Thursday, September 28, 2006

Ignored and Overlooked

I've been struggling with studying this past week. In fact... I haven't studied at all. I can't in all honesty say that I don't have any excuse either. My brain is full of worry and anxiety. Last week I received a $400+ cell phone bill. Shortly after that we received the next cell phone bill. Now I'm looking at a cell phone payment of $800+... Can you say h-e-a-r-t-a-t-t-a-c-k kids? Yeah... but somehow I managed to hold it together. Monday I received a phone call from yet another debt collector so I'm sending them $100 to start on Friday. Somehow I just can't find the will to concentrate on studying. I work out a payment plan with the cell phone company, the debt collector of another company all together and my husband and put it out of my mind. Yesterday was the first day I was able to just stop thinking so much about. I guess I figure I'll handle it somehow.

I came home, smelled my nice fresh clean house (with 3 cats in it thank you very much), swept the floors and... *ring ring ring* "Hi Hooha. What's up?" "Poppette, I got into a slight fender bender." All I can hear is white noise in my ears. When I finally get my wits about me I figured out what happened. I was so angry with him that I just didn't know what to do with myself. Think I can study that way? No, instead I sat there and fumed while he took care of the details. I was angry. When he came home I was still angry and after he apologized and showed me how minor the damage was and reassured me that he'd do everything he could to not report it to our insurance I.. was ... STILL ANGRY. I don't know how I did it. I really don't know how I controlled myself, but it did happen again. I went through all the emotions and all the turmoil and all the confusion all over again. I didn't want to be with him. I just wanted it to be over.

He came to me over and over again trying to make things up, asking me what he could do. Reassuring me that he'd take care of it, but I didn't care. So I just lay there and watched my show and thought of the million things I would have to do if I broke it off with him. I could get rid of my apt, move in with my mother and pay off all my bills within the next 6 months. Even if I had to live out of my car for a little while... I could do it. I could be debt free and on my way to another divorce within the next 6 months. I just stayed in bed and watched TV and listened watch him come in and out of the room asking me not to shut him out... to talk to him and tell him what I was thinking. I can't... I just can't. He hates it when I don't look at him. It hurts him so much that I don't look at him. I don't want to hurt him. I just can't look at him. If I look at him I'll do something horrible and I don't want to.

He left me alone again and I finished watching my show. I went to the kitchen and started dinner. I yelled at him because he had left paperwork on the coffee table. He quickly removed it and asked me what I was making. Eventually things were okay. I forgave him and we moved on. Things were okay.

Until this morning. Yes, this morning I left for work, on time mind you. I couldn't see a thing. Stupid freakin' fog. I'm sure I'll be late again. I was 30 minutes late to work the day before and I couldn't be late again. By the time I was about 2 min away from the freeway I realized that If Rigid didn't get up for work he'd be late as well. I tried to call him, but my phone was locked. I hate it when he locks my phone! I tried to unlock it and that's when I realized it. He switched our phones. HE SWITCHED OUR FUCKING PHONES. I desperately tried to call him to let him know I had his phone and wake him up for work because the alarm is on HIS PHONE not mine and I wasn't sure if he fell back to sleep after I left. He picked up, but I couldn't hear a thing. I tried over and over again and still every time he picked up I couldn't hear anything at all. I was so angry and frustrated I wanted to turn back the car just so I could throw the phone at his face.

I drove on and began to decline his phone calls each time he rang... and rang... and rang... and rang. I had to send him a text message while I was on the freeway because he wouldn't stop and he was driving me insane. I think I even took the time to call him an idiot on my message. I don't know how it's possible to text message on the freeway in the fog, but I managed it. Only after I had done that did I realized I should have just put the phone on vibrate and turn up the radio. Who's the idiot now???

So I got to work and as soon as I get here I can't log on because my keyboard wasn't working. I dropped an entire cup of water on it the day before and even though it was working fine the rest of the day it wasn't working fine this morning. So I called my moron back while I tried to figure out what was wrong with my moron computer. Apparently this genius of mine thought the best thing to do would be to come all the way to my work so he could pick up his phone. Can't have people from his work calling my phone all day long after all. I told him not to waste the gas on our very expensive to run V8 engine Dodge Durango, but no he had to have his phone. Rather than argue with my moron I tried to wrestle with my stupid piece of shit keyboard. I tried 3 different ones and I still wasn't able to log on. If it hadn't been for that I would have been able to take the time to tell that idiot not to come all the way here for his phone because it's a waste of gas, wear and tear on the car and time because he'd only have to go all the way back the way he came to do what he needs to do today for work. He'd have to go back EXACTLY the way he came to get back to Downtown LA and take some paperwork to the courthouse there. WTF????

I got on the phone with tech support and they helped me out. Apparently I had to shut down my computer and THEN plug the new keyboard in and turn it back on. I had already shut down the computer before, but I did it all in the wrong order. FUCK ME!!!! I got it turned on and I was happy again. I went to get some coffee and fill up my water. I nearly killed myself when I stepped into the kitchen because my heal bent... great. I'm off to a great start. I over flow my water mug as I'm getting coffee... fine. It's just water. I walk out of the kitchen, go through the door to the hallway that leads me straight to my desk and spilled coffee all over my thumb. I'm rushing to get back because I need to talk to Rigid. I suck my thumb most of the way back to my desk and have a very funny conversation with the HR/Compliance/Operations manager on the way back... actually it wasn't funny. He was teasing me telling me I need to slow down and be more careful. Said the next thing you know I'll be burning my tongue. We laughed... Ha ha ha back to my desk, sipped the coffee, burned my tongue and called Rigid again. I was suddenly in a good mood despite all those things, despite everything. I tried to reason with him and let him know that he should turn back and go to downtown first, do what he has to do and if he has time to come back to get the phone, but that it was unnecessary because it's just a waste of gas and time AND I could simply handle things on his phone here. I could redirect anyone that called to my phone and he could call his people and give him my number to call instead. Easy.

No, it wasn't easy. It was too much and he couldn't handle it. There was no way that I could have his phone and he could have mine. In fact the minute that I realized it wasn't my phone I should have turned back and given him his phone thus saving him the trouble of coming all the way to my work. Again I tried to reason with him and let him know that there was no possible way for me to have done that because I would have then been late to work for the second day in a row and that simply wasn't possible. It was bad enough that I'd already be a few minutes late in the first place because of the fog. He eventually apologized for having said that and moved on to the next mistake I made. He asked that I please refrain from leaving my phone in our bedroom so as to avoid confusion on his part. *double take* How I kept myself from yanking his balls off through the telephone I will never know. He apologized for that moronic comment as well. Then he asked me to meet him downstairs with the phone. I assured him that I would do no such thing and told him to hurry and stop wasting my time.

He took over an hour to get here because he got lost. Somehow he ended up going in the opposite direction on one of the freeways on the way up to my work. He got off and because I'd called him to bitch at him some more he wasn't able to find the on ramp again. So I made it easy for him. I hung up again and didn't speak to him until he got here. He came, picked up his phone, said he was sorry, picked up the directions I printed out for him, said thank you, threw me some kisses, told me he loved me, asked me if he could give me a kiss... thought the better of it, threw me some more kisses, told me he loved me again and said he'd call me later. I told him not to. He didn't... so I called him. I'm still really angry at him. So angry I want to cry, but I can't. Not because of the medication but because I'm sitting here at work. I have so much to do this morning and I've wasted over 2 hours of my day being angry, hurting myself, beating up my computer, verbally abusing my husband, thinking of the many ways I'd love to choke him to death, wondering how in the world I could possibly love him as much as I do and wondering if this medication is actually helping me at all.

He makes me so fucking angry. So angry that I don't know whether to bash my head on the wall, bash his head on the wall or both. I feel the anger swell up inside my chest, the tears boiling over behind my eyes and the heat welling up in my cheeks and all I want to do is hold him. I want to hold him and have him listen to me so he can finally hear me clearly and listen to what I have to say. I don't know what to do to get him to hear me. I'm trying to learn and let things go, but it's hard when I begin to feel ignored and overlooked.

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