Saturday, October 11, 2008

When A Woman Cries She Feels Alone

Originally uploaded by TheMeConspiracy
How difficult it is for a man to remember that when a woman cries she feels alone? 

It's clear to me now that after 4 years it's a very difficult thing to remember and it's something that for all eternity will never end, not for any woman on earth. I sit here feeling shallow, hollow and empty in the aftermath. I sit here alone... I sit here as alone as I felt when he knelt next to me trying to fix the problem rather than trying to provide me with much needed comfort.

It has happened before, it will inevitably happen again.

I tried as hard as I could to remain calm, but the tears continued to flow. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried I could not stop the torrent. Had it been over something that he could understand his role would have been clear, but it was truly over nothing. Nothing in his eyes because my pictures mean everything to me and I thought I lost them. I thought I lost them all.

The 7000+ pictures were not lost but the fact that I would need to pay in order to view years worth of pictures I entrusted to my  photography site enraged me to the point of hysteria. I could not speak or utter a single word. All I could do was cry. He came to my side immediately and tried to be as comforting as he knew how, he has certainly learned a thing or two and was sure he could quickly contain the situation. Unfortunately for the pair of us he misinterpreted my emotions upon realizing what was upsetting me. I think there was no possible way to wrap his brain around it. It made no sense to him. Why get so upset when the answer was so clear? Just pay to view the pictures that they clearly did not delete. What is so hard about that? Why cry?

He tried to pay the fee, but I only cried more. He tried to get me to understand that it was simple but I shook and sobbed. He asked me over and over again why I was crying letting me know that it was silly to get so upset; that I need to learn to pay attention better when I read because if I had I wouldn't have gotten this distressed. I wanted to slap him though I understood why he was reacting this way. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain was a voice telling me he meant well, that he wasn't being insensitive and that I'm blowing this out of proportion. Meaning, I've just been thrown into an anxiety attack by a situation that is completely out of my control; one that with a little effort could very easily have been handled with a little thought and self control. Still, there was nothing I could do being that my emotions simply got the better of me and were too far out of my grasp at that point to do anything but misdirect my anger at my husband.

Afterall, he was the source of my aggrivation at the moment. His lack of understanding was what distressed me, not my lack of access to my photographs. Displacement. It takes skill the likes of a Grand Master of the Jedi Order to make someone believe that their displaced anger is justified, reasonable and completely your fault. I have this skill and I aborr it. In order to avoid it I immediately cling to him, something I wish I didn't have to do. I tell him tell him to hold me, comfort me, put his arm around me anything but tell me I'm overreacting, but it doesn't come out as a request. Instead it's a demand, no more like a command and this never bodes well for either of us. I don't mean to do it. I wish I could stop, I wish I could control it I just can't. I can't. And I try, I try so hard. I know I'm wrong, I know my reaction to this situation is simply emotional and uncontrolled. The answer to me is very clear, but it eludes my husband like a white fox on a snow covered hill.

Instead of hearing what I'm begging for he hears what I'm demanding. He hears the anger welling up in my voice and that uncontrolled rage. He runs for medication, but I refuse it. Why? Why should I drug myself to get over something that would take mere seconds in my mind to fix. Seconds! How many seconds does it take for a man to change the angered and frustrated look on his face to that of understanding and empathy? How many seconds would it take to wrap your arms around your wife and tell her everything would be alright? He knew I wasn't angry, I know he did, but he didn't know how to make me stop crying. All he wanted to do was make me stop. Why would he think he could make me stop?

I had him by the shoulder. In my delusional mind I imagined that he would understand what I needed if I just showed him, but I dug my fingers into him. I think in his delusional mind he understood so when he yanked me out of my chair and swung me around towards the couch perhaps he thought he was being gentle...

I clung to him and begged him not to treat me that way, not to talk to me that way, not to push me and he let go. Still clinging to him I then begged him to hold me so he did. I wish I could have stopped digging my fingers into his shoulders, but although I wasn't looking at his face he was determined to remain indifferent to my pain. He stood holding me loosly and looking away. I begged him to stop, I could feel the rage in me build and build. It felt like I was going to implode and suddenly it hit me. I felt rejected. He was doing it on purpose. He wanted to hurt me, he knew exactly what he was doing and that's what happens when you let your deepest and darkest secrets out. People then know exactly how to manipulate you. How to push your buttons even more than ever without saying a word. I begged him to stop, but he didn't and as I continued to beg my fingers dug in until I shook.

He cast me off with barely another glance and I fell into the couch. I didn't kick, I didn't scratch...I didn't do anything. I got up, walked into the bedroom and proceeded to whail until I was hoarse. I cried alone. I didn't understand how he could be so cruel. I was angry, but not at him, not at first. Why did he have to make me feel this way?

I've never allowed anyone to have that much control over my life and I let myself go. I've given him everything that I am and he knows it. I didn't understand this about him before and now I do. What he didn't understand at the time was that I realized my pictures weren't gone at all. What I reallized was that my phone company interferred with personal and private property, something I didn't know they had the power to do, just because I was having trouble paying my phone bill. This is how long their reach is when they are allowed to take over one company after the next after the next. Changes are always subtle and you might not even notice the effect, but the second you start to have problems, and this year has been the most problematic for everyone, they chomp down on unsuspecting victims and spit them the fuck out. I felt like such a loser. I felt disparaged and not in control of the world around me as I knew it.

My husband thinks in very simple terms. "Girl Cry + No Good Reason = Hysterical Woman. Me stop Girl Cry by take away No Good Reason...Fix Hysterical Woman... Ugh!" and pounds on his chest like a chimp on crack. 

The more he spoke, the more he tried to fix the problem, the more he PISSED me off. What I was trying to do was help him understand that I knew exactly what was going on. That I didn't lose anything, and that I would pay it when I felt like it. I just couldn't get control of my rage and his attitude wasn't helping. Instead of being a little kind and providing a little warmth he immediately tells me that I'm basically an idiot and can't read. Um...I don't know, could it just be me or is that just the biggest bunch of bullshit you've ever heard. What's really funny about this situation is that I was actually a little surprised. 

After I was done being a "Hysterical Woman" all on my own I came out, explained what happened and let him know where he went wrong. When all was said and done he understood exactly what I was telling him and as usual promised to be a little more careful in future. This is why I love my husband so much. He may not understand women very well, but he's always willing to listen when he's good and ready. Then if it's not too much will actually do his best to incorporate new forms of thought into his brain. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I don't ever want my husband to change. I don't ever want him to feel that he's someone he wasn't before. All I want is a little compassion, some understanding and a bit of patience.

It really does go a long way doesn't it?

So, he now understands that when I cry, I feel alone, angry and like my world is out of control. It's not his job to fix that, it's just his job to hold my hand until I feel good enough to handle it on my own. If I need his help, I will most certainly ask for it.

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