Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What Side of the Shit-Hit Fan are You On?

The topic of the day is: What side of the-shit-hit-the-fan are you on?
in reponse to brettbum on utterli

I’m pretty sure this is the after effect of the shit hitting the fan dear. you know, the one where everyone in the vicinity now has shit splattered all over their faces, hair and teeth…among other places. It’s too late to block the shit or reverse the fan.

It’s clean up time. Someone bring out the fucking wipeys and hand it to the Senators that are having a little bit of trouble cleaning up after themselves the dirty bastards.

What side of the fence am I on? I’m on the Upper Lower Class side. Not poor enough to be considered poor and not middle income enough to be considered middle class. At least not by my definition. Sorry folks, but in case you haven’t noticed hikes in prices really do matter when it comes down to differentiating between the classes.

Luckily for me, I was raised poor and I know how to survive. Much like the bottom dwelling cockroaches living in my city, pun intended, I have resorted to shopping like a welfare recipient. The only one’s actually benefiting from shopping at Target or PetCo are my cats. Only the finest mother’f’n litter and food for my babies!

To make sure I have enough money for gas, no more trips to the matinee. Even matinee prices are killing us. It’s the semi-local movie theater for us. You know the kind you never go to because your afraid your child may contract a virus on the theater seats or because your afraid your wife could be raped in the bathroom. We call it, “The Buck Fifty” theater and it holds a special place in our hearts. Then again, it should be called “The Three Bucks Fittehcent” movie theater now. At this point, I may not be able to afford even that.

In addition to that little money saving strategy I utilize a great store called, The 99Cent Only Store, yes, I shop like a homeless person. In a pinch some hot water and a Cup-o-Noodles goes a long way. A LONG way! Woot!

I’m allergic to scented products and have a very sensitive scalp so I need to use fragrance free Dove, Head & Shoulders Shampoo AND Conditioner and laundry detergent among other products for sensitive skin and nose. The 99cent Store has none of these products of course. Every isle is like walking into the mall on a hot sunny afternoon straight into the middle of a make up counter lined with armies of crazed perfume counter mavens. Only the scents violently assaulting your nostril passages are not quite as fine. They come in a variety of names such as VO5, Ivory, Ajax (which is great for your sink!), Ariel (Mexican Laundry Detergent), Suavitel (Mexican Laundry Softner) and many many more. It’s a veritable cornucopia of heavily perfumed products, most of which you are probably horribly allergic to. I know I am! :P

But that’s what you have to do to save money. Shopping at Albertson’s or the new and rather lovely Fresh n Easy are things you will never again be able to do, not for a long LONG time. It’s Food For Less or Superrrr Superior Superrrr Warehouse. (Sorry, bad inside joke!)

401k? Are you nuts? I took half of that out a few weeks ago and received my check last week. I’m sittin’ pretty right now…pretty much strangled in debt because more than half of that money is going towards my debt, and not the good kind that were it out of the way would increase my spending money. Nope, not at all.

All of these things I do JUST so I can put gas into my car to get to work every day. When prices were at their worst I struggled so much I thought my head would implode. For me things are starting to even out a little. Would I actually be worried if I didn’t have any gas to put into my car? Well, no, there’s always the bus or 50 miles a day on my bike. I mean hello, I’m in such great shape I could do that no problem. In fact, I’ll do it tomorrow just to prove a point.

Would I be concerned about calling 911? It would suck if I had to be, but I don’t see why I should. If a city doesn’t have a system in place to keep itself going in the event of a crisis I’m sure the rest of us could manage just fine. It’s not like there’s a shortage of electricity right? We all know how to Google right? Man, I could diagnose your pancreatic cancer in a heart beat….or two. I could whip up plans for a heart pacer doohickeythingy in no time. And the other day, I watched this show where this dude took some wires and a battery and shocked the living crap out of this girl to get her heart pumping again. I’m pretty sure I could produce the exact same results. Let’s try shall we?

Come on now! Stop freakin people out Brett! Don’t worry guys, there’ll still be Christmas to look forward to. Whoever said Fruitcake sucks? Who doesn’t like peanuts and oranges in their stocking? Okay, so no Pleo for you this year. Suck it up! The 99cent Store has plenty to choose from and there’s NO WAY they’re going under. The entire country would revolt, the entire world in fact!!!


What? You don’t know what I’m talking about? The 99cent store!...Dollar Store?, Euroshop?....100 Yen Shop…. 5 y 10 pesos shop, Pound Shop, Euroland, 100 Fornitos Bolt, Always 90nueve (Always 99), 2.5 LE Shop, Loja De…alright I’m done. :P

Point is, it’s not the end of the world. This isn’t the apocalypse and I think we have a long way to go before rapture, so even though we have to cinch our belts and make some serious changes we’re not going to die because of it.

In the event that you should die because of anything included in this rant you can not sue me. Should I have included, neglected to include or purposely omitted any information you might actually need in order to make appropriate financial decisions…You should have been smarter. In the event that you should lose all your money because anyone talked you into getting a loan your couldn’t afford to pay in the event that our economy should tank and rates should change….You should have read the fine print. It’s fine print for a reason. Because it’s usually NOT FINE!

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