XBrood Live: The Story Of Us
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The Story Of Us
I was in love with another man before him. He meant so much to me for so brief a time and the only reason my husband and I ever met was because of him. We shared so much. All the intimate little things you don’t share with just anyone. We loved all the same things… except Pumpkin pie. I think. I fell so hard and so deep I didn’t know what to do with myself. I ran to another state like a puppy chasing it’s tail and back again despite Rigid’s warnings but with Pumpo’s blessing. He tried to tell me. I tried to listen, but I couldn’t see beyond my nose. My aunt was dying and I didn’t know. The day she went into the hospital she’d never return from he broke my heart. It happened just as she stepped foot into the lobby. I thought he was going to marry me. Mr. X, it wasn’t meant to be.
Circumstances being what they were I understood of course. Nothing can stand in the way of the kind of love I too aspire to have one day. I felt myself break in two. I thought I was…but it didn’t matter. My life went on and continues on. And I thank whatever force it was that brought us together because without him I’d be alone. Through him Rigid and I became fast friends on Xbox Live. We spent countless hours just talking through those headsets while I worked on envelopes for seminar mailings or just sat around the house doing nothing. We contemplated many things together. Dining out, traveling to other countries, visiting one another. Through all that we gamed together day after day with so many of our friends and built such a bond. We’d even fight back then the way we do now… Like a tired old married couple and I’ll never forget the day Mr. X brought it up to me. He asked me why I let Rigid get to me so much and if we had something going on. I laughed at him. I told him never in a million years would I EVER be with someone like him.
Is that comedy or what? I wasn’t lying to him. Remember that I always try my best to say what I mean. I meant it all right. The day he pissed me off for the first time ever was when he said something horrible about the Irish. I’ll never in my life forget what he said and I’ll never let him forget it either. One other gamer had brought up the issue between the English and the Irish and the conversation got out of control. The guy was just asking a simple question, but I think Rigid was drunk and his tongue got a little too loose. He blatantly blurted out that all Irish people should die because of what they’ve done. Forget about the Irish Republican Army that go around terrorizing the country, no… All Irish people. He couldn’t have possibly made a bigger error in judgment. By the time I was done screaming at him my voice was starting to get hoarse and Mr. X was wondering what the hell was going on. Rigid took it back of course and we continued playing for a while longer not saying anything on the subject again.
Eventually Mr. X and I jumped off to have a chat before going to bed, but I was so upset I started crying. I was so angry at Rigid for saying such horrible things because I knew he wasn’t a horrible person, but why was I letting it get to me so much? Why did it feel so painful? Mr. X continued to try to sooth me and was satisfied with my answers. I eventually got over it and continued on being Rigid’s friend. I think that’s the point where things started to develop between he and I, but the path I was on at the time was one I could not deviate from. After all, I thought Mr. X was the one. In the end Rigid was proven right and he didn’t try to hide his satisfaction. He gloated and rubbed it in on more than one occasion. “I don’t want to say I told you so, but…” came out of his mouth more often than I ever in my life would like to hear. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. The only thing that mattered were my memories. The memories that are, to this day, still locked away in a box stuffed into the back of my closet.
How stupid do you think I felt? How idiotic? So when Rigid came to Los Angeles I fell hard for him. My hero. I loved him so fiercely I didn’t want to let him go. Not ever. We traveled up and down Los Angeles & Riverside on his first visit here. We even went to Mexico together. We did so much in so little time it’s a wonder we ever had time to fall in love. The restaurants we’d go to were fantastic and we shared wonderfully lovely romantic meals together. We even rode on a horse drawn carriage. Of course I thought the horse might actually die on the spot of sheer hunger, but he seemed sturdy enough. Eventually the trip came to an end and we had to say our good byes though not for the last time.
Through it all those feelings of shame followed me. Shame for having loved the unattainable man and shame for loving the attainable man; it’s a shame created solely by the backlash of the media in regards to the pc world. Internet love. The even sadder thing is that we didn’t meet on the Internet we met through live gaming, same thing different concept. It’s a shame I’m willing to endure like countless other individuals out there. We’re not original. We’re not different. No. We’re just like everyone else out there trying to make things work. And I’ll make things work with him if it’s the last thing I ever do… and it may well be too. If I’d followed other people’s advice I would have given up a long time ago, but I’m still hanging on. We’re still hanging on. Maybe even sometimes by a thread, but hanging on nonetheless.
Is it wise to try and make a baby with a man I threw a pair of metal tongs at for throwing a mop down the kitchen when I wouldn’t get out of his way because he’d made me burn the burritos I was making for dinner???? Perhaps not, but I’ll get a new pair of tongs and he’ll apologize to me until the end of days for making me bend my metal tongs beyond repair. In the end we’ll still be together. Even if only with a knife at each other’s throats we’ll still be together. Were still together now and that’s all that matters.
Posted by Maharet at 12:26 PM