Monday, January 28, 2008

Sometimes You Need Your Space

January, 2008
Sometimes You Need Your Space
The Holidays were hectic last year and I'm glad it's all over. I have so many things to deal with, so many bills to pay and so little money to cope with it all that I can barely breath most days. It's my fault. It's always my fault. Whatever I suffer... I could have stopped this a long time ago. I could have avoided this entire life. I'm always sad this time of year and I could never figure out why. It suddenly hit me. Aside from the obvious reasons to be sad in January, to me that is, I realized that I miss my aunt.

I found out she was sick shortly after... this month had passed. After a very quick break up with a friend she ended up in the hospital and never came back. I'm still devastated, but this will pass as all things must. I feel like I'm choking again. Always on the verge of tears. It's not all to do with my aunts passing. I still haven't had kids and though I had come to terms with the fact that I would be one of those unfortunate many who will have trouble getting pregnant after 30 trying for it again is proving rather burdensome. (wow... that's quite the sentence isn't it? lol)

My husbands been timing my cycles since... we'll he's always done it, but last year around November time he started counting again. Counting the months to prepare, just in case. Trying to figure out when, if we get pregnant suddenly, our child would be due. It's fucking gut wrenching. There are no other words for it. Fucking gut wrenching pretty much sums it up. It hurts playing the baby name game, it hurts when he tells me he'd love a boy, but a girl would be great too. It kills me when he tells me it's his turn to have twins. "We could have twins you know. They run in my family and it's my turn." he says to me with a brilliant smile. A smile brilliant enough to blind the sun and I die a little. I quiet him with a hug and a kiss and choke back the tears, pretend I'm untouched by this, my usual reply being, "Good lord, I can barely deal with you, imagine twins! No way." We already have names just in case.

I've been accused so many times of not taking care of myself. Of drinking too much caffeine, smoking too much, not quitting for long enough, not taking my vitamins or prenatals right. I'm sick of it. He's not overbearing about it, he's right. After we lost... after we miscarried nearly 3 years ago I began taking better care of myself. The instant I found out I was pregnant I quit smoking, drinking coffee (which I only drink sparingly at best) and eating lots of veggies. I took my prenatals religiously and thought I was doing everything right. I don't think I did anything wrong and I don't blame myself. The pressure was rather high at the time and there was nothing that could have been done. It just wasn't the time and I can honestly say without one ounce of regret that it was for the best. I wouldn't be married if it hadn't happened because what I went through that next year and a half...I wouldn't have risked my child and it would have been over at the drop of a hat.

Things are much more settled now and since he started counting the days till ovulation I decided I'd get myself back on track not just for him, for us. I've passed my exam and only have two more to go. They shouldn't take long at all so even if I were to get pregnant in the next 6 months I'll have plenty of time in which to take them. I started back up smoking again last year. Smoking full time that is which means that I was smoking nearly 10-15 cigs per day. That's about a pack every two days. The excuse was, I really needed it to get me through those rough study periods of pure exhaustion and unfocused random thoughts. My plan worked. The more I smoked the harder I studied, the more hours I put in until finally...bliss. I'm a Registered Assistant now, meaning I can legally buy and sell securities. Wonderful.

Now I'm studying the next exam which would then class me as a Investment Advisor, after which I'll be studying for my Commodities license which would then class me as a Commodities Broker. This is what I'm most worried about and why I want to smoke so much, but I've cut back. I'm down to 4 cigs per day. ALL DAY. I've been seeing the mood swings again. I can feel my chest stretch and swell and at the slightest touch it will collapse. I'm under pressure and I don't know how well I can cope.

Especially when it's so difficult just to maintain a regular baby making schedule. Sometimes your body just doesn't work the way you want it to, sometimes you just don't want to be touched and there's nothing you can do. Making the best of it doesn't work, relaxing doesn't work...and then the words start to spill. The words dribble out for days, weeks even. They fill the tiny little cup to the brim day after day after day until suddenly one tiny little drop spills over the edge and WHAM, the wave crashes over the brim making you say things you'll regret later. Later when the cup is half full again.

I can't go through this again. I just can't. I don't think I will.

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