Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Big Fat Dork

XBrood Live: Big Fat Dork

Thursday, May 11, 2006

My Husband is suffering from a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't so why bother' philosophy. How the fuck are we supposed to move forward this way? If you go into a situation with the idea that no matter what you do it won't be the right thing TOO do then why the hell be in a relationship in the first place? I'm sick of the fighting. Let me tell you something. If I actually took the time to write down EVERYTHING I would have written a book by now. In fact... I just may yet do that. I mean what are you supposed to do when your wife is suffering from depression? Read a book? Learn all you can about the subject? Why? What for when all it seems to be is a self indulgence right? He hasn't figured it out yet... I didn't want to tell him. He calls it my scary time and he still doesn't know I'm already there. I'd laugh if I weren't so pissed off right now. I feel fragmented... A side effect of the scary hormones.

Today was pretty much no different from any other day. I mean I'm pretty much still getting over the fight we had the other day about setting up my computer back at home (which I did myself the next day by the way). I think the crying was getting on his last nerve. I really wish I could record him. I mean I'm a freakin' mess, which goes without saying, but his reaction to me is just hilarious in retrospect. Can you imagine a 6'4" 220 lb man completely incapable of reasoning confronted with an unreasonably hormonal female? What's a poor boy to do but yell and scream at her until she stops crying! Insult her intelligence and maturity level until she stops crying! Relentlessly ask her over and over again WHY SHE WON'T STOP CRYING until she stops crying to damn near smack you in the face!!! Well I got over that, sort of, and so we'll move on to today's argument.

I'm bitchy. It's the 11th of May. This means that 10 to 14 days from now I'll be back to normal again, but why does it feel like I haven't really had a break? Depression. And this time it's taking me down every single day hormonal or not. So what do you do with a depressed AND bitchy female? Piss her off every minute of the day with stupid questions like, "Can you write down on a post it to remember to tape John Doe on Fridays?" while I'm at work... 'cause there are post it's at work you know. Or, "Can you remember to do my laundry because I have no underwear Hooha?" when I JUST walked into the house after work. HE HAS A CELL PHONE... why can't he set a reminder on his phone to tape his program? He's got plenty of underwear to wear... ANYWAY WHY CAN'T HE DO HIS OWN LAUNDRY? Okay, so maybe that's fucked up, but I'M BITCHY. I want to be left alone. That and does he think this house gets clean by itself? What pisses me off is that I know he does that because he doesn't want to have to do it himself. Did I ever mention that he's just as lazy as me? If I don't constantly pick up after ourselves and bitch at him to pick up after himself we'll be knee deep in shit in a single day. I'm not joking.

Then because he works 10, 12, 14, 15 hrs a day on any given day he thinks he can get away with not picking up the house at all. In fact he thinks it's okay to leave a stinking pile of CAT SHIT sitting next to the trashcan on the floor in a plastic bag for, let's see, about 4 FUCKING DAYS. Oh yes, I counted. The day he did the litter box I told him to make sure he took it out and not throw it in the trash can like he'll usually do. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why when I'd come home after work my house stank like someone’s asshole. So I went out and bought myself all sorts of cleaning products, carpet deodorizers, a GIANT Airwick battery powered automatic air freshener and the Oxyclean Pet Stain Remover. Keep in mind that I'm allergic to all this shit. That and another gigantic litter box and this fancy schmancy new litter called CitraMaxFresh. It claims that it's 100% natural, you'll never have to scoop your box again, it's good for up to one month and your guaranteed to have less tracking. I've tried so many different litters it's not even funny, but I have to say that this litter has proven to be the best. It smells funky, but orangey... plus like dirt. It's strange. When we bought it Rigid was like, "Look honey, it says 'No scooping necessary'. We'll never have to scoop the poop out! That's great!” I was like, "Your out of your fucking mind. Of COURSE we have to scoop the poop out you dork!"

So, despite his wishful thinking he still has to scoop. We share that responsibility, but I have to be honest. He shares it more than me... and I'm grateful but is it possible not to leave the poo in the trashcan? When I finally caught him doing that I went ape shit. No wonder I was feeling so sick in the house! No wonder it stank so bad. Makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Well he promised he'd take it out from then on. He was doing well up until 4 days ago. I had to remind him today that there's been a pile of shit lying next to the trashcan since the last time he cleaned the box. I actually hadn't noticed it cause it didn't smell in the house. That litter actually does work. It dries the poo faster so it doesn't stink and has bits of dried orange peels and other crap. It's like potpourri litter!

Basically the minute he gets home I'm already complaining about something he's done wrong. Despite the ups and downs of the day though I was in a fairly good mood so I let it slide. I gave him that, "Uh better throw that poo away mister." kind of look and then we went out for a few groceries. It wasn't long before we got into a fight on the way to the store. I can't even remember what it was about anymore. All I know is I told him to be quiet... he must have been shitting in his pants, but he actually shut up. So we went shopping...all bitchy like. There I was grabbing some meat and sandwich stuff. That was all we needed for the next few days but he wanted toothpaste. Oh my god! What an ass!!! We can barely rub two nickels together right now and only have enough money for a few days worth of food. There's enough toothpaste to last a couple more days and though I know we really need some I still freak the hell out when he throws toothpaste into the shopping cart. I'm not sure if we'll have enough money, but we need toothpaste. I know he's right yet I find myself arguing with him about it. As if I actually intended not to buy the toothpaste. WHY? I don't know, but I grabbed a packet of pork meat and shoved it in his stomach to take back so I could buy the toothpaste. WHYYYYYYYY???

I don't know why. I was furious though. My face got all hot and my body started to tremble. My heart was racing and suddenly I really wanted a god damned cigarette! I haven't smoked for 5 days. I ignore this impulse of course. I'll smoke when I damn well please is what I say! So we go home and when we get there I go straight to bed. I don't help with the groceries by splitting the meat into packets for the freezer so I won't have a giant frozen brick of chicken to defrost. I don't put his laundry into the wash. I don't even make dinner. Straight to bed because I feel like I might just about kill him then and there if I so much as turn and look at him. I know that's not his fault. I KNOW that's all about me being bitchy, hormonal, depressed. But I don't care! I know I need to be left alone and I'll get over myself eventually. I'm of course starving, but refusing to talk to Rigid at this point and proceed to completely shut him out. This is so frustrating to him that he simply doesn't know what to do with himself so he mutters and mumbles all sorts of things while he's getting his own laundry together. He asks me what I want for dinner, he does this in the hopes that I'll get up and make it of course, and proceeds to mumble, "Fine, don't eat then see if I care." out the door because I've ignored him again. I nearly laughed, but my face was buried in the pillow and I think I was about to swallow my tongue out of sheer anger so... I didn't.

I woke up about 2 hours later and ravenous. I felt better though. I felt lighter and like the mood swing had passed. I just needed a little nap. Rigid was just getting into bed though and I asked him what he made for dinner. I thought he was coming in to spend time with me, but no. He was going to sleep. He said he couldn’t make dinner see... because he was doing the laundry.

Cue the music for you favorite horror flick here. Psycho works well for me.

"You couldn't make dinner because you were doing laundry?????" I ask. "You're telling me you couldn't make dinner because you were doing laundry????" I repeat as if I didn't ask the first time. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

He proceeds to explain that he did the laundry and fell asleep on the couch because he works so hard and was tired. That he had to make himself two WHOLE sandwiches, brush his teeth then come to bed at 10 pm even though he usually won't go to bed until 11 pm!!! WTFF? I got up called him a fucking moron on the way out of the bedroom, cooked a piece of meat, threw it in a tortilla then washed it down with a little Coke. I couldn't even taste the food. I was pissed off at myself for calling him names. I hate that. He doesn't do that to me... as often.

After I ate I sat there pissed off as hell and trying to figure out how I could get him to understand why I was upset THIS time around. I went back into the bedroom and started off by telling him that I'm depressed. I did already have this conversation with him last week, but I figured it couldn't hurt to refresh his memory. He apologized. Why is he apologizing because I'm depressed? It's starting to become an automatic response to anything he does now... this is annoying me greatly, but I ignore it. I begin to tell him that although it was a good idea to leave me alone and let me chill for a while he still should have been considerate enough to take the time to put the groceries away properly, make something to eat and at the very least not leave a mess in the living room for me to pick up the next day. At least show me some consideration. Let me know that you care about me and that you’re actually trying to do something to cheer me up a little. Show me that you’re not just ignoring me and hoping I'll just get over whatever it is that's wrong with me.

He apologized. Several times. He got up and picked up the mess in the living room and we continued our discussion there. Well, that's never really a good thing either. Sometimes I really do wonder why I'm trying so hard because all I got from him was he's damned if he does and he's damned if he doesn't. I asked him why he couldn't have the forethought to cook something to eat to try to cheer me up, put the food away properly... pick up your mess or clean the dishes in the sink. I mean there was like two glasses and a plate that's all, but I would have noticed. He apologized again and said he was sorry that he works so many hours and couldn't have had the forethought to be more considerate because he was so tired. That's right. Be sarcastic with the queen of sarcasm you dumb ass!

Again we continued out discussion and sometimes he actually made a little sense – like when I called him immature in regards to never having had a girlfriend for longer than a year as though THAT’S why were having so many problems now. He wasn’t with anyone long enough to be broken in. He had a good come back for that. Apparently seeing his friend get cheated on while away in the military was enough of a deterrent to stay away from women, other than to fuck of course, throughout his 5 year military career. So when he finally gave in and got a girlfriend (his first ever) he felt validated in his argument to me that he’s not actually immature because he was proven right in the end see. She cheated while he was away so, THAT’S why he’s never had a girlfriend. THAT’S why all he did was have sex and get drunk since he was 16… and before then as well. He was afraid of being cheated on. He was taking preemptive steps towards preventing a broken heart…*cough* bullshit!

It’s BULLSHIT! Don’t fall for it. First of all he started having sex very early on. This makes him a slut in my book. Being the severe slut that he was he hopped around from girl to girl, always using a condom of course, because he never wanted to be tied down. He never wanted a girlfriend and was happiest on his own. Not to mention the fact that his career in the military was sporadic at best. Yes, he went to Afghanistan and to Iraq, but the tours where for a few months at a time not years. And although I can certainly understand why he wouldn’t honestly want a girlfriend while he was in the military what stopped him from having one while he wasn’t in? There was a good long time in between tours which left him at home working as a bouncer in Blackpool.

None of that really matters. It’s not his fault that he’s landed with a looney depressed girl and doesn’t know how to be caring enough to handle it. Not many people do, but it baffles me that basic common sense eludes him so. I woke up this morning hoping that I could get through my day without another fight. I’ve had about 3 ½ hrs of sleep now. I wrote most of this last night around 1 am. There I am yanking a pair of cold semi wet pants off the door they were hanging on to dry when I noticed something. The load he did yesterday only had his clothes in it. None of mine except the pants and only because they were already in the washer. I knew in my gut when I woke up that I’d find that to be the case, but I hoped I’d be wrong. I wasn’t and I was disappointed. Pettiness against someone suffering from depression seems a little overkill doesn’t it? Then to deny said pettiness is just obnoxious of you isn’t it? Like to deny that you were trying to be petty at all is going to make me see that your not one of the biggest buttholes I’ve ever known. Friggin’ Dork!

Posted by Maharet at 11:34 PM

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