XBrood Live: A Letter to Daddy
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
My sister called me frantic and crying on Saturday. She said my fathers new girlfriend has been calling her and telling her that they're going to come visit very soon. That he's been beaten up and his ribs are broken, that they almost stole his big rig and he hasn't been able to work. Then she got to the kicker... she hasn't gotten paid and they hadn't eaten in two days. When my sister told me that I asked her just what the hell did they think we were going to do for them?
Apparetnly they were going to drive up here to pick up some money.... .... yeah. Oh, that and get my mom to sign divorce paperwork. .... .... yeah. I haven't seen the man since I was 17. I heard him once last year when he finally contacted my sister. Well, my sister was very confused and things got all honked up. I'm really angry and decided I should write him a little letter. Sorry it's not so little. There's more up on the MoBlog.
I'm putting this in the mail today... I hope he likes it.
Take a read....
August 1, 2006
Miguel A. Sule
1912 E 17th Street
Oakland, CA 94606
My sister called me on Saturday to tell me that you were hungry. I can’t really understand why you would call my mother and sister for something like that. I gather your thanking your lucky stars that they’re as giving as they are and must be feeling rather thankful. I just wanted to remind you of certain events that took place in our lives… So you don’t forget. I haven’t and never will.
I remember some of the beatings you gave my mother. I carry those visions with me every single day of my life. I remember her beautiful long hair and the day she chopped it all off. She had bruises on her chest. She used to cry a lot back then. I remember the gun you pulled on her and how you dragged her out by her long hair from a car, right in front of my sister and I. I remember that you pulled my pants down and rubbed me from behind with your penis. I told you you’d be surprised to know what I can remember, didn’t I?
I remember you holding a television over my mother’s head threatening to kill her with it as she sat their crying and screaming at you daring you to do it, “Aslo! Aslo Miguel!!!”. I ran out and begged you to stop and I remember how you knelt down to me, kissed away my tears and told me everything would be okay. I also remember a day when I was playing with a little black boy and you spanked me so hard I pissed my pants. Did you know I had learned to tie my shoe that day? I could be wrong. You disappeared from our lives and my mother left that apartment in Fallbrook taking us all to Los Angeles to live with my aunt. I don’t know what you were doing there or why she would have let you stay. Either the drugs were great or the money was… Perhaps you fucked her too. I don’t care.
I hope you realize I’m only giving you a summary of the things I can remember. Not long after one of the times you “came home” in Fallbrook I became the victim of sexual abuse by one of your victims. I continued to be molested until the age of 10. It probably started when I was around 5 or 6 years old thereabouts. Which is about the time that you had molested me. I don’t know if you ever did anything before that and I don’t care because one memory is one memory too many don’t you agree?
I can remember the day you finally came through and brought me that television you promised me (I didn’t forget that you took my little TV to give it to the other woman you were fucking.). You also brought an RCA movie player. I remember shopping for the disks. I don’t know why I can remember that, but thank you for that. It was among one of the most special memories I have of you, other than your kisses and hugs. I also watched the Godfather a million times. Dead horse heads are cool… thanks for that too. You disappeared again, but came back to that condo back in Cudahy for my sister’s birthday. Thanks for hitting me so hard you made me pee my pants again. I know it was my responsibility to look out for my little sister and I let you down. That never happened again you’d be proud to know. I know that you and mom were the adults and were responsible for our wellbeing, but if you hadn’t disciplined me (for what the fifth time in your life?) who knows what kind of crack whore I would be.
And then you were gone… again. You didn’t reappear until I was 16 and happily trying to get over all of my childhood traumas with my 25th and sort of permanent boyfriend. For some reason the likes of which I still don’t understand my mother in all her infinite-fucking-wisdom wanted to try and make things work again. I know she was desperate for money, love and affection, but really it would probably have been better to whore me out than to have you do what you did to us. We moved ALL of our belongings to be with you in Fallbrook again. Remember? Dad, we moved ALL of our belongings to FALLBROOK to be with your DO YOU REMEMBER? We lost everything because of you DO YOU REMEMBER? We LOST EVERYTHING BECAUSE OF YOU. I know you didn’t forget. We came back from that penniless and homeless all thanks to you. Yes, mom had something to do with it too. She was irresponsible for thinking that she could make things work with you again yes… it’s true, but you’re a MAN… and I use the term about as loosely as you used your anus in jail.
After that we hopped around from home to home. A homeless mother with 2 young children running around from garage to garage or room to room trying to live like normal people in other peoples homes. My sister slept on maggots one day and I popped a micro-waved egg in my face. I don’t know why I micro-waved it. Probably because my sister and I were so FUCKING hungry and we didn’t have a stove and couldn’t figure out how to boil an egg in the MICROWAVE. After that you came back yet again and stayed with us for about a day or so at a shack behind someone’s home. By the way, why were you looking for David at the Pizza hut? He was there you know, warned me you were in town. We figured you’d come fuck mom and leave soon enough. I can’t remember… did you give mom money or did you ask her for some? Did you buy groceries that day? Milk for my sister? I can’t remember.
I want you to know something. After my shameful secret came out when I was 10 I spent the next few years trying to get rid of my virginity… after all it wasn’t like I was actually a virgin anymore right? I bled the day my mother found out what was happening to me. No one ever did anything about it and I lived the rest of my teenage years feeling like a fucking whore leper because no one was supposed to know what happened to me. The family would never find out. My mother blamed herself for not having given herself to you when you got out of jail after she had Gloria. She was still stitched up, but you were ready to prove your manhood and give her some. I guess the penis all those years just didn’t do it for you, but wait… instead of sticking your cock in my mom you did it to her little brother and he proceeded to molest me for the next few years. I wondered why he would have done that for years. I finally put it together when I was told he was first molested by you and thank god because I finally stopped torturing myself by thinking I asked for it. It took a very long time for me not to hate him for doing that to me… and you because truly, he didn’t do it as revenge for what you did to him. You fucked him up alright and he was only a little boy too. I always though he was the monster and never quite placed the blame directly on you as I should have, now I know better.
You ruined our lives and robbed my mother of her innocence and virtue. I would love to tell you that despite all of the things you did to us that we have a wonderful life and are doing just fine, but I can’t. I’m compelled to give you the satisfaction of having ruined us as a family. My mother has been an alcoholic ever since she left Fallbrook the first time around. She spent a few years after that trying to get help, but I was so young and didn’t understand her plight. We never learned how to communicate properly either so calling her a drunk to her face probably didn’t help her very delicate psyche. She’s never recovered from that and is now a mere shadow of the beauty she once was. Thank you for that. My mom has no fucking teeth man. How could you ask us for anything? Where the fuck were you when we were going hungry? Am I supposed to believe that perhaps you sent mom money here and there? If you did, thanks… a lot. I never saw a penny of it.
My LITTLE sister is bi-polar and probably a little schizophrenic, her son is autistic, her daughter is having language delays because her son is autistic, she nearly lost her partner 2 years ago due to diabetes and she lives with my very drunk and very dysfunctional mother. Please tell me how it is that you can justify asking HER FOR MONEY? How can you have your new woman call them to ask them for money? Did you put a gun to her head too because I have a hard time believing that your stupid mother-fucking girlfriend would actually be idiotic enough to do something behind your back. Did you think we were idiots; A bunch of female morons just waiting to be taken advantage of? WHAT? Help me understand how it is that you thought we could be that stupid? My mother misunderstood us and sent you money because my sister was confused about her feelings. You go to her because you know that she doesn’t remember the things you did, because deep down in her heart she loves you more than anyone in your entire life ever will and you took advantage of that! Is it her problem that you’re a heroin addict? Is it her problem that you supposedly had a near death experience? Not really. I know you understand that.
I always fancied the idea that the reason you stayed out of our lives, the reason you robbed us of your much needed presence and affection is because you knew you were a worthless piece of shit that would NEVER amount to anything and absolutely NOTHING good would ever come of you being around us. I thought that perhaps you knew that you would ruin us even further with your presence and did the only altruistic thing you could ever in your life manage to do. Stay away from us. But then you came back and fucked up that thought in my head. Can you do me a favor and fix that? Can you manage to stay the hell away from my family and leave them the fuck alone once and for all? Do you realize that the one and only thing you could ever do right would be to disappear and let my mother collect your social security so she could live the last few years she has left in peace? That would be one of the only things that you could do for her that would mean something that and never calling them again. I have to go now. I’d love to chat with you further about how fucked up my life has turned out, but you know… It’s not all that bad. I’m doing rather well.
I’m into my second marriage and were hoping to have a family soon. I only have this one little problem. Rage, a rage that I don’t know what to do with or how to get rid of. Hitting my husband doesn’t seem to be helping and hitting myself… well, that sucks too. Bi-polar disorder runs on my moms side of the family, I wonder what disorders run in yours? Because I don’t think I’m bi-polar daddy. I think I’m what you would call a “product of my environment” don’t you?
Yeah…. Thanks for that too. I’ll be going on medication soon I think. I have a Dr.’s appointment this month. That’ll be the second time I’ve seen the psychiatrist as an adult. Mom tried taking us when we were children, I’m sure you know that though. It didn’t work out very well. I’ve dealt with some serious anxiety problems. I used to cut my skin when I was young, I couldn’t figure out why that would feel so good. Nothing made me feel better. When my mom found out what I was doing she thought I was getting into gangs and rubbed my skin raw where I cut myself with Ajax, soap and hot water. I still cut myself, but I learned to hide it better though not because what she did hurt me physically or even emotionally. I didn’t want to hurt her like that. My sister, I found later in life, also cut herself. But you see, she has less control than I do and slashed her self all over. Her legs have been ripped open up and down them and her arms as well. She was hospitalized a few years ago because she tried to kill herself. Medication and alcohol don’t mix well. I’m sure you know that.
There’s so much you don’t know and so much more I want to tell you, but I honestly don’t know if you’ll even get this letter let alone read it this far along. You’ve missed a hell of a lot and you’ll never get that time back. I doubt very much that there is ever going to be anything you could ever do to rectify this don’t you? The damage you’ve caused us mentally is more than you can imagine… you can never fix this. The more you come around the worse you will make it. The more you beg for money the worse things will get for us here.
You didn’t actually think we fell for it did you? I mean as I said earlier I seriously doubt your current girlfriend would be IDIOTIC enough to do something behind your back. Did you really think we believed her? I know that if you truly were unaware that your stupid bitch was asking for money behind your back all I had to do was pick up the phone and tell you what she was doing. I know that if you really didn’t know you’d turn around and beat the living shit out of her. Remember dad we are YOUR daughters. You may not have been in our lives but you’ve affected us and in the worst possible way. Trust me when I say that I could be capable of almost ANYTHING you can do and HAVE done. I say almost because molesting a kid just ‘ain’t my bag ya’know?
I’ve attached a few names and addresses of some safe houses and homeless shelters in case you ever decide to go “hungry” again you should know that these places are all within walking distance of you. You must live in a really shit area. Some of them provide drug counseling, food vouchers and rental assistance. I suggest that you utilize these facilities rather than bother the family you discarded so many years ago and so many times. If your current girlfriend thinks she’s going to get anything out of you well… she doesn’t know you very well and I’m pretty sure she’s going to learn fairly soon. I hope she doesn’t have any children that live with her because you, my dear father, are only out for yourself and that is the way you will be until the day you die. Instead of begging a broken old woman for money go out and get for it in the street like the animal you are. Whore your supposed “councilor” out for your heroin or crack. Pigs like you will fuck anything so I know you can make some cash from that quite easily.
Love always and forever even after you croak… You know, that’s the sick part about it isn’t it? Despite all the shitty things you did to us and all the emotional damage you did I still love you. HEY, is that why you never called me? Is it because the very look in my eyes makes you quiver with guilt and anguish? Or is it because you truly don’t give a shit and you know you couldn’t possibly take advantage of me so what’s the point? You know I fucking hate you JUST as much don’t you? It’s all part of the sick twisted cycle isn’t it? Do your best to break it dad. Break the cycle, I know you can do it. Don’t worry; I’ll go to your funeral… I might even cry.
Your loving daughter despising you forever,
Michelle Sule (insert married name here)
PS: Overdosing is always an option. :)
Posted by Maharet at 12:12 PM