Saturday, June 2, 2007

Bundle of Nerves

My exam is scheduled for Monday...I'm starting to freak out. I don't want to have to take this test again and fail. I don't want to keep doing this. I know that if I don't do well I'll simply keep on studying until I pass it, but I won't be able to schedule the exam again for another 3 months this time around. That'll be brutal.

I just took something called a Green Light Exam. The way it works is that if you get a score under 70% you shouldn't take the exam. I've been scoring between 74% & 80% on the practice exams at home and I was feeling really confident and now that I've scored so badly on this Green Light Exam I'm not so sure. I want to crawl under a rock and sleep. Just sleep. I don't know whether to take another practice exam tonight or just give up.

I'm so tired and mentally drained that I just don't want to do anything at all anymore. I spent so long on this exam I didn't eat dinner. I had a bowl of cereal 2 hrs ago and now I would very much like to throw up. I hate this. I hate feeling disappointed in myself before I've any real reason to. I've been trying so hard.

I've given up going out with friends, family... I can't remember the last time I saw my niece and nephew. I think it was the day my mom moved into her new place. I haven't really gamed much at all. I think last week was the first time I've played for a whole weekend in nearly a year. A lot of people have stopped talking to me because they probably feel I'm just ignoring them. Well, I'm not going to say that it doesn't bother me because it does, but shit... What the fuck am I supposed to do? Kiss people's ass because I don't want to lose their friendship? Maybe people should be a little more understanding. One things for sure, I'm not torturing myself because I like it.

I don't want to do this anymore.... I don't want to do this anymore!!! I just want my fucking life back.

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