XBrood Live: Mother's Day With Charlie
Thursday, May 25, 2006
I don’t quite understand what’s going on. We haven’t gotten into an argument of any significance since my last post. This seems to have left me in a bit of a quandary. I’ve nothing to write about. Granted the week before last I was pretty much ready to go through with it. I was ready to go on birth control and see my psychiatrist, but in the end we always worked things out. Very strange things are a footsfoots. (You must watch Gummo )
Ohoho! Don’t let the serenity fool you. NO. We’re still fighting all right. We’re just getting over it faster. It could have something to do with Rigid simply giving in much more often much faster than before. That and I may be communicating a bit better pre-freakout.
Take this for example.
Mother’s Day. Last year I was pregnant for Mother’s Day. I can hear everyone’s brains collectively going “Aaaaaaahaaaaaa!” Yeah, I’m quite aware of he significance that could have had on my pre-mother’s day psyche this year. I was pregnant, but in all actuality I was losing the pregnancy and didn’t know it yet. In the end I lost it, as some of you already know, and I dealt with it the only way I knew how. I shut it out. Because I shut out the pain and no amount of crying helped, I reacted very badly to everything in my environment. Who is constantly in my immediate environment nearly every min of the day? Rigid. Who constantly pisses me off with the most insane opinions on life? Rigid. Who finds it easy to antagonize me in ways I never thought humanly possible so much so that I feel an intense urge to YANK out my eyeballs by the sockets and RIP the flesh of my scalp by the ends of MY HAIR!!!! Yeah…. Him.
So I’ve had a rough couple of years, BFD. I’m trying to get over it and here comes Mother’s Day. I hadn’t even realized it. Didn’t want to think about it I just busied myself with work, the Brood, the Blogs and fighting… Lot’s of fighting. But it came, holidays being the unavoidable entities that they are. Rigid wanted to do something special for me to cheer me up. He thought he’d take my mother and I out to lunch. What a fabulous idea. It was last minute true, but it was nice. I talked to my sister and let her know Rigid wanted to take mom out. “Rigid does?” she said with an air of incredulity in her voice.
“Yeah, he wants to take her out to lunch…” I said already feeling the tension spring up in my chest. “Oh.” She exaled sharply and said, “Well, IIIIIIsaac wants to have a BBQ for us so we can aaaaall celebrate Mother’s Day.” Cue the psycho music. Non-medicated person alert! Non-medicated person alert!! “Umm, okay.” I said as my heart thudded in my throat. “We’ll just do that then. I’m going to the mall to pick something up instead. I’ll talk to you later okay byeee.” I really wanted to hang up on her, but she said, “Oh, are you sure?” suddenly as though she felt guilty for speaking to me that way. She always feels guilty, but never actually says anything about it. On a rare occasion she’ll apologize and remind me that she’s not on medication so she’s a little grumpy. I said, “No that’s fine. Okay I gotta go. Bye.” That was it. I didn’t even think about it anymore. That’s life with my family. Plus I figured it was a last minute thing and if they already had plans then who am I. There’s always dinner.
Rigid saw I was quite visibly upset so when I told him what we were doing he didn’t reply with, ‘That’s okay honey we’ll just go for a couple of hours and we can take your mom out to Dinner/Lunch/Breakfast any old time.’ No he was angry. What he was most angry about was the fact that I didn’t do or say anything about it. Something he has yet to understand about me. I don’t let people walk all over me. Even when it seems like that’s exactly what they’re doing. I told him that we could change our plans, be flexible and take her out to dinner if we wanted to. No. He didn’t want to do that and by this time we were driving around in circles in our city because we didn’t know what to do first. Eat out or go shopping for a Mother’s Day gift. At that point I’d lost my appetite and he wouldn’t relent so I asked him to please drive us home so he can drop himself off and let me shop in peace, visit my family and just come the hell back home.
Well, he tried to fight me on it but eventually gave in and just silently turned the car around. I tried not to become more infuriated with him. I know that things like this can be dangerous because I could actually be saying something I don’t mean. Yeah, I want him to turn the car around and take himself back home… Or do I? Don’t I actually just want him to be more understanding and stop accusing me of being someone’s punching bag? Don’t I actually just wish he’d tell me I did the right thing and just take me shopping for a present? Wasn’t I really just leading him into a trap by giving him the option of going home instead of facing the problem and solving it right then and there? Yes, yes and yes. Still I didn’t stop him and home we went. I sat there fuming at every second that ticked by and every inch we moved forward. The anger building and building inside of me as we drove back home. Inside my head I was calling him every name imaginable, questioning why I was still married to him, and wondering how long I could go on like this. How could I expect him to know that all I wanted was for him to tell me he was sorry and just chill the fuck out and go shopping or eating or WHATEVER. This is how. “YOU STUIPID SON OF A BITCH! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR. You’re an asshole.” I exlaimed while I got out of the car and into the drivers seat. I can’t remember what he said to me and it doesn’t matter because he went inside and I left. I think he screamed, “That’s right drive like an idiot and kill yourself.” As the sound of screeching tires pierced the air down the driveway. The main driveway was blocked and I was ready to truck those people down but I made a right towards the other driveway instead. The less used driveway. I was shaking and so angry though that I knew I couldn’t safely drive ANYWHERE at that point. I realized that I needed Rigid more than anything and that if I drove out on my own I honestly would end up killing myself or someone else.
I dialed the home number. “GET THE FUCK IN THE CAR NOW! NOW!” “Okay fine.” don’t worry there was plenty of attitude behind that too. There he came down the driveway just strutting to the car. “You’re a jerk Rigid! This is bullshit!” and I rocket out of the driveway. He made a comment about the way I was driving so I pulled over right away and let out a big sigh. There we sat by the curb in the car while I let him have it. He gave it to me right back though and I knew we weren’t going to get anywhere. So I acknowledged why he was upset and explained why I have to be that way with my family and when he still didn’t feel like GETTING it I simply said, “CALM ME DOWN RIGHT NOW RIGID! Calm me down right now because I can’t handle this anymore! Do you understand me?” “What can I do to calm you down?”, he said through gritted teeth. I hate that. I hate it when he talks to me through gritted teeth. Don’t fucking talk to me through gritted teeth goddamn it! I’ll slap the teeth right out of you. “Not like that Rigid…Not like that! Don’t talk to me like that. Please calm me down. Please!” and I told him what to do and he did it. The anger fell from his face. He let his brow down, his head seemed lose that tension and his jaw went a little slack. He put his hand on my leg and began to rub it as though he’d found a magic lamp.
He let out a little sigh, I was weeping, and he took his other hand and put it at the nape of my neck. He knows I love that. He pulled me in close to him, kissed my tears and told me he was sorry for upsetting me. Sorry for not being more understanding and that he’ll try harder next time. Now why was that so hard? Or was it hard at all? We drove away and as we were driving I remembered how I felt. I remember wanting to grab him by the hair and dig my nails in. I remembered the feeling I had the last time I bent my nail back on his neck and how painful that was. Thick necked mother- fucker. (I’m laughing right now) I also remembered the giant elephant on my chest. I let out another sigh and let him know that I needed to see the Dr. about a prescription. That we’ll have to go on birth control and he finally agreed but let me know he wasn’t happy about it. He wants to have kids and doesn’t think it’s necessary to go on medication. In the end I’m the only one who can make that decision and so far I’ve decided against it. We had a really great time at my sisters house. My mother loved her present and everyone had fun. We went home tired, but very happy.
Still those little arguments, the awful way I felt. I didn’t get it and then it hit me. Mother’s Day. That single word, Mother, was jabbing away at my brain like a hot poker in your ass. Not a good feeling I think. You see Rigid and I had already made a decision about 3 weeks ago. We were going to try again. I mean really try again and this meant no smoking, very little drinking and just generally taking care of myself much better. Lose some weight, get some exercise and drink plenty more water maybe even take my vitamins. More importantly stop being afraid of what might be or what might not ever be and just keep on trying. So generally speaking we’ve been a lot happier since making that decision and our arguments no matter how stupid or how important simply haven’t had the same weight as they used to. There are so many other things to worry about. Keeping me as under-stressed as possibly being the number one priority. It’s worked so far and things are going much better than before except…when the cramps came again and so did Charlie.
Posted by Maharet at 2:24 PM