Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Dead Dreams in Empty Eyes

I’m interested to see how this will pan out between Rigid and I. When I’m with him everything seems to be okay and as soon as I get to work the horrible bitterness comes rushing back surging through my veins. I’m mean, I snap and I gripe at him. I’m expecting him to make absolutely no money whatsoever this week. Which is why I don’t quite understand why I went through all the money he brought home last week. Is that part of my illness or is it that I’m so angry with him I want to find a way to hurt him? He doesn’t mind putting all his money into our bank account. As far as he’s concerned what’s his is mine and what’s mine is his. So he puts money in and never asks where it’s going or what were doing with it. He only knows that it’s there to be spent and not much else.

I always try to make sure he knows where our money is going and how it’s being spent, but on top of that we spend everything frivolously. Part of the reason why were always eating out is because I can’t sit there cooking, cleaning and studying each and every single day after I get home from work. Maybe I should be able to, but I can’t. Not all the time, so I expect some help. I get help in the way of fast food and a load of laundry once a month. Maybe the dishes will be done some time. But I don’t care; I let it go because I HAVE to concentrate on passing this exam. I’m just about ready to give up though. It’s too much pressure when I’m sitting at home worrying about my husband not working.

I loved it when he told me, “Don’t worry about me getting a job hooha. I’ll get a job. I told you that I’ll take care of you and I mean it. I told you a long time ago that I’m going to buy you a house and I will. I’m very determined.” He held my head between his palms while he said this too me forcing me to look deep into his eyes. You know what I saw? A dream. The dream of a man who knows nothing about real life and never will. How could you quit your job and not have a plan when you have the types of responsibilities that we have? How could I have expected anything less? The real question is though how long will I put up with this. What’s it going to take. I have escape routes already drawn up in my mind, but would I be brave enough?

Right now all I know is that I have to make my bill payments next week and hope to god my wages aren’t garnished again until the week after. This will give me some time to get more money together to pay my rent. If my wages are garnished this week as well then a few utilities aren’t being paid. I could care less if we go without cable for a few months. In fact, I may cancel it and never reorder it again. I don’t need television. I have my fucking Xbox.

So, what’s Rigid’s big plan? He’s back out on the street with the rest of the convicts, brown folk and all round yucky people. On Monday he had the bright idea to hang out with the U-haul crowd to see if he could get work helping people move. He stood there for maybe two hours and went back home to clean. He swore the house was spic and span, far from it. I was so fucking depressed and trying to hide it that I took another Clonazipan. We talked about it and I did let him know that I still was very unhappy despite the fact that we’d had a wonderful weekend and that things weren’t looking good for us. I told him how close I was to leaving him and he seemed a bit unfettered. At least his reaction was not what I would have expected. I asked him what the better option would have been on Friday. Losing me or keeping a job (just in the meantime until I passed my exam as we agreed.) where your treated like shit. He said he’d rather quit than end up in jail.

“Oh, in jail. I see. So you’re telling me that there’s no way you could have controlled yourself any longer. You reached the end of your tether and you as an adult male could not possibly have controlled yourself and would have killed a man with your bare hands and end up in jail just because I want you to stay in a job you don’t like? Is that what your saying?”

“Well, yeah. I had to quit or I was going to kill some cunt. You don’t know the kind of pressure I was under. You don’t know what I do there. You don’t have to deal with the same kind of pressure that I do..” he said.

“So in your eyes, the great possibility of losing me is the best option you could come up with. You would rather lose me than be a man and control your actions for the time WE both agreed to.” I said as I seethed with rage.

“It’s not about being a man! It’s about taking the consequences of your actions and if that means killing someone or losing you than yeah…” said Rigid as a puzzled look slowly fazed over his face. Maybe he thought that made sense or maybe he realized how idiotic that sounded at the time, but the fucker stuck to his guns. He tried to fix it by adding, “Either way I’d end up losing you! You wouldn’t stay with me if I ended up in jail!!!” wow…my fucking hero.

No matter what I said he made it clear. He would rather leave a job, leave us insecure financially, fuck us over and possibly lose his wife than stick it out a couple more months in a shitty job. As if no one in the world has shitty jobs. What a fucking prick. What a conceited fucking English prick!

THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! I nearly left him. I fucking walked up and went to the bedroom. He shot up so fast and yanked me around and begged me not to leave. That’s when he held my head between the palms of his hands. That’s when he told me everything would be alright, when he promised things would be back to normal soon and when he said we’ll have children, a house and the whole works.

That’s when I saw it was all a lie. Dead dreams in empty eyes.

1 comment:

Nathan J said...

yes i did deserve that i must admit....... but i do have a cunning plan, and any one reading this old enough to have seen the a team first time round knows...she'll love it when a plan comes together