Monday, October 2, 2006

State of Culpability

I shouldn't be writing right now. I should be studying or working or.... doing anything else but write. Pick my nose or something. Chew gum. I had a strange weekend. I was up and down the entire time. I don't know whether to choke myself, my husband or my insane kitten. Did I already say that in another post? I wouldn't doubt it. It's unsettling when I can't get a grip on myself. I think I know what I want one minute and the next it's completely different. I spent so much time being angry and upset at Rigid for one reason or another all last week that I was sure I was looking at divorce. I was ready to spend the rest of my life alone. In fact I welcomed it. He drives me thoroughly insane. Out of my mother fucking mind insane, but somehow or another he always manages to pull his ass out of the fire. Whether it's his long face, his pouty lower lip, his sad sad sighs or his profuse apologies smothered with hugs, kisses and promises never to repeat said offence. I fall for it every single time.

He doesn't hurt me you see. He's never raised a hand at me even when I know full well I've deserved it. Trust me, if some crazy bitch came up to you ready to throw a book of Shakespeare's works in your face (thicker than the biggest bible you could dream of) you would sock her in the neck too. Rigid, he does nothing. He stands there in defiance ready to take whatever blow I bestow upon him and if I do it... if it happens I instantly regret it and I just want to die because I don't understand what has become of me. I don't understand who I am anymore. I thought I knew, but I don't and I'm lowered... I'm less than dirt. I'm horrible. It hasn't happened often and since I decided to seek treatment we've only had two incidences in the last 3 months, but I still feel it in me. I've tried different medications and the only thing that sort of worked was Prozac, but I was so lethargic that I could sit there on my couch and ignore the entire world around me with no problem at all. I could walk into my filthy house and ignore the dirt, the cats, the litter, the trash, the dishes, the see where I'm going with this. I did nothing. Nothing. I just didn't care enough about anything, not even myself.
While I was on that medication Rigid could make me angry and I would just ignore it, tell him to leave me alone or simply walk away. God protect him if he should follow me though because I could turn in one second. Luckily he was a bit smarter than that most times. Not all the time. But even he got sick of the Prozac because nothing was getting done around the house and he knew that if it weren't for that drug we wouldn't be living that way. He even discussed the matter with his mother. Again... telling someone something about me I didn't particularly feel like sharing. No matter because I discussed this with my Drug Pusher (my pet name for my P-sychiatrist) and we decided on Adderall. He concluded from the two 15 min conversations and the one 30 min conversation we had that I might have ADHD. Of course, he may not actually be off base at all. I know ADHD runs in my family as well as Bi-Polar disorder. I don't know where the Autism came from, but to be honest I think that runs in the family too. A few cousins didn't speak until they were 6 yrs old or more and one of my cousins kids was the same way. I think it was just never as severe as it was with my nephew. Kind of typical considering my sister is severely Bi-Polar and possibly also has ADHD.
I'm getting off track of course. The point is that I'm on Adderall and because Adderall makes you a little wonky, by wonky I mean crazy angry, my Pusher decided to also throw in some Straterra for my anxiety and depression. By now the Prozac is completely out of my system and we've had to up the Straterra because it wasn't doing anything. The strange thing is that the Straterra, which is also an ADHD medication, makes me so sleepy I just want to crawl into bed. How am I supposed to focus and concentrate when I can't even keep my eyes open? I'm so angry all the time and so on edge that Rigid can't possibly do anything right. I'm basically back where I started and I don't think I'm getting any better at all. I don't know how well the Straterra will help, but something better kick in soon because I'm no where near my "pms" phase and I'm already having mood swings. So in the meantime while I wait for this crap to kick in how do I deal with the anger spikes I'm having? How can I exhibit some measure of control over myself? I have to be accountable for my own actions. That is an undeniable truth, but can ya help a homey out?
At some point isn't it also Rigid's responsibility to control himself and his actions and provide me with just a little relief by removing some, just a little, of the pressure that he's so fucking god damned good at applying? When is it his turn to take responsibility? I talked to him on Friday. I told him I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I'm doing everything I can each and every single day. I don't miss a dose, I clean my house, I work hard and I'm trying to study yet somehow I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere at all. All the set backs, the unnecessary bills... It's too fucking much then you throw on top of all of that his stupid rotten attitude and stubbornness and you have your self a nice recipe called Divorce. I'm tired. I can't really take much more of it. Even if I could find the right combination of drugs... it's just a stopper. I can't really see myself taking medication for the rest of my life just because I can't get along with my husband. I mean I was pretty fucked up before, but I NEVER behaved this way. It's not an excuse, it's a fact. I've always had this... condition of mine, but never have I not been able to control myself. Through my own powers of reasoning and my ex-husbands patience I was able to overcome a lot of the same difficulties I'm being faced with now. And yes, it could have a lot to do with the fact that there's been an increased amount of pressure placed on me since my divorce but Jeeze can I just get a little break somewhere?
Last week I suggested that we both seek professional help and he agreed. I didn't threaten him with divorce if he didn't seek help, but I did let him know that I'll continue to undergo treatment, but that if there was no improvement on both our behalves that there would be no way we could make it. We both have to be proactive in the betterment of our relationship and out mental well being. I can't do it without him and he can't do it without me, but it's not up to me to make him better or visa versa. He asked me to find an appropriate Dr. for him and said he would go. I agreed to do this for him but then thought the better of it. The next day when he asked me if I made an appointment I said no. I wasn't sure why until I spoke to my Pusher. He agrees that I made the right choice. This endeavour must be his and his alone. I sought treatment because Rigid has made it impossible to ignore my condition and because I've grown older and more intolerant. If Rigid feels that he could benefit from the same type of treatment or some form of psychoanalysis then it's up to him to follow through. I can't make him do it. I can guide him through it, but it has to come from him. Since we made the decision in the "heat of the moment" it just didn't seem right that I do it for him. I love him so deeply, I couldn't live with myself if I felt I forced or guilted him into it. God help me I love him too much.

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