Saturday, August 9, 2008

poker night

had a great time playing poker with my neighbor and husband. we didn't play with money, but we had a nice little poker set. i lost my chips 4 times, each time to my husband.

so frustrating. i won some good hands, but i can't play against him at all. the man is unreadable (is that a word?). it didn't help that we were drinking either. my brain was a bit on the mushy side.

listened to my jango music all night too. at least they don't complain too much about my world music choices...sort of. am i making any sense? it's only 11:28pm and i'm sleepy, tired, still full from the pizza we ate around 5pm and a little buzz from the whiskey. bushmills is nice.

took some vicodin but it did nothing for the pain in my arm and neck. think it could be that it's expired? piece of crap still affects my nervous system though. now i feel all itchy. i hate that creepy crawly feeling all over.

oh crap, i forgot i was supposed to jump on cod4 to play with my co-workers. oh well, maybe i'll catch them on tomorrow.

it suddenly occurred to me that i have to find all my old diaries and scan them. i don't know if i'll find them all. i've kept a journal since i was a little girl. i've gone back and read some of the things i wrote as a child and it burns my cheeks. it's almost humiliating.

rigid just ran into the living room screaming about tenacious d and a tv the look of him he's ready for bed.

something i was thinking about today. i was just wondering what it is about me that compels me to be so mean to him all the time. even when we were first getting together my friends complained that i'm mean and disrespectful. and it's not like i don't mean to be either. i've always had a bit of a problem with public affection. i seem to do the opposite of what i feel to the people i'm closest to.

the more i love you the more i pick on you. could it be that the fear i have of losing drives me to be cruel?

when he left me on sunday i just took a deep breath and took every picture down i could find. i took the rest of his clothes from the closet and put them in the spare room under the bed. i looked in every single drawer and removed everything that belonged to him. the phone rang when i finally sat down. i almost didn't answer him because i knew it was him and i wasn't sure if i'd let him come back this time.

he's got no where to go. no friends, no family. i can't imagine what it would be like to be alone in another country with nothing but the clothes on your back and not a penny to your name even after 3 years.

it's been an awful road for us, but i'd do it all over again. i know i'm mean. i know my mood swings are horrible, but i didn't hide any of this. i didn't. i warned him that i'm not easy to live with. i have high expectations, but not in the way that you might think. i don't need much and i can take care of myself. i don't want anyone's money, if that's all that interested me i could have that in the millions the easy way and i'm not exactly beautiful here.

just saying, anyone can get what they want if they put their mind to it. i just want a good life with a steady partner that shares my same life interests. not hobbies, but life goals.

at this point i don't know what the hell i'm saying. not even checking to see if any of this makes any sense. all i was doing was playing poker tonight and now i can't stop feeling like i dont' do enough for my husband. he tries so hard but it's not easy being with someone like me. i know that.

i try to live up to my expectations as well. i like to be treated with the respect that i give...imagine though if that were really true? i would be shit on for every stupid thing i do...

what the fuck am i saying?

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