Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Friggin Frackin Failure

A little melodramatic? Perhaps. Yes... Perhaps. Do I give a shit? Fuck no. I failed. I failed in the worst possible way. I had a nightmare that I failed by 1%. Well, that makes is sound like a dream. It wasn't a dream. I mean I dreamt it, but I wasn't dreaming, it was deja vu (is that how you even spell that?). I'm not making much sense I know. A few days ago I had a dream that I was cold, and I was having a hard time making out what was in front of me. Black words were swimming on a white background in front of my very eyes and I couldn't make out what I was reading.
I tried so hard, but I couldn't. Suddenly I realized that I was taking an exam and I had a the worst feeling that I was going to fail by 1%. Just 1 horrible percent. I shuddered, but I tried to pep myself up. I didn't want to sike myself out so I just concentrated as hard as I could to make out the words. There was a quick flash at one point to the end of my exam, and there it was. 69% staring me right in the face. I woke up and forgot about the dream almost as quickly as I opened my eyes.
Sunday, I tried everything I could to relax. I think I tried to game, but I couldn't concentrate. I watched Mission Imossible III, but that movie was highly dissatisfying anyway so I went with my friend to this candle party thing. It ended up taking way longer than I expected and in the end we were out the entire day but it was a nice distraction. The worst thing you can do is sit at home and worry about the exam. We went out to the movies and saw Knocked Up, way funnier than I though and wicked gross. By the time I got home it was so late I had to go to bed.
The next morning I woke up with butterflies in my stomach, but I got dressed and ready to go. I stopped at McDonald's for coffee and breakfast, yeah, probably not the greatest idea, but let's please keep in mind that I'm lazy and can't fend for myself. So armed with a hash brown and Sausage McMuffin I drove myself to the testing center. I almost missed my exit, but I made it in plenty of time. I even started my exam 10 min early. Everything was running smoothly.
I was hot when I got there so I took my jacket off. The place can get extremely cold in there so I know it's best to keep it handy. Too bad some crusty old mummy came in 30 minutes later and took it away from me. We're not allowed to have anything that's not physically on us in the exam room so taking my jacket off was a bad idea. I was so fucking pissed off that was all I kept thinking about for another 30-45 minutes. By this time I'm fucking freezing. My nose is cold, my fingers are cold and nothing I do is warming me up. I can't get that old mummy scent out of my nose either. Something about her hair...I couldn't put my finger on it.
I have about 90 minutes left on the clock and I'm way ahead of schedule here so I'm feeling pretty confident. The questions seemed fairly easy even though there were quite a few I didn't understand at all. I start getting to the options questions, that's the area I had the most trouble in the last exam, and it was a spread. Now there's a little trick I learned about these little buggers and I was sure I'd get the answer right. I wrote out the problem and just as I started making my deductions the stupid ass alarm goes off. Fire alarm. I wanted to tell the floor supervisor to kiss my ass, but they promised we'd start back where we left off. I walked with everyone down 6 floors and as soon as we were out of the building and in the clear I lit up a cigarette. That's when I realized that people were already starting to walk inside. I overheard a man at the door say that someone left popcorn in the microwave too long and it triggered the alarm.
I was livid. After a few puffs I put my cigarette out and went inside. I immediately regretted doing that because the lobby was packed full of people trying to get back to work. I waited as patiently as I could, but I was crawling out of my skin. We all eventually made it back upstairs. The floor supervisor was checking everyone in one by one. They can't just let everyone back on the exam, they have to be set up properly. Every single one of us had to be checked back in one by one. I was fucking PISSED. Finally we were all checked in and I started my exam. Of course I did lose a minute, but it was only a minute. Thing is that I suddenly realized that my time wasn't as okay as I thought and if I didn't start answering some questions quickly I was going to be pushing my time.
I'm sure I miscalculated at some point because I ended up having 20 min left on that exam. I went back and checked a few answers, but for the most part, no changes needed to be made. Mostly because there was no point in changing something I don't know the answer to. The second exam was very difficult for me. I ended up taking a lot longer to answer each question than before. I had to rush through a few questions, but all in all there wasn't much I could do about the ones I didn't know. I only had about 10 minutes left on that exam when I finished and I was sure I failed it miserably. With the precious few minutes I had left I checked some of the questions that I had answered too quickly. I did change a few answers. I tried as hard as I could to commit them to memory so I could be positive that changed them to the right answer. For the most part I think I did, though there were a few questions that I wasn't sure about at all.
Probably shouldn't have bothered changing anything at all because now I can't stop thinking that maybe I would have passed. Maybe my score would have been even less. Who knows.
I walked out of the testing center feeling so demoralized. I barely made it into the elevator without shedding a tear. I tried to hold it all in. I could feel the torrent coming, but I tried to be strong. There was nothing I could do, the tears started to slowly burn their way down my cheeks. I quickly brushed them aside, and tried to remember that I did my very best. I walked out of the elevator and made my way through the double doors towards my car. Finally out in the clear blue sky, wind blowing my hair the torrent came in a horrible wave and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Thank god everyone was too busy to notice or care.
By the time I made it to the car I was hysterical. I kept staring at that piece of paper that told me what my score was and I couldn't believe it. It was just like my dream. I dreamt the whole thing and I forgot about it. I felt the chill of it by the second exam. I remember it clearly. It was like a cold silvery hand at the back of my neck chilling me to the bone. I was glad I had my jacket on at the time. I remembered my dream, but I tried to talk myself out of it by telling myself that I was being silly and trying to sike myself out. I tried to be positive and have a "the devil may care" attitude about it, but I guess it didn't work.
I called Rigid and lit a cigarette, thank god for headsets. I don't know how I made it home, but I did. I could barely see out of my glasses. They were full of mascara and tears. By the time I got home my face was half black with eyeliner and mascara. How I was able to drive like that I will never know. I was despondent, inconsolable....woebegone. HAHAHA, I like that word...Woebegone. That was me. Depressed and cheerless. Completely gray. I kept thinking that it would go away you know. That awful feeling of failure. The awful truth of it would fade away, but it wasn't fading very fast.
Rigid tried to cheer me up in so many ways. One of which was to tell me over and over again how very silly it was to get so upset. He kept asking me why I was so upset and telling me I shouldn't let it get me down. I remember screaming that I had every god damned right to be upset and that it was okay that I was crying. What the fuck else should I do to stop feeling so horrible? Cut my throat? The only think I wanted from him was a little sympathy, not a fucking pep talk. You never want a pep talk after you've failed at something. You just want someone to pat you on the back and give you a hug and kiss and tell you everything will be okay. But as usual I had to tell him. It's okay, I don't expect him to be a mind reader and he does the best he can.
Well, until he doesn't feel like it anymore but that's another story isn't it. One which I'll leave for tomorrow. Right now, I'm very happy. I can take the exam in a month. See, I was hysterical because I didn't want to have to wait 3 months to take the exam again. There's no way I'd retain everything in my brain for that long, but turns out I can take it in another 30 days. I just spoke to my supervisor and he said that the next time I take it I'm sure to pass if I keep up my good study habits. He's always reassuring me that I'm not the only one this has happened to. He has to check new brokers CRD records and he says that almost all of them have at least 2 fails and by the third exam they pass. I know it's supposed to make me feel better and it sort of does, but I still feel pretty crappy...crappy and good at the same time.
I'm trotting off now. (see...cause i'm getting back on the horse get it??? i know...i'm funny. lol)

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