Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Making a Gamer Girlfriend

XBrood Live: Making a Gamer Girlfriend

Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Making a Gamer Girlfriend

I haven’t much to say today(wow, was that an understatement). I haven’t argued with Rigid since the other day so things are going along smoothly. Course, there’s a reason for that. A reason that’s only just appeared this morning and won’t go away for another 4-6 days and will most likely reappear next month and the month after that and the month after that. It sucks being a girl. What really sucks is being a girl gamer. I do get tired of the endless questions.

A few of my favorites are,

Some 13 year old: Is that your boyfriends box your playing on?
Me: No
Some 13 year old: Your husband taught you to play huh.
Me: No
Some 13 year old: Hey Mmm… mm..MAEH…HAI…RAT…How old are you?
Me: MAH-HA-RET and old enough to be your mom.
Some 13 year old: So how long have you been playing?
Me: A lot longer than you’ve been born.
Some 13 year old: Hey, you’re a girl. You should suck my balls not play video games. Girls can’t play they should be making dinner.
Me: ….Why don’t you go suck you Dad’s balls and try to crawl back up your Mom’s twat so you can shut the fuck up and let me play. Fucking moron mongoloid fucktard little shit!

Oops, sorry, I’m starting to have some ugly flashbacks here. Mind you, I don’t condone speaking to minors that way either! I think it’s awful tainting our poor children’s minds. They are after all our future. ‘Course I know plenty of parents that wouldn’t actually be idiotic enough to let their babies play such games as I, a mature adult, play. Not that the little rant up there qualifies for any sort of maturity. Anyway, ahem. Back to the issue at hand.

I’ve heard so many complaints lately about men and their women. For the most part most of you have wives who don’t play at all and don’t at all comprehend the whole concept of video gaming. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand someone else’s hobby when you don’t share the same interest or obsession. Yes, it’s an obsession. An obsession I very well understand. You’ll come to find that I have several of them though none as severe as gaming. Granted, I don’t spend an unbelievable amount of money on video games and toys. No… Just unbelievable amounts of time. Time that lately hasn’t been all that available to me lately and that’s been really tough.

I keep getting fragmented here so I’ll get to my point. I’d love to see more of my “guy” friends bring their wives and girlfriends online with us. The whole concept behind “The Brood” was to be an online gaming community. In the beginning it was all about meeting and greeting other gamers. Well, my site has since been drowned out by thousands of other gamers doing exactly the same thing. Regardless of this The Brood lives on! I’d like you all to rally together and make our little Brood stronger. Bring your wives online and let’s have us some good clean (although extremely pottymouthed) fun!

I’ve played with my friend Vi0l8r for years now. His wife too was a non-gamer. He often stayed up late at night gaming with us while his wife slept - sometimes for days on end. I wondered how the hell he got away with that. Just ask Rigid if he can stay up all hours of the night video gaming. Even I don’t stand for that. I need warmth damn it! Otherwise I would be single right? Well, I eventually convinced him to make his wife play with us. Turns out she was game to the whole idea. She had at some point given up on the idea that gaming was a bad thing and ended up embracing the whole thing. Turns out she had a blast playing with us and we’ve been really great friends ever since. We talk to each other all the time. Especially when I’m fighting with my husband. She’s been a great source of calm for me and has helped me through some really tough times. I hope I’ve been equally as helpful especially when it comes to putting that dirty Vi0l8r in his place! Just kidding Vi!!!!

So guys, find a nice way to get your wives into playing. You have to make it a lot of fun for them to hook them in. It has to be an experience they can thoroughly enjoy with you even if it means you’ll have to take the fall each and every time (for a while). I’ve helped turn some unbelievably girly girls into heavy hitters on halo. Just because they're girls doesn’t mean they don’t like blowing their boyfriends brains out. In fact it will become a ritual they’ll relish each and every day once they get the hang of it. Beating your boyfriend in a video game can be a great ego boost. Just don’t tell them you let them beat you… Once they get better that is!

First let them know the game is a little scary, but that they shouldn’t get too nervous if they’re very jumpy. Or just describe the type of game it is. Make sure you sit down with munchies and drinkies before you get started. Turn the sound up too. Let them go through all the start up menus, everything so that if they ever get the desire to they can get a game started on their own. Next tell them what each button does. They don’t have to memorize it just get a basic idea behind all the functions. Set the game to EASY always. The buttons you do want to make sure they have memorized are the analog sticks. Running is going to be something they’re going to get good at really fast! Next will be swinging and shooting.

I wouldn’t bother with trainging modes. Just get right into the game to get started and very slowly walk them through it. The great thing is that you can purposely drive them to areas you know monsters will come out to chase them. The reaction you’ll get will be unbelievably satisfying. You should have your wife or girlfriend screaming her ass off in no time and loving every minute of it! Just remember that the joyful experience will come from YOU, the tour guide from hell.

Here are a few of the games I used to turn my friends into Snipers, Treasure Hunters and Demon Slayers.

Silent Hill: I used the original game on my sister and a couple of other girlfriends to get them really into the gaming experience. The game pretty much sets you up from the beginning to turn into a screamy jumpy little girl. Make sure your girl knows how to basically maneuver the char just enough so she can go through the first few walkways and get the surprise of her life. When the little people start trying to munch on her tell her to fight back and when she “dies” pretend you’re surprised. Let her enjoy the movie sequence (make sure she knows that if you hit the “X” buttion she may go past the movies and not to touch it yet.) because you’ll find that we’re more involved with the story than the actual game. After that it’s a piece of cake. She’ll basically understand how to run, save, shoot and open doors so long as your patient enough.

Tomb Raider: I got my sister into this game as well. Basically using the same tricks as in Silent Hill. I taught her the controls then sent her on her way. I did give a little assistance when needed, but basically just let them figure everything out. You can pause them to give them a few pointers. (They should be familiar with the pause button in case of emergency!) In this game I had fun watching my sister flounder around in the tiger area at the beginning of the game. I honestly can’t remember if it’s the first or second title, but there’s an area that you have to cross over a tiger pit. I laughed my ass off as I saw my sister fall into it. I screamed for her to run or the tigers would eat her. She got so nervous she nearly peed her pants laughing.

Halo: Now this is a great one and it’s not easy to get girls into these games. They can be so very intimidating. Especially when you’re in a room full of guys that have been playing games just like it for years before you. I was NOT into fps games. In fact I hated them because they just seemed too mindless, BUT what really changed the experience for me was the gamer interaction. Playing on system link was the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank an old friends boyfriend for that. To get more of my girlfriends to play this type of game we all get together and put on the pressure. Create a char with a fun name that they’d like. Put plenty of thought into this one. Girls love a great name. (‘Course it could just be me and I’m a dork.) Next, familiarize them with the controllers. Punching, shooting, jumping and running are the only things they really need to know at first. If you can get together with loads of people do it. It’s more fun! Let everyone know to stay away from the new player and make sure they know to take a dive when she rolls around. She’ll learn how to punch and shoot this way. After she gets the hang of it throw her into the fray and have at it.

The important thing here is to have fun with your mate doing something you both can share and love together! It’s truly easy once you get the hang of it, but it really does depend on you as a more experienced gamer to patiently walk her through all the things you can do with your eyes closed. Remember that when gaming with each other YOU should NOT be concentrating on winning, but on making it an unbelievably great experience for her each and every single time. Think of it in “knight in shining armor” type terms. If you can do that… by god you can do anything!

Posted by Maharet at 12:57 PM

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