From: Maharet_FB (Original Message) Sent: 7/21/2005 9:05 AM
okay, i don't really know why i used that title. what a retard. anyhow, as you guys well know i'm getting married in a catholic church. i was raised a catholic...well, that is up until the time i was to do my *quinceanera. you see...i was baptised before i was 1, but i never did my first communion. when i turned 15 my mom gave me a choice. do you want a quinceanera party or a scooter? i chose the scooter. so the day came to do my quinceanera and here i was...a veritible heretic having never performed my catholic duties as a young girl. so we scambled to get my 1st communion done. unfourtunately it was at a lutheran church!
it was cheaper and my mom didn't much care at the time especially considering that we'd get a discount on the hall for the reception if we did things this way. so...i'm a sort of christian hybrid of catholisism and lutheranism. (you can throw in a little evangelist from my crazy youth too. boy what a nut. *sarc*) i eventually lost my faith in religion. things just sort of fell away as i grew older. it became an experience akin to the feeling you get when you find out santa clause isn't really real. and that your mom really is buying all the presents....even though she doesn't have enough money to do it. all those little things seemed to draw me in that direction...that and the church hiding all the molestations that occur. blajhhh. icky stuff. i eventually fell away from the church and it's flock. i became...agnostic. i forgot about the church, refused it's authority and clung to the fact that one could neither prove nor disprove the existence of god therefore who FUCKING cares. though i still believed. i still had faith.
that faith faded away as the years went on. it faded to the point where i no longer viewed myself as agnostic, but atheist. i believed in nothing. but, given that i'm naturally a very open minded person i never really clung to that. it made no sense to me to believe that i was an atheist and yet respect those who believed in....something. so i eventually ended up in some limbo of sorts which allowed me to be comfortable enough to sit in church with my family if the 'special occasion' called for it and be quite respectful of other people and their beliefs. i've tried all sorts of things to get myself to get that faith back. i've read some of the gita, i've read the bible (not all of it of course), i've studied religious history, i've learned little about buddism...(very little), i even keep track of the census of the worlds major religions....not sure why, but no faith. my mother has told me it would come back on it's own. not to say i don't have it and my sister has simply given up. she does the "oh yeah, nevermind. you don't believe in that stuff do you?" kind of thing.
you know, when i talk about faith i don't only mean god. i mean everything...ghosts, extraterrestrials, the devil, angels, the guiding light at the end of the tunnel, vampires, the human race etc. etc. so when rigid suggested....no, insisted on gettnig married in church i wasn't too keen on the idea. but i wasn't adverse to it either. as things have progressed and i've begun to go through the motions of getting my baptism certificate, sending off paperwork to england to get signed by his friends and stamped by their church, setting an appointment to have the priest meet my friends to talk about me....all those little things have stirred a little something in me. more emotion towards rigid and...something.
i just went to my first catechism class at St Mariana de Paredes in Pico Rivera, CA. i was told that i would not be baptised until easter of next year, but that it'll be glorious. i said i can't wait that long because i'm getting married in nov. the teacher said i could talk to my priest to see if he will marry me in lieu of my 1st communion provided i remain in the course. well, thats another thing i'll have to deal with and i'll get to it when i do, but my whole thing today is about my class. about the faith that they kept talking about. here's the hump i seem to have to overcome. how am i supposed to go through this course not believing in anything? how can i sit there in class and tell these people yeah, i want to do my 1st communion so i can get married in church but i don't believe in shit? wtf?
this is a bit of an ethical dilema i think. one that i'll have to get over one way or the other because i intend on getting married in church. as rigid's so eloquently put it, "come hell or highwater fuck it, were getting married in church!!!" lol so i'll end up doing either one of two things....lie.....or......believe. how melodramatic.
*What is a Quinceanera
A Quinceanera is a celebration of a girls fifteenth birthday.It is a special occasion because it is when a girl becomes a woman. Hispanic girls all over the world celebrate this occasion. The difference between a Quinceanera and any other birthday party is that it is fancier and you invite more people. The first thing you do is go to church the day of your Quinceanera. You invite your closest relatives like aunts, uncles, parents, godparents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousin, and close friends. The priest talks to you about becoming a woman. Once the spiritual ceremony is over you move on to the social part of the Quinceanera. At this time your many invited guests come to celebrate your becoming a woman. This is where you celebrate by having a band play live music and dance all night.