Wednesday, August 8, 2007

An Angry Wife

XBrood Live: An Angry Wife

Thursday, April 13, 2006

An Angry Wife

Is there a manual that husbands get when they get married that give them specific instructions on how to piss their wives off to no end? HUH??? What do you have to do to get your husband to LISTEN to you. Most of you know I met my husband through playing on Xbox Live. I’ve met a few people that way not all to have sex with mind you, but in this instance it just worked out that way. I often joke about the way we met. When people ask me how it came to be that we got together I just tell them I left my ex-husband because I wanted a baby maker and I imported one from England. Usually the look of shock and horror in people’s faces is enough to keep me pretty fucking happy for the next two weeks.

He loves the attention and I hate it so you’ll usually get a really awful and sarcastic remark out of me. How is it that in person I can’t stand that kind of attention, but online I’m an attention whore. Or is it actually that I’m always an attention whore and I’m just deluding myself into believing otherwise? I shall have to consult a friend on this, but back to why I hate my husband.

I may have told a few of you that I was going to be watching my niece and nephew this weekend. You can hear little snippets regarding the trip on the MoBlog. (GAG I’m eating lasagna and it has rosemary in it. I fucking HATE rosmary. Who ever thought of this herb???) Well, I’ve been warning Rigid about the trip my sister was taking to Las Vegas two full weeks before so that when the time came to go to Knotts, Chuck-e-Cheese’s, The Zoo and the Movies he wouldn’t freak the hell out on me. He then warned me that he wouldn’t be around the entire weekend because he’d be working. Not most likely, but WILL BE working. I want to be an understanding wife. We have some rather large traffic tickets to pay (that he incurred of course) and bills are stacking up so If I have to make do without him on the weekend well… so be it right?

Fine, but did he have to tell me fifty thousand times for the next two weeks? I eventually told him that whatever the case may be If I need him he’ll be there if anything for Knotts. You have to understand, my nephew is an autistic 7 year old and my niece is 3. That’s a horrible combination and a dangerous one at that. Although my niece has better communication skills than my nephew she’s still only 3 and if she decides to book it she’ll run faster than a midget monkey on crack. So if they both run whom do I go after my niece or nephew? The thought was too horrible to imagine. We fought several times about it, but I let him know that if it came to it we’d spend an entire day at a park if we had to. You think I’m crazy, but my nephew has to keep busy or he’ll get bored and agitated in which case he’ll resort to pummeling his face into a bloody stump on a wall or biting his arms until he bleeds. And I didn’t fancy sitting my fat ass on my nephew in public.

The day of my sisters trip eventually came. Rigid and I fought a few more times over it, but I mean can you blame my sister for going to Las Vegas to see her best friend get married? She has never left those kids on their own and I was more than happy to take care of them. She left me plenty of money and I was planning on having loads of fun with them. Yes, I was nervous. I’ve taken my nephew out before, but I always had someone with me. I’ve never taken them both by myself. And it was great guys. You’d be so proud of me. We had a fantastic time at the movies Friday night. I loved watching them react to Ice Age. My niece was pretending to bite her nails when the squirell was plugging the holes. My nephew was laughing out loud and eating his candy. He even shared! Yeah, it got a little scary when he kept trying to run away at the end. Sometimes he forgets to tell you he has to go to the bathroom. Autistics always wonder why you can’t just read their minds I think. We left happy though.

Trips in the car were amusing. They don’t listen to this stuff, but I had them signing to The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Franz Ferdinand… Whats that “Walk Like an Egyptian” song? Sometimes they were a pain in the arse and they did make confetti in the back of my sisters car with some cereal they got their hands on, but all in all they were good to me.

I was on my own on Saturday too and I was really worried that no one would be able to go with me to Knotts on Sunday, but Rigid let me know he’d be able to make it. At least he wasn’t a jerk about it. So Saturday we went to the Zoo all on our own. I got a double stroller and shoved them around all over the park. That pooped me out. I mean I sit on a couch and play video games or watch movies. Being out in the sun is like… well being out in the sun. It’s hot. After the zoo we went to Chuck-e-Cheese’s to visit their aunt on their dad’s side. She’s recently turned 18 and works a Chucks to supplement her pre-College income. Now that was tough. I actually heard from my sister that the employees were making fun of the fact that I was out with them by myself on top of the fact that it was my very first time. Well, I don’t blame them because the minute I got there I pretty much lost my nephew. After I got their tokens they both split in different direction in the arcade. All I did was go put a token in my niece’s bus. I turned back around and he was gone. Just like that. Poof… like Darkman.

Luckily I didn’t panic. Well, I did spend the next 15 minutes looking around anxiously, but since they stamp each family with the same numbers I knew they wouldn’t let him out with anyone else but me. Sure enough the next time I went to put another token in one of my niece’s games he came bounding out of this massive tube and jumped me for a hug and a token. I felt great. I eventually got the hang of it and let them come to me while I finished the pizza we ordered. I’m a quick study. Granted, I nearly knocked out a woman who got in my nephews face for hitting her son, but she walked away with a firm nudge on the arm and a newfound knowledge of autism. That and to my utter and complete horror my niece peed’ in the middle of the arcade right on the floor. I saved the day with a clean pair of undies and my nephews boxer shorts which luckily matched her outfit perfectly. After Chuck-e-Cheese’s I even had the energy to take them to the park! I’m a good auntie.

It wasn’t until Sunday that Rigid and I hit another snag. I woke up first and thought I’d let him sleep in a little until it was time to go being that he worked the night before until around 7pm. When he finally decided to get up I let him know that we’d have to leave to pick up the kids soon. That’s when he decided to take another shit on me. Why didn’t I do his laundry when I woke up? Now he wouldn’t be able to go to work the next day because he has no clothes. Mind you, he’s covered in plaster or paint or whatever those people are doing and it wouldn’t have been the first time he’s worn the same thing two days in a row, but now he wouldn’t be able to work at all. How does this make sense to him!? Well it makes perfect sense because he’d asked me the night before to wash his clothes when I got home. Let me pause here for dramatic effect. This is the point in time when I get this beautifully sarcastic look on my face the likes of which you’ve seen on your wifes face (or will see) many a time. Say it with me folks. What the fat fuck? (WTFF)

I’ll leave out all the wonderful expletives I’m so darn good at because we’ll be here all day. And trust me it’s been a hell of a week. After that he then decides to let me know he’ll need an hour to get a hair cut… So after I removed the giant piece of turd that made it into my pants I told him to go do his laundry and get his fucking haircut while I do my make up and fuck it if my niece and nephew wake up and eat my mother alive through sheer boredom. Well like any wife fearing husband, note the choice not to use god, he took it all back and said, “No, lets go take the kids to Knotts Poppette!”, but it was too late. Too, too, too late and I lost my mother fucking mind.

“No, I don’t want to do my fucking laundry. You say to do it then I do it then you divorce me! No let’s just go to fucking Knotts. Fuck it.” (The sound of creeky wheels turning. Cogs-a-churnin’…something he says will turn out right at some point right?)

“No fuck you. Do your fucking laundry. We’ll fucking wait for you okay? Fuck it okay?? DO YOUR FUCKING LAUNDRY!!!!” (Can you hear sizzling eggs on the floor. Yeah… that’s my brain.)

He firmly refused to do his laundry so I vehemently refused to get up from the couch. So while the laundry was being done I was busying myself by staring at the wall as Rigid sat locked in the bedroom trying to ignore his insane wife by watching TV. We remember the last time that happened right? Well I didn’t bust down the door like I wanted to. I didn’t choke him with my Xbox controller. I didn’t drown him in a puddle of his own blood. No. I sat there and wondered why I was doing this to myself. I asked myself how it was worth it to do this to myself over and over again. This isn’t what fairytales are made of. So I cried and cried until my cries became sobs. I sobbed and sobbed until my sobs became something else. Something familiar. Choking. I choked and choked on my sobs as Rigid came out of the room. He asked me why I was crying which made me choke on my tears even more. I sat there looking at him telling myself no one could blame me. No one could blame me if I took it all back right now.

By this time though I knew the thoughts in my head weren’t mine. And he knew just what to do. He held me and rocked me and spoke so very softly to me. Reassured me that everything would be all right. That the laundry was almost done and as soon as it was we’d pick up the kids and have a great time at Knotts. He kissed me over and over again. Sweet little kisses. In the end I was fine. I got over my anxiety attack as usual and we had a great time at Knotts just like he promised. My niece and nephew absolutely adore their uncle and if I can one day manage to stop letting Rigid throw me into a fit I think we’ll be good parents one day… Maybe.

Posted by Maharet at 9:48 AM

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