Thursday, August 26, 2010

Feels Like Something's Missing

It’s been a long time since I had anything I felt so strongly for. It’s not to say that I’ve suffered from a lack of emotions the last few months. Not at all. Anyone who even remotely knows me understands that could never be the case. No, I’ve simply not had the will to write. I’ve commented here and there on other blogs and articles, but for the most part I’ve kept to myself as much as possible. Especially when it comes to my husband. There are very few people I express myself to in my life, but these things are irrelevant because that’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing because my brain is fogging up. My mind is reeling, and my body about to drop yet I feel perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with me.

Let’s get to the point because I’m starting to bore myself. My husband signed up for the National Guard as soon as he received his residency. I didn’t actually believe he would do it, but he did. We talked about it, tossed the idea around in our heads long long ago, but I was always against it. He served in the British Armed Forces years ago and left after flying to America to meet me…Maharet. Me. Why? Am I beautiful? Am I hot or some sort of sex goddess? No. Just plain old me, but he did and we’ve built a life together that at times I didn’t think we would.

I can’t remember if I ever wrote about the day he became a permanent resident. It was scary, but we got through it in one piece and that was that. I don’t remember taking pictures that day. Sometimes I wish I had. I really don’t know why I don’t do these things anymore. I used to be obsessed with pictures and blogs. I dedicated myself to it like a maniac. As if I considered myself an artist of the day. Photographer/ Writer of Pointless Blogs/ Blogpage Designer. Right…

I lost my way a long time ago and lost some of the passion for writing that I used to have. What I haven’t lost though is the love I have for my husband. This and many other blogs are littered with complaint after complaint for the cruelties Rigid has bestowed upon me. It’s also littered with the enormous love I have for him. If it’s not evident in a straightforward way then learn to read between the lines. I’m crazy mad in love with Rigid Raider. Always have been always will be. Funny how things work out. When we first ran into each other on Xbox Live he became just another acquired soul to place on my growing list of friends. Before you knew it he was pissing me off to no end and yet we created this strange bond. This strange bond became a passionate relationship full of insanities I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. We got through it though regardless of the strife, regardless of the lack of money or lack of jobs in this shitty economy.

This economy is what drove me to accept my husbands wish to join the National Guard. I would prefer that he work at McDonalds as long as he’s always with me and never leaves me. He is of a different mindset. So he joined and just as quickly set out for Advanced Infantry Training. It’s hard for me to talk about it. No, it’s hard for me to write about it. I have to stop and think and keep on stopping just to write the next line. This military world is so new to me and something I never cared to be a part of nor thought I ever would be a part of. Never in my life did I expect that I would go through something like this. Never did I think that Rigid would forge ahead with his plans to join the service. I didn’t think he would dare. I can be very persuasive when I want to be and if I’m truly against something I’ll make things very clear. I know myself and I know what I want. If I didn’t want him to join he either wouldn’t have or I would have left. Something in me made me stick around.

When I say the economy drove me to it I’m not actually saying that we suffered so much from lack of jobs or money. Yeah, we struggled but most of it was our own fault. No what this economy did was help me see my husbands true self. Well, his true vocation rather. I understood somehow that my life would be different than I had expected. Vastly different. I finally accepted something that I hadn’t wanted to accept all those years. My husband was built for the military. Not just to protect and serve which is what I had hoped, but to defend. So I tried to let go of my fear and released the cord. In truth whether I had accepted this or not he would follow his heart. That is where I had my choice to make and here is where I am today. Alone. I accept my husbands duty, a duty ingrained into his very core.

I still don’t know if I have it in me. I go through everyday not enjoying my life because he’s not here. The day he left me for he very first time was fucking gut wrenching. It was like someone was literally tearing my heart out of my chest then sat there watching it beat as indifferently as they would watch a turnip grow on YouTube.

I know I’ll get through it. At this point we only have a few more weeks to go and I get to bring him home at last, but for how long?

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