Thursday, July 19, 2007

Domestic Abuse Party

Despite the fact that my sister felt I ripped her and her husband apart cruelly exposing them in my blog she invited me to her sister in laws graduation party. I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to cop out either. The shame I felt for doing what I did was unbearable, but hiding out from it would have been even worse.

We continued to pretend as though it was no big deal. We said what we said and it was done. I know my sister loves me despite my faults and she knows I love her more than anything. She forgave me. At least I think she did.

That Saturday just a few days after the whole ordeal I met up with a friend that I hadn't seen in over a year. She moved away to Washington and I missed her a great deal. I considered cancelling with my sister because she was in town. I know she would have understood because she knows how much my friend means to me, but I couldn't escape that burning shame and thought it best to rip the band aid off as fast as possible. It turned out to have been one of the biggest mistakes of my life, and here I thought that could never be possible.

I knew things were going to be off when she called 3 times in a row to ask if I was coming, where I was or when I was getting there. She was starting to sound neurotic, manic or a bit panicked and I could tell she I ignored my better instincts and decided to go. Rigid tried to put his foot down. He didn't want to go. Lately he hadn't been in the mood to do anything with my family. I could see the strain that this was putting on our relationship. The same one that I experienced with my ex. In order for my previous relationship to be fruitful and happy I basically had to stay away from my family a lot. Really I thought it was all his fault, but it wasn't. I know it wasn't. Dysfunction doesn't even come remotely close to defining my family. The really crazy thing is that I really don't think it's all that bad, but you know... it's what YOU grew up with not someone else. Everyone has their own version of dysfunction and not everyone can put up with it.

So now, I see in my husband the same thing I saw with my ex. A weariness or rather a leery...guarded sort of attitude in regards to my family the likes of which I'd never thought I'd see. When we got together he made every effort. Nothing bothered him and he did so many things with us. I probably saw my sister more than I'd ever seen her in my adult life.

This day he fought with me. He argued and told me he would not be going, but I shoved my foot so far up his ass he had no choice and he knew it. It was ugly and I knew I should have given in, but I was committed and once that happens nothing steers me off course, not even logic.

When we got there, after climbing 3 steep flights of stairs, things were tense. I knew my brother in law was still angry with me about what I wrote, but I hoped that I would be allowed to explain myself later. At the moment just the thought of getting in his way made my knees go weak. He couldn't find his wallet and I could see from his demeanor that he was like a bull in pen being yanked by the tail. I honestly didn't know why my sister invited me. It was obvious he didn't want us there.

I told Rigid how it made me feel and I swear if you could see someones balls swell with ego Rigid's sack would have been around his ankles... They would probably have expanded so far and so fast that they would have knocked my fat ass over the rail and down the three flights breaking my neck on impact. I don't even want to get into the male testicular verbal he gave me about this. Just imagine how you would react as a man if another man made your wife feel so uncomfortable she looked like she was about to cry. least imagine what you would like to say or do. Thing is, that's Rigid's first reaction to pretty much anything.

Eventually he found his wallet and everything was okay. We finally went inside, gave him a hug and he made us drinks. I breathed easily now. I knew I'd get the chance to apologize at some point, when the time was right of course. I needed a bit more courage so I estimated around four stiff Jack and Cokes would do the trick. I imagined there would be words exchanged on all our parts, we'd cry, hug and forgive because that's how much we love one another and everything would be alright. I felt an ode to Jimmy Hendrix coming on as the liquor warmed me to the core, but the time would never come.

I ambled through the party with Rigid by my side. We mingled and talked, but they were all children. In fact Rigid said that a few of them must be underage. I was on my second drink when I'd pretty much had enough. First of all we ran out of coke after my first drink, so I prepared some quacky mixed whiskey/malibu rum/pineapple something drink. It was good and I drank it through a red liquorice stick, but I wasn't even a quarter of the way through it when it was obvious that my sisters kids were going to be a problem. It was late, the music was too loud, the people were too loud and all they wanted to do was play. I decided I'd try to put them to bed. Normally my mother takes on this task. She hides her beer and drinks by herself all night long while the party is going on outside with the pretext that she's putting the kids to sleep. Usually works out for her, but tonight she wasn't there. I should have seen it for the sign that it was meant to be. Something was going to happen and she knew it in her gut so she ran away after she cleaned my sisters house.

As I lay there watching TV my sister and Rigid would be in and out for the next hour. Eventually we turned it off and lay there singing to the kids. As they tried nodding off my sister told me that she saw her husband slap a young girl on the ass. I tried not to make anything of it and just listened. She came and went a few more times eventually staying away for quite awhile. My niece was fast asleep, but the boy was resisting. It was just too loud for him and he's getting older. It won't be easy to throw parties like that anymore, not with an 8 year old child in the house.

Still I lay there and talked to him. My nephew says very few words, but shut up seems to come rather easy to him. What funny is that it's not offensive either. Your so happy he actually said something to you that you just don't care. With every word I prodded a little bit more out of him. He even told me he loved me. He actually said it...all by himself. As we lay there hugging I heard a scuffle outside the room.

I heard my brother in law, a scream and something hit the front door. I went out expecting to find two men having it out and instead found my brother in law on top of my sister pounding her on the floor. I screamed for him to get off and Rigid jumped in and tried to pull him off as I tried to pull my sister away. His sister was also trying to pull him away, though I wonder if she wasn't actually trying to push Rigid off her brother. Whatever the case may be they weren't letting each other go. They spat awful words out to each other as they gripped each other tight. Rigid managed to push him far back, but as I said they weren't releasing so I panicked and took the first chance I could to strike. With that jumble of bodies all around I couldn't easily get to him and he's lucky for that because I was going to pound him into the floor. Rigid was between him and my sister and I got between my sister and Rigid and jabbed as his face between Rigid's arm and leg. Just a little hole between all those people and I scratched his entire face as I tried to grip his fat head to shove him off. I may have punched him, I can't remember but my fist was bruised the next day.

I don't know if Rigid finally pulled him away or if he let go of my sister because I scratched him, but he was off and standing up. The next thing you know Rigid is now holding on to my sister not letting her go, I'm crying hysterically asking what happened and my brother in law is screaming at me because I attacked him when it's obvious that it's my sister that's crazy not him. Through my sobs I said I was sorry, that I panicked and what did he expect me to do when he's on top of my sister punching her in front of front of ALL OF US!

So fine, they got in a fight and pulled us all into their sick mess, not for the first time. Anyone with half a brain would figure that the worst was over and it was time to make amends. Unfortunately there weren't enough brains to go around, collectively speaking, to make even half a brain because everything that happened next could only have happened to the most idiotic people on the planet.

Rigid finally let my sister go after I yelled at him, My brother in law disappeared into the kitchen or the backyard and I cried and cried in Rigid's arms until for some reason I decided to try to find him so I could talk to him but Rigid wouldn't let me go. He was gripping me so hard I didn't understand what was happening. I started to feel that panic in my chest again. The one that hits me when Rigid puts his hands on me. It's a rageful manic panic that springs me into defense mode. I tried to get away from him, but he wouldn't let me go. His grip was so tight and I couldn't understand why he was doing that. He shook me and demanded that we leave, but I was hysterical and screamed so he would let me go. Eventually he did and I went to find my sister.

As I stood there talking to her she told me what happened and why. I was transfixed by the blob of blood that had dribbled down her chin. She thought it was spittle, but she was in shock and couldn't taste the blood. Eventually I turned around to find Rigid but he was gone. I thought he was in the bedroom with the kids, but instead found my brother in laws-sisters-girlfriend. Yeah, wrap your head around that one. She let me know that Rigid said he'd had enough and he was leaving. In much more colorful terms of course, so I went outside to see where he could be. He was in the car. I could see his normally white ass face shining beet red from all the way up there and I wanted to kick him, really bad. I called him and demanded that he come back upstairs immediately. I may have threatened to chop his nuts off to little bits, I can't remember, but he came and the first idiotic thing he did when he got upstairs was tell my sister how sorry he was, but that she should never invite him anywhere ever again because he would NOT be going. That he's had enough.

So my sister, very quietly told him, "Then get the fuck out of my house." and he did, back down the stairs he went. I stood there dumbfounded, but with far more pressing matters at hand. I knew he should have been there, and I was angry that he wasn't. Even though I knew the whole thing was over and done with you never know and I wasn't about to leave my sister like that so I stuck by her and waited to see what she would do. Really I should have listened to her and gone home, but before I did that I needed to make sure she would be okay. What if I left and he started up again. I didn't really know who's fault it was at this point. I mean, from what I remembered, he did slap a girls ass and she caught him. My sister, though, said that he had later accused her of flirting with another man, or that someone had accused her or he heard or some other fucking bullshit excuse.

I don't know, but my sister then decided to leave and take the kids so she could spend the night at my mom's house. I asked her to reconsider. That if she left now things could get worse. He should be the one to go for the night. Let them take a breather and call it a night. She didn't care so I helped her. Oh god, my gut. Have you ever gotten the feeling that something is going to go so horribly wrong that your stomach knots up in anticipation. Well try that and shitting your pants at the same time. That's what I felt like when I had my nephew by the hand.

With my niece in her arms dead asleep she opened the front door and found my brother in law's menacing backside. Quickly as she opened it she shut it and headed towards the back. I wanted to die and I was hating Rigid for leaving me up there, but there was no time to call him. We went around the back, through the mess of kids still hanging around, around the front porch and down the stone steps directly facing the front door. As I passed the porch though I noticed that he wasn't there and breathed a quick sigh of relief. It was short lived though because as my sister made her way down the steps and I started to behind her I heard his voice yell out that I was taking his children. His sister grabbed me by the arm and begged me not to take them as if I was stealing them into the night.

I pleaded with the both of them to understand that she was just going to my mom's house. He screamed at me and called me names over and over and over again and THAT'S when things went all wrong. No one, FUCKING NO ONE, talks shit like that to my face and gets away with it. I took my shoes off, threw my purse on the floor, had someone take my nephew to the side and prepared to pound this mother fucker into the floor. Of course, I knew he'd beat me senseless, but I didn't give a shit. He called me names, called my sister names and I'd had enough of his stupid mother fucking ass. His friend blocked him from me and his sister blocked me from him. Two bodies in my way one of them pushing and shoving me. Eventually she started to get on my nerves so I hung onto a side rail and pulled myself closer to him. We were talking so much shit to each other I don't remember what he said, but I remember a dumb ass myspace comment which meant my blog, which also coincidentally was not published on myspace. Ignorant moron that he is, he wouldn't know that would he? He can build a fucking computer though. Woo.

I inched my way towards him but his little sister kept yanking at me and shoving me. She shoved me so hard at one point that she completely fell backwards into the guy blocking my brother in law. I would have laughed if it wasn't so serious. I mean, the reason she fell was because nothing she was doing was actually moving me. If I don't want to move you're not going to move me, but she kept trying and after she recovered from her stumble she thought she'd try something drastic and grab at me. Bad idea. You see up until she actually yanked and grabbed at my shirt she was nothing more than a moth to me, but when she clawed at me she caught my attention. I grabbed her hand, twisted it and pushed her arm in towards her chest and out to her side away from her shoulder. It was at a very awkward angle and anything she tried to do at that point would be completely ineffectual. (Thanks Pumpo, you really did teach me something after all.)

I saw a look of fear pass over her face as she looked me in the eyes. She was ashen. I let go of the rail and pointed my finger in her face and said one word to her. Stop. I pushed her away and kept going at him. Just then Rigid came up the stairs. I felt an enormous relief. My brother in law said something to him, Rigid paused, pointed and said something back, but instead of blocking me from him or getting in his face to tell him off he came at me and grabbed my arms again.

I was dumbfounded. I struck at him and tried to get away, I screamed and kicked and yelled, but no one would help me. I must have looked like a lunatic. Rigid began to scream and tell me he was going to put me in jail if I didn't shut up or if I didn't stop. I yelled and asked him why he was doing that to me, why he would treat me this way when I didn't do anything wrong, when it was my brother in law that beat up my baby sister, when it was she that was bleeding from her mouth. I shoved and pushed and tried to make him release his grip on me, but I was hysterical. When it comes to him, my husband, I lose my fucking god damned mind and I can't think straight. I can't hurt him, I can't make him let me go and the thing is that I fucking know how, but...I'd damage him severely if I did and there's just no going back from that is there?

During the scuffle my sister came and went. She didn't even bat an eye my way. I screamed and cried and begged him to let me go like the little woman that he made me out to be. My arms hurt. I shoved him and slapped him for treating me this way and he grabbed my arms again, shoved me into the wall and screamed saying that I was going to jail. I lost it at this point. I was done. I felt broken inside, shattered and broken. I wailed that he was wrong, that everyone there was wrong and screamed that they should all leave. Some of the kids began to file out, but it didn't matter. When Rigid finally let me go he told me it was over. That after today we would be getting a divorce because he was done with it all. He had enough of my insane family and of me and didn't want to be with me anymore.

I begged him to think about what he just did, about what he was doing to me and how horrible it was do say things like that in front of other people, but he didn't care and asked me to take the car keys because he was leaving. I wouldn't take them so in his brilliant wisdom and in front of all those people he shoved the keys and alarm down my bra. Not just my shirt, between my tits like some fucking drugged up whore on the street that deserved no better than that. Just then my sister's mother in law piped in with a hearty, "Yeah, take it home." I had a few choice words for her, the source of a lot of my sister's angst, but the only thing that came to mind was, "Shut the fuck up!" She laughed me off and continued to watch the show.

Rigid walked away from me telling me it was over so I grabbed my stuff and headed down after him barefoot. I couldn't walk very fast because I was afraid to fall in my panic. As I made my way down I heard my brother in law and his sister laugh at me. They were watching me down the stairs as though I was some fucking clown there for there amusement. The climb down those stairs was one of the most humiliating in my life because I was chasing after someone who didn't deserve it. I felt like some piece of shit low life chasing after "her man".

I made it down the stairs and some girl asked if I was okay, she's lucky I didn't deck her. I screamed at him to stop and continued to make my way down the hill on the street but he wouldn't look back. When I made it around the corner he was over half a block away. I tried to think of what I could say, what I could do to appeal to his sensible side. To help him see reason, but I couldn't. I ran after him, but I was so out of it from the entire ordeal that I simply collapsed on the floor. I felt the horrible urge to pull my hair out and beat my chest but I didn't. I just sat there crumpled. He never missed a step. Never looked back.

I eventually made it back to the car and decided I would just drive next to him until he decided to get in, but he wouldn't. He just walked and walked down the street lit pavement. I drove ahead and got out of the car so I could block his path. He tried to go around me, but I didn't let him. I begged him to look at me, but he refused. He said we were through over and over again and still I tried to reason with him. I don't know why I was even trying. I knew that he was stuck and when he gets stuck there's nothing anyone can do. He just has to let out some steam. I'm just not used to walking away from something like this. Some fights you walk away from and some fights you take care of before they get out of hand, this...this was well out of hand.

We said many things in that moment. He blamed my family, I told him not to use excuses and just admit that it was me he was unhappy with if that was really the case. So he did and I gave up. I went home. He left me and I had no idea where he would sleep or what he would do. As I jumped on the freeway that would take me home I got a call. My heart sank when I saw it was my sister. I coldly thanked her for letting me know that she was safe and sound at my mom's house, but that my husband was walking down the street because he's divorcing me and I had to drive. I hung up on her and left her completely confused. Apparetnly when she came upstairs for my nephew she didn't think anything was wrong when he had my arms pinned to my side and I was screaming for him to let me go.

I was rabid. No more hysterics, no more panick or uncontrolled feelings. I felt nothing but cold and calculated rage and if anyone had gotten in my way at that moment I would have beaten the living shit out of them.

I decided it was over. I wasn't going to let him do this to me. He abandoned me at the worst possible time. He humiliated me in public and made me feel less than. He broke my heart, spit on it, threw it in the dirt, stepped on it a little, peed on it, thew some more dirt on it, kicked it and fed it to the dogs all in the same day. What kind of fucking MORON would stay with someone like that. WHO??? FUCKING WHO???


When I got home, I was pretty much prepared to be stinking fucking rich for the rest of my life. It's a long story, but it involves a filthy rich grody old man who's very much smitten with me though I've done nothing to encourage this behavior. Of course I had to look at my mail and find Rigid's paycheck and some other document we'd been waiting for. It made me see how the hope for a future we wanted could still be possible for the two of us. I saw our lives rush out from under us and I didn't want it to. Not after this. Seeing those two things in front of me made me think about what we've been trying to accomplish in our lives and how hard we've worked to get where we are. So I called him and let him know what I found. Initially he was cold and distant and when I told him about the document I heard him stop dead in his tracks. Suddenly he was done walking. When he asked me to pick him up he was soft. He was back to normal. He saw what I saw... Our future.

On the way back I called him to ask where he was. I was lost and in my panick I dialed the last number on my phone. It was my ex-husband. During that flurry of words, threats and blows I called him and in a brief moment of clarity realized how very wrong that was. I deeply appologettic, told him I was fine, not to worry, that things were messed up but I'd call him tomorrow. So many things had happened that I just couldn't let it all out and I hung up. I know I probably left him worried, but I know he'd also feel as I do, I shouldn't have called. Not in the heat of the moment. Now that I was lost and everything was calm we talked about everything that happened like a couple of old gossiping cows as he guided me through the streets of downtown. Eventually my story ended and he got me where I needed to be so we called it a night, I found Rigid and we went home.

I cried a lot that night. I cried in front of my family, Rigid and all those strangers. I cried on the street as I begged him to think about what he did to me and what he was doing. I cried in the car on the way home after I gave up on my relationship. I cried as I talked to my best friend about what happened as he guided me back to Rigid. I cried on the way home when I told Rigid things would never be the same again. That even if we stayed together this has damaged us far beyond anything I thought was possible.

Things would NEVER be the same, but I've managed to stop crying so much and the bruises have faded away. I'm wearing my ring again and I do fight the impulse to take it off. I hope I can make it through this, but I don't have much faith anymore. All I keep telling myself is to put one foot infront of the other because if I do that I just might make it to tomorrow. And if I make it through today and tomorrow I just might make it another week and another month. Just one more month and I might know if this is worth it. If things will get better and if my heart will ever truly mend. Just one more month.... Right?

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