in the house. We're going to die a slow and painful death. Maybe when were gray and old and on oxygen tanks we'll take each other out. Huh...I wonder if we'll make it that far?