Monday, June 2, 2008

suffocated and restrained


i'm starting to feel a little like this car. suffocated. don't know why someone would do this to someone else's car at our local petco, but at the time i thought it was hysterical. right now it's the only thing i have to express the horror i feel.

last week i scheduled my exam. i think i have it set saturday the 21st...or the following sat. all weekend i've been feeling this horrible nervous bubble in my stomach. i tried not to worry so i played, and i played and i played to my hearts content but it did no good whatsoever. try and ignore the sinking feeling in my gut as i might the dread grows ever nearer and it's not going to go away.

everything is aching right now. aside from the insistent pain in my wrists from too much typing & gaming my neck feels like it's going to pop at any minute. i feel like a frog. you know, the kind you squished as a young boy to see if it's eyes would fall out? i know you did. don't bother denying it. everyone did it. what? no? maybe it was just me then. (gulp)

the anxiety i'm feeling has started to get pretty bad. some days i can barely take a full breath. i try to stop and relax. i game, i chat, i write or distract myself in some other way, but nothing seems to be working. on the outside i don't think you can see it. rigid can, at least he better. i can tell he's trying to be careful though he does have a tough time of it some days. especially when the kids outside are going apeshit.

all i need to do right now is concentrate on doing my quizzes and re-doing my timed exams. that's about 2 weeks worth of work if i only take about 2 days off. after that it'll be nothing but review and working on my feeble memory skills.

i think the anxiety is stemming from the fact that i really took a long time to prepare for this exam. it's much shorter than the last one and from what a lot of people tell me much easier. of course this does nothing to allay my fears and really only makes it that much worse. leave it to me to fail at one of the supposed easiest exams. easy, but hard. that's what people say. easy because there are only about half the questions, there's very little math and isn't as technical. difficult because the questions are tricky being that they've been written by lawyers. course, they don't have add. honestly, sometimes i don't even know how i can manage to write a semi-understandable sentence. (i'm laughing right now.)

there, i feel a little better. i've been doing a little better today. after a repeated number of yawns, or fake yawns being that i didn't want people to see my gaping mouth all day long, i've actually managed to take a little more air than i've been able to lately. my ears are badly plugged up, but i'll try to take care of that soon.

OH, and i found a lump in my breast the other day. of course, it could just be an ovulation thing. sometimes i do hate being a girl, but i love that i'm not a chicken head. most people find a lump and rush out to the dr only to find it's just a cyst or a lymph node inflamation. ok, nobody wants either of those things in their boobies, but it's not going to kill you...not yet at least. oh yes, i'm well aware of what could happen, but right now... i have bigger fucking fish to fry.... big...big fucking fish.

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